A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:We have now been married for 7 months. I met her at a bar and we started dating. She is a very good looking girl and 26 years old. Im 25 and hansome. I feel for her very quickly and we got married in 4 months. When we were dating i asked her what she did for work and she said she worked at a massage parlor and answered the phone. I grew up in arkansas and was never familar with these places and what goes on there. Later i after we got married i found out the truth by lieing to her because i had my doubts after being told the truth about the place she worked by a friend.She told me she did massage and she came clean "I think" about what she did why we were together $500 for sex, twice and she said she took her clothes off 30 plus times for $150. She quit working there after i found out and were still together but im so hurt by what she did to me.Im having trouble forgiving her and sometimes i just want to leave her but i love her and knew she was mixed up. Ive done some horrible things to i had sex with a stripper on my bach party night and after i found out what she had done i went to a massage place and had sex and got back at her. I need to move on but still think about it sometimes i mean i used to take back and forth to work and pick her up at this place everyday and trusted her. The horrible thing is she didnt stop working there after we got married it took me finding out the truth for her to stop. How do i forgive her or find the strength to move on?Additional DetailsIf she really loved me dont you think she would have quit especally after we got married?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2009): Dear OPMay i suggest you check 12 August 2009, another man is facing a similar situation. Was lied to about wife being a prostitute" The OP there was given some relalistic answers there and i think it may assist you to clarify some aspects in your life too. you have been lied to and it is eating you up. you may love your wife but men are visual creatures. you image all these men having sex with her and doing whatever they want with her. it was wrong for your wife to withold this vital piece of information from you. if you don't address it, it will fester until you explode. she continued working as a prostitute after marrying you, have you thought about HIV and STDs . Please have a check up and tell her to have one too. marriage can only survive if there is blatant honesty and the truth. how sure are you that your wife is not protituting herself when you are at work? you need to make sure she doesn't return to her old ways. if she is used to the good money she just wont leave her trade. please be cautious as you proceed.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 August 2009): So you both cheated on each other. Anyone who thinks that her working as a prostitute after you got married and not telling you about it is not cheating has some weird set of morals. As one person said, you both have to ask for forgiveness and be willing to forgive and try your hardest to get over this. Either that or end the marriage and be more careful the next time you meet someone. Four months is not nearly enough time to get to know someone well enough for marriage. And if you do break up and get married again in the future, don't boink the stripper at your bachelor party this time. And be more careful who you are marrying if you do happen to do so again. It is possible to meet good women at bars, but in my experience, women who are looking for men at bars are going through some emotional problems. That is not to say that they are not relationship or marriage material, but perhaps it is best to be a little extra careful in that situation to discover what they are going through and what their emotional state is. This probably goes for men that women meet at bars too.
Another thing is that trying to get back at someone for what they have done to you is normally only a recipe to make things worse. If what they did is that bad and hurtful then perhaps it is best to end it. However, working it out and solving the problem is the best approach if it is possible. Anyone who has done something bad can change if they really want to. My wife and I have both changed things we have done wrong in the past. Cheating or prostitution were not one of them, but they were bad enough.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 August 2009): You met her at a bar and got married in 4 months. You have now been married for 7 months. 11 months ago you met someone at a bar and now you think, that is all about true love? Real love is only possible if you really know each other - and this is quite hard after only 11 months... So if you want your marriage to work, you really need to work hard on it, but first of all you really need to get to know each other!!! So go on a marriage weekend, visit a marriage counselling course and maybe also visit a marriage preparing course first!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 August 2009): May I just ask: If you really love her, why did you cheat on her especally after you got married?
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A
female
reader, QuirkLady +, writes (2 August 2009):
 You need to both forgive and ask for forgiveness.
She was probably ashamed of what she did for a living and probably stuck in it as well. Yes, she should have told you the truth before she married you. She did quit though when she discovered it upset you, so that shows she does think about your feelings.
It was still wrong of you to cheat on her. Both times. And you cheated on her before you knew she worked there, so that is double plus f'ed up. You don't get off the hook for that, buddy.
You two should have a talk about what is really going on. There have been too many things hidden in your marriage already. Come clean with each other and use the love you have to make a brand new honest start together.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, Felisha Marie +, writes (2 August 2009):
 You're last question is true, rhetorical and very true. But, let me break some things to you. One, ya'll met in a bar. Two, married after 4 months, only been together for 7. Don't you think you should have spent a little more time getting to know her and her background? Especially some chick you met in a bar, that should have sent off many signals right there. Anyway, this is an advise site, not a site to tell people they're wrong. In any sense, you wish to move on, or recover your appearing to be almost over relationship. So, first step, ask her if she really loves you, if what ya'll have is something worth saving if so. Completely start over... In a grocery store, a coffee shop... "Hi my name is..., how are you...do you wanna go out for something...etc." It's always a sweet gesture. If you choose the latter of your decisions, grab yourself by the boot straps and buck up. Tell her what she did was wrong and if she's not willing to rebuild her life with you then get out, explain to her that you really love her, and that you are there for her to help her recover from prostitution.
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A
male
reader, LoveDocBruce +, writes (2 August 2009):
 Do you love her?
Yes.
Did she quit her job?
Yes.
I think it's safe to say that she loves you enough to get rid of her only source of income. And she quit after she found out it hurt you so bad.
But you need to think of her time there like this. It was her job. She probably was disgusted by the people that went there. She has probably cried herself to sleep in the past because of it.
I think it's ok to forgive and forget.
However, if you find out she cheats on you from this point on, you dump her.
Once a cheater, always a cheater.
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