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*razyCatLady
writes: Sorry, this is kind of a long one, but it is quite a story, so hopefully someone will read it and give me some advice. I am almost 30 and have been with my 26 year old boyfriend for 4 1/2 years. I moved in with him 3 years ago. After I moved in, things changed - not drastically, but very slowly. He started becoming verbally abusive towards me. And I found out that he had an addiction to marijuana, and when he didn't have any to use, that is when he would become irrational and angry. I grew up in an abusive, alcoholic family, and for some reason I kept trying to work it out - I just wanted someone to love me, I guess. Then a year and a half ago, I had an accident, and developed severe fibromyalgia and chronic pain. The pain is so severe I haven't worked in all that time and finally was approved for long term disability. I am prescribed heavy duty painkillers to ease the pain and so I can walk and open my hands. (They clench into fists overnight and I can't open them.)My boyfriend has changed, and he is very mean and emotionally abusive to me. I'm very isolated, living in the country and not able to drive due to my condition. Then I found out that my bf has been stealing my pain pills to get high! I ran out a week early a few months ago, and could not get more for almost a week, as the doctors won't prescribe them because they think you are drug-seeking. So, not only was I in severe pain and unable to walk, but I had withdrawal symptoms since I have been prescribed that medication for over a year and your body grows dependent on it after that long. You aren't supposed to stop it cold turkey. I told my boyfriend that I can't be with someone who would make me suffer like that, and so he promised to go to rehab, to anger management, to Narcotics Anonymous so that I might give him one more chance. That promise lasted about a day, he never did any of those things. I also told him I would have to leave him if he didn't stop using drugs. But he never went to any of the programs, and he constantly lied to me about doing drugs. Then, this month I noticed that I was short about 25 pills, even though I had been hiding them and moving the location every few days. He denied it and finally admitted it. I couldn't believe he would take them again after he saw what I had to go through the last time. He also has started saying things like "I want to punch you in the face" or "choke the sh** out of me" or, "You'd better watch your mouth or you'll be sorry!" He's never physically assaulted me, but I know what they say, and I can see it heading down that path. In the past few years he has destroyed our property, took a bat to our car one day when it wouldn't start, punched holes in our walls and ripped the doors off the hinges. He's called me every name in the book, and constantly criticizes me. After this pill stealing AGAIN, I knew I must leave. So, after all this, I went and found myself an apartment downtown in the same building as a friend, so she can help me out physically when I need it. I told my boyfriend yesterday morning, he did not take it well. I was nice about it even, and said that it just isn't healthy for us to be together, and that I needed a safe place to live where I know I'll have my needed medication and peace and quiet so I can stop being nervous all the time and focus on getting better.He tried to tell me I would change my mind once I knew where the money he had stolen from me had gone. Then he claimed he's been paying installments on an engagement ring. (Obviously, I know that is a lie, who would steal money off their girlfriend to buy her a ring????) So I said, well, I won't marry someone who is addicted to drugs and verbally abusive. Then he told me that he HAS to be abusive..to throw me off the trail so the proposal will be a surprise!!! I couldn't believe he said that!!!! Then he said he is abusive to me because he needs to "test" me to see if I'm worthy to be proposed to!! By test, he means abuse and see if I'll take it!Then last night, he called me from work, crying hysterically and saying he can't live without me. I nicely told him that yes, he can live without me, and that he needs to focus on getting better and getting the help he needs. But he didn't come home that night, and I was worried all night because of his "I want to die" statements on the phone. Finally, he called from the hospital at 11 this morning, he had flipped out hysterically and screamed and hid at work, and they had to hunt him down and he had barricaded himself in a room, so the boss called an ambulance to take him to the hospital. Then, this afternoon, that hospital transferred him to a hospital with a psych ward, since the first one did not have one and my (now ex) boyfriend was smashing the bed and screaming in the seclusion room.Now he's calling and begging me not to leave. He is telling me the same old "I've changed, I see differently now" garbage. Like he's said for years. He said it's because I'm leaving him that he flipped out and is going through all this stuff at the psych ward. I know that isn't true, but I still feel guilty. I am still moving out, but I don't know what to say to him when he is cryng and begging me not to leave him. I don't want to lie and say I'll stay, because I am not staying. But I'm scared to say it's completely over, in case he hurts himself or someone else. (Probably me) I have no family in the province where I live, and I can't leave town because I am about to start attending a pain clinic program for 2 months. I don't have anywhere I can stay until Jan. 1, when my apartment is available and I don't know how to act when eventually he gets let out of the psych ward and we will be stuck in the same house for one or two weeks. I am pretty sure he will be trying everything to try to stop me from leaving. I'm also wondering if he did all this just to get attention from me, and to try to manipulate me (he knows I'm a very sympathetic and helpful person) so I won't leave him.Sorry for this very long question. I really need some advice on how I should go about leaving this abusive relationship without making the situation worse for either of us. Also, how do I know what to believe about all this? Is he trying to scare/trick me? Thank you so much for taking the time to read this.CCL
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female
reader, llqueen +, writes (29 December 2005):
Well, first of all let me say that I am very sorry. I just went through the EXACT same thing. I had been with my (now ex-) husband for 9 years (married for 3). He had a bad drug addiction as well. He would cheat on me and be very verbally abusive when he was using. I would threaten to leave, he would clean up for a week or 2 and I would go back only to have things go to shit again. Well, I will tell you that I finally did get up enough nerve to leave him for good. He did everything to get me back. Threatened to kill himself, would show up crying and going crazy. It was the hardest thing I had ever done to have to watch him like that and not be able to go back. But, I held my ground. That was about 9 months ago and the divorce is final. He still calls every once in a while. But, when he starts to get angry - I just let him go. Trust me, things will get better. But, you are doing the right thing leaving him. The relationship is not healthy and will not do either one of you any good. Keep your head up. I hope you get to feeling better. And remember, you are worth so much more.
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female
reader, fairyangel  +, writes (8 December 2005):
 You are such a beautiful person in such a sad situation...My heart really bleeds for you, but it is now time to stop being gentle and understanding towards this psycho that you have had the misforune to get involved with, and start putting yourself first... in all things.Get a restraining order against him if you have to, but do not under any circumstances, allow him to even be in the same room as you.You are very blessed, with many talents and inner strength... use this to your advantage, you have a good head on your shoulders and know that you can only flourish once you have rid yourself entirely, of this person.This is not a matter you can afford to delay on, do whatever it takes, but make your move now, get the law on your side, and dont look back. I wish you a speedy recovery with your health and sincerely hope that all will go well for you with your future plans.Keep trusting in yourself, and you cannot fail.Let me know how you progress.Till then, Take Gentle Care of Yourself Always, thinking of you.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2005): First, you have to give up stuff. Resign yourself to that. My conclusion is that your goal state should be total disappearance from his life. Forget the pain clinic appointments and the lease on the new appartment. There are apartments and doctors other places. Let them come after you if they want. Move what you can out of the house quickly to a storage space and leave the rest behind.Use a new credit card and move into a motel near town for a month. Do some research and find a place to move to and start over. A nanny position would be way to disappear. British Columbia could be a nice place to start over. Yeah, it would cost you, but I'm guessing that it going to be less expensive than keeping this nut at arms length if you stay in town. This is worth going into debt for.
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female
reader, Babi +, writes (8 December 2005):
Maybe you should stay out of each others way, you said your flat is unavailable until the 1st of January and he is away at the hospital at the moment, is the house you are both living in in both your names? Maybe you should seek legal advice and maybe get an injunction until at least January, he is not your problem, he needs help and if he hurts himself or someone else then thats not your fault, its out of your control and you need to help yourself!I hope it all works out for you! x
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reader, Rebecca Batchelor +, writes (8 December 2005):
 My heart goes out to you and I think you are a very brave, strong woman in such awful circumstances. You are articulate and intelligent and I think you answer your own questions in your posting.
The man you have been involved with is very much unstable and using all sorts of control and abusive tatics to try and get you to stay with him. He desperately needs professional help and unless he is able to look at himself and see the problems that he has, he is unlikely to change. If he did, he would still have a very long road ahead of him in which to undergo a transformation into a healthy, respectful and decent man. You need to ask yourself (with this scenario in mind, of him trying to make himself better) whether you would want to invest anymore time and energy into yet another bumpy and uncertain ride.
Growing up in an abusive family possibly has helped to make you want someone similiar and in time, you will be able to work on this in which to be with someone who is worthy of your love and who you deserve.
You are in such a difficult situation with so much to contend with, but it strikes me that you are a survivor with a warm heart and you will get through this.
Your immediate problem is what to do when he is out of the ward as you say you don't have anywhere else to go until your apartment is ready; circumstances have dictated this unfortunately. I'm sure he will try everything to stop you from leaving and this will be so very hard but you need to stand your ground. In the time that you have to remain there, try your very best to have as little to do with him as possible. You don't have to say too much to him in that time about you leaving; only if he says about it make it clear that you have to leave as you need to look after yourself but don't elaborate too much. When he is crying and begging, say to him how sorry you are that things are like this but that now you have to concentrate on finding a better life for yourself and that you are tired and need to be on your own. Keep all conversations as short as possible and find the strength to walk away from him when he starts the emotional blackmail.
It is concerning that you will have to be there in case he is violent. Are there any support agencies that you could turn to and outline the problem too? Do you have any friends where you could stay in this intermediate time? I understand that you can't leave town because of the pain clinic you will be attending but in some ways it would be better if you could leave for this time and stay elsewhere rather than risk all by remaining there.
If you really can't go anywhere else, in this time make sure you are well prepared to leave. Have all your packing done so there is little to do when he returns. I think he is already aware that you are going to leave, so you don't have to directly say it is over but just be firm if he starts blackmailing and keep walking away from him. Keep yourself safe. Perhaps contact the police or a help organisation to let them know that you are in a volitile situation so that someone could be on hand if anything does erupt.
Continue to look to your future and the work that you intend to do on yourself and ways and means you want to follow in which to secure your own happiness.
Keep reminding yourself of how strong you are and that you are doing the right thing. You need to look after yourself and escape this abusive relationship so that you can eventually meet someone who is deserving of your love.
Best of luck.
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