A
male
age
51-59,
*eed2know4life
writes:I have been married for 18 year to my college love. I just learned that she had an affair with some one that she use to date before me. I have forgiven her and want to move on with our life together but I am badly hurt. My ego and self esteem is very damaged. What can I do to get back my manly confidence, self esteem and desire to enjoy life like I use to before her affair? It's not an easy task to deal with. It's the hardest thing I have every faced in my life. She wants to stay with me to make things work but I am having a difficult time getting over this.
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affair, confidence, move on, self esteem Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2012): Well if your still young you might want to find yourself a true wife, I could be wrong but I feel a cheater is always a cheater, when My husband cheated on me, everytime he left the house my mind would go into wonderland, the only way I got over him was when I packed my bags and left,I was hurt for a while but now I'm single and happier.
Should I stay or should I Go,I would never be able to trust her again.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2012): OP her mistake doesn't imply you are any less of a man.. If anything it seems you are quite the man considering you are trying to forgive her and make a better life.It is normal for you to be hurt and disappointed. And it would be normal behavior if you do not show her your utmost respect. She cheated.. what do you expect?I will tell you to take some time off.. and give this some serious thought. I agree with the first answer.. you should separate for a while...Maybe there were some things that were missing in your life.. maybe your relationship wasn't at its best.. maybe it was just the alcohol.. maybe its her..maybe there were some mistakes you made...you have to think of these things and also consider if she really is resentful and if she really loves you..Sometimes it can be an honest mistake.. sometimes it can be a habit.. sometimes it can be a true picture of things.. you need to decide that.. go for counseling if you need closure.. but you need to clear your head first..Only then will you be able to let it go ..
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male
reader, need2know4life +, writes (18 February 2012):
need2know4life is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you everyone for you words of encouragement. It's been almost a year since this has happened. She explained that she has too much to drink and that she still had feelings for him that were not resolved. I don't know why I am so wrapped up in this. I don't know why I can't shake it off and move on. My hole life has been with this women that I thought very highly of and she made my heart sing. I just find it so hard to believe that she made this error and put or relationship at risk. All I know is that I want my life back. My happiness and strength as a men to live again.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (18 February 2012):
 I think you need to go to therapy to determine why your wife's actions are what you base your sense of self-worth on.
what others do does not define who you are.
her cheating is her issue NOT a reflection on you.
will you ever trust her again? you say you forgive her but if you truly did you would be moving on.... because there is forgive and then there is forget... we don't forget but to forgive means we don't hold it against them and you are still holding it against her.
my last marriage did not survive my husband's emotional cheating... the betrayal was too much and I could not trust him to tell me the truth. he was a liar and liars don't change.
my father on the other hand had ONE affair when my parents were married 25 years (they were together from teenhood) and my mother forgave him and they moved on and lived happily ever after for nearly another 25 years till she died in his arms and he cried like a baby....
if you want to work it out I suggest therapy for you alone to work on your sense of self and I suggest couples therapy to work on trust and communication issues.
I know it's cliche but sometimes it's easier to say things in a neutral setting with a third party present.. and it sparks good conversations and better communication at home... I know that's what's going on with my current relationship... we love each other but we just have a hard time communicating our needs when we are frustrated with each other.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2012): i am not trying to make your situation sound worse than it is. i had the same feelings as you when it happened to me. its a feeling that never goes away when you know you just wasnt good enough. i later left her as i felt i deserved better and i have now met better. she's failed as a wife. hand on heart, will you ever be able to fully trust her? to be the person you was and want to be is something you can achieve, but not by staying with her.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2012): I agree with the others that maybe you shouldn't be with her. She did this damage to you. You might be able to overcome it but maybe not. You don't owe her that.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2012): It will take time. Really it is up to her to prove to you that she has learned her lesson and will stay faithful.
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male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (18 February 2012):
Hmm. I would say that the first thing you really need to do is seriously sit down and think about whether you want to be with her. It's easy to say very early on that you've forgiven someone. But certainly with men, it seems that resentment takes time to build up. Often, the people who say they've forgiven very quickly find out later on that they never have.
What you now need to do is seriously take your time over deciding whether you want to be with he or not. If you do want to make it work, then don't waste time and get onto marriage counselling. You'll need to get all your feelings out in front of her before you go anywhere else. I know some people here have said take time away from her, but my experience again is that it won't work, as you'll still come back to the same woman with the same problems as before.
Be sure you want to actually make this work. Then get onto counselling as quick as you can so you get help to fix this.
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male
reader, oneguy +, writes (18 February 2012):
 Hello Sir,This is a tough question to answer, and it is tough because there is no one fix it all right answer for this.I am from India, and my outlook towards life is bent towards a philosophical approach, and hence, my advice to you will be one that will require you to exercise detachment. This is not the usual approach taken by people in the Western hemisphere, so I suggest that you read this with an open mind. This will not be easy to understand.The desire to enjoy life is innate in everyone, and is a must in order to live a life that can be of use to the people you care about. However, the gray area is the word "enjoy". To a person born and living in acute poverty, enjoyment would consist of minimal needs being provided for. Contrast this with a more privileged life, and you will get a picture of what is most important to you in your life. Deriving fulfillment from those most basic of needs will give you joy. Achievement is infinite, but joy is not based on all of that achievement. Hence, detach achievement from your happiness. Base happiness on your most basic needs. Needless to say, the more basic the needs, the better your ability to realize happiness. Listen to your conscience. It will tell you what your most basic needs are. It will help you love again.It is the rule of nature to break the strangle hold of the mirage of control in the human mind. Accidents, unforeseen setbacks, willful transgressions, are all nature's ways of bringing humans to introspect and readjust to reality.Manly confidence lies not in exercising control over others, it lies in being able to weather storms such as the one you are facing right now. Sir, it is much probable that you are only now getting an opportunity to realize manly confidence in your life.Your self esteem will be revealed to you when you realize your true place in existence, and the nature of your mind and self. Self esteem are not two mere words. In my cultural wisdom, realizing the self and true self esteem is a goal that spans efforts across multiple births.In short, please do not seek to control. Seek to love purely. Seek to develop a compassionate heart. Like Jesus, seek and strive to forgive. You must keep going. You must get up even though you are beaten down, and live life to the best capabilities of your self. Life's vagaries are only because of the untrained mind. You must smile at your mind's confusion, and guide it to equanimity. Then you will realize what life truly is, and how important and nourishing it is.May you succeed,All the best,Regards,
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2012): The first step is to not BLAME her... not yet. Just blaming and being angry is only gonna lead to more hurt as you feel devastated that she would do this, and then you'll be devastated you could be so angry and hurtful to her yourself.You need to sit down and get it out... find out WHY she sought sexual satisfaction elsewhere. Unless she's a sociopath it's doubtful she cheated for no reason. Maybe the spark had gone out of your relationship and she was too scared to bring it up and the affair was easy.Maybe this guy preyed upon small doubts she may have had and used that to convince her that it was 'just sex' and didn't mean anything.Maybe she was the aggressor. Who knows. But you NEED to get the air clear. Put it all out there. Only when there are no more secrets about this will you be able to begin picking up the pieces and rebuilding the trust that was lost.Some marriage counselling would be advisable as well. Those guys are TRAINED to deal with this.The thing you must under no circumstances consider is revenge. It NEVER leads to anything but pain. You'll only feel good for a few seconds and then you'll feel like a monster for letting someone turn you into one.Best of luck, and remember... it can always be worse.Flynn 24
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2012): I have been in your situation. It is not a nice place to be. I thought I could move past it but I couldnt. I felt like I wasnt good enough. 6 months on I found I couldnt see her as the woman I thought I had married. I left. It was difficult but did move on and met a better class of woman. I am a firm believer that cheating never happens only once. If you love somebody, you wouldnt dream of cheating on them. She has failed, not you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2012): this may not be what you want to hear but I think you will gain your self esteem and confidence back by leaving her. I think your self esteem is shattered partly because by staying with with her you're sort of accepting what she did. call it forgiveness, call it love, or commitment to marriage, but at the end of the day by not terminating the marriage contract you're saying that cheating on you is not a deal breaker for you. In my opinion that's you showing yourself very little regard.I think that when you stand up for yourself by saying it's NOT OK to cheat on you, no matter how many years you've been married and no matter how many kids you may have together it's still not OK to cheat on you, you will regain your self esteem. If you're still married to her you're saying the opposite, you're saying it is OK for her to have cheated on you and thus you are selling yourself short.If she begs for forgiveness, you can say that yes you forgive her for what she did, but you just don't want to be married to her anymore.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2012): Sorry to say this but you and/or your marriage may never recover from this. That is what cheating does. Does she want to stay with you because the other guy would`nt take her full time or did she have a choice? I think you could find someone better than her.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2012): Take time for yourself away from her. Separate if you need to for awhile. Get to a place where you know it is about her failures and not yours. When you are yourself again separate from her then decide if she deserves a chance. She lacks character not you.
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