A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My wife was drugged and raped when she was 15 years old at a party - she relived the story to me when we first met and I knew that I may need to be there for her to work through any issues that arose from that incident. However she is a very resilient and strong minded girl and even though it was most likely very traumatic at the time it hasn't broken her spirit and she hasn't let it affect her negatively. She is now 21 years old and we are newly married. We have a good life, and still navigating our way through married life and learning the responsibilities we have to one another. Every now and again though I can't help but think about the guy that did this to her - how much hatred I have in my heart towards him and his actions (I don't know him personally and my wife appears to have forgiven him and believes God will sort him out for his actions). It breaks my heart that anyone would have to go through that but my protective instincts kick in when I think of my beautiful, sweet wife having to endure that. So my question is - what can I do to get over this feeling in my heart and mind? And how can I gather the strength to learn to forgive him? I'm scared that if our paths were to ever cross I would not be able to hold back the anger that is inside me. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2013): Don't take this the wrong way, but this isn't yours to forgive since you weren't the one who got raped. I don't think you "should " forgive this man. But at the same time you need to not be spending your energy thinking about him. If you want to channel that energy into a healthier outlet then work to get him convicted of that rape and brought to justice under the law. If that isn't possible then you need to learn to train your mind not to dwell on thoughts of that man and work yourself up into a frenzy. You need to learn to control your thoughts and stop them in their tracks so you don't hold your wife back from moving past the pain and trauma that was inflicted on her. Tell yourself, like she has told you, that he will get what he deserves eventually through karma. If you have a hard time controlling your thoughts it would help to see a therapist for guidance. But no I wouldn't forgive him if I were you. If someone hurt my family members especially those who are dependents and defenseless (the elderly, disabled, kids, pets) i would not forgive. That's just me though.
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (2 May 2013):
 When YOU carry around this hatred (not that I really blame you for hating that guys guts, may he get bend over by big fella named Bubba in a dark prison cell at some point is his life) BUT..
WHEN YOU carry this around you are constantly REMINDING your wife. She knows that you don't blame her, but she might feel like you do, after all YOU didn't go through it, she did. YOU didn't FAIL her or make anyone DO this to her, neither did SHE.
The best way (at least for her have been to forgive him, to NOT keep that hatred and negative energy in her life, YOU should do the same - FOR HER, but also for yourself.
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A
female
reader, Caring Aunty A +, writes (1 May 2013):
 I cannot stress enough; there is no point ‘two people’ reliving this traumatic experience… Her beliefs along with your support have given her strength to forgive and keep her spirit unbroken. From experience: I once had a traumatic experience, and the more I or anyone (Counsellors) spoke about it, I realised I was not getting better. It kept the focus on the event! After a time I thought; why would I want to relive that? Sure it’s better out than internalising the pain etc., but I was made very resilient, not to be of a victim mentality and I too believe the perpetrator will be sorted out by God and or Karma etc. all in good time.Take a leaf from your beautiful sweet wife – ‘forgive’ and don’t let this perpetrator win over you with the destructive force of hatred!?If all else fails; and your paths were to cross, make should there’s no witnesses and kick him hard in the goolies! :) Take Care – CAA
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A
female
reader, Euphoric29  +, writes (1 May 2013):
Dear OP,
Forgiveness is something that you should give to those who want it and who are sorry for their actions and try to make it better.
So, you don't know this guy, you don't know whether he ever regretted what he did and I don't think you need to forgive him. I admire your wife, that she finds the strength to do so, but don't ask it from yourself if you're not able to forgive.
You are a loving man who wants to protect his wife and I find this more important than being morally correct against a rapist that you don't even know. I believe that if you met him, you could hold back if you knew it was the right thing to do for you and your wife. However, if you have any violent fantasies about this guy - who could blame you.
If the feelings don't go away, I suggest you talk about your anger. To your wife, to a good friend, to a counsellor. You can even write about them. My experience is that there's nothing more toxic than bottled up feelings. If you can get them out and really live through them, if you can honestly face them, find meaning in them, they can eventually change. But if you always suppress your emotions, they will stick to you and come up again whenever you are weak and tired.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (1 May 2013):
 I suggest that,.. whenever you find your thoughts drifting to that incident.. in HER past - not your's -..... that you go out and play 18 holes of golf....
After you have played about 144 holes of golf, maybe THEN you'll realize that you're carrying around 'way more angst and concern than you need to.... AND you will go home, and tell your new wife that you love her.... AND you will put this (thought) behind you......
Carrying hatred..... for this guy - or anybody else - is like drinking weak poison.... It won't kill you right away... BUT if you continue doing it,... over time... it WILL kill you.... AND, was it really "worth" it?????
Good luck....
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A
male
reader, NJDakota +, writes (1 May 2013):
I can relate to you and hopefully offer you some advise. My wife is 27 and we have been married for 5 years. Long story short, my wife too was the victim of a sexual assault when she was 17. She too was drugged and raped by a lifelong friend. Unlike you I have seen this man. I carry so much anger towards him, he lives one house away from her mother. My wife is a rock, she is a determined, tough, strong minded individual. She has made peace with the situation and raises our son with such love and devotion I am amazed. I feel if I were to run into the man who hurt her I would rip this guy in two. I can tell from my wife's body language that when I express this anger she only gets more upset. All you can do is love her and feed off her energy. Much like my wife your wife is coping and would much rather forget the incident and move on constructively. She can be angry all on her own and does not need someone else harping on the obvious truth that is there. Use your anger to fuel your actions to comfort and cherish your wife. For all the pain you feel try and flip it around and she how much the incident has hurt her. Its not up to you to forgive the man that hurt your wife. He did not hurt you. As a husband however, I completely understand your need to protect your wife, YOU MUST tell yourself that it is not your fault that this happened. You must also practice self control or as I call it self censoring. When I feel myself about to go off about it, I calm myself down and turn my feelings into a constructive conversation with my wife. it does not have to be a conversation based on the incident but a conversations based on how you are feeling and what you need to deal with those feelings. I think you and your wife could benefit from a counselor to discuss these issues or join a support group in your area for victims of sexual assault. My wife guest speaks and give empowerment lectures to young people, sexual assault victims and other organizations and to watch her (with such pride) helps me to get over my own pain and truly see where she is coming from. Talk it over with your wife and use this as a foundation to grow from and improve your new life together. If you need any more help please feel free to message me as my wife and I would be more than willing to talk to you.
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