A
female
age
41-50,
*ugarmangoez
writes:I've been married for 10 years. I chose my husband because he led me to believe that he was honest and spiritual. I thought he was perfect. As the years progressed, I found out that he was into porn, he would skirt around the truth a lot, and spirituality wasn't important to him. Well, after 3 kids I put on weight and he eventually told me he wasn't attracted to me anymore. I was devastated. Then I began to realize that he was never really nice to me. He didn't want to take me out on dates because he'd have to spend money on me (but he never had problems spending money on himself). The only time he ever really spoke to me was when he'd be talking dirty during sex, but for some reason he could barely hold a conversation with me outside the bedroom. We never really argued because I always gave into him. I would even apologize before I knew what he was angry about. He always criticizes most everything I do, or ridicules me. The last straw for me happened last year when I was 10 minutes late in picking up my child from school. He got there before me and was upset that I was late. He ignored me for 2 weeks because of it. (Sometimes he'd go as long as 2 months without talking to me for the most petty reasons.) I didn't know why he was upset and not speaking to me, but when I found out I lost it and screamed to the top of my lungs. I never judged him for anything he did wrong, I only took his crap, and for him to ignore me for 2 weeks because I was late picking up our child was too much for me. To make a long story short, I feel like the past 10 years of his ridicule, criticism, and bad habits have really gotten to me. I feel drained and I feel like I don't love him anymore. He says that he doesn't look at porn anymore, and I believe him, but now I resent him for all of the crap he's done to me. I feel very judgmental and bitter (even though I don't say anything to him). I feel like a shell of my former self. I don't want to feel this way. I honestly want to be in love with him and I want us to be a happy family. But I find it so difficult to do because he's never home and doesn't want to spend quality time with me to rebuild our relationship. I really want to forgive him but I'm having the hardest time. I've pulled our marriage out of the hole twice, but I feel like I don't have it in me anymore. I actually HATED him before, but I was able to pull myself out of that and I was in love with him again. I've tried everything! I've even gone as far as having sex with him every single day! We've gone to counseling as well, but nothing seems to be a permanent fix. I really want to be in love with him again, and I feel it's my duty (as crazy as that may sound) to him and my children to hold this family together. For the past 5 months, I can tell he's trying hard to be a better husband, but for some reason, I can't forgive him for the past 10 years of crap. Positive suggestions on what I can do to forgive him and move forward would be greatly appreciated.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (18 May 2011):
 HUGS to you OP...emotional abuse is so much worse in my opinion. With physical abuse there is "proof" of the abuse, a bruise, a black eye, a broken arm.... with emotional abuse, it's so subtle that we think it's something WE DID wrong.my first hubby was an emotional abuser... took me years to figure it out.I wish you all the best
A
female
reader, sugarmangoez +, writes (18 May 2011):
sugarmangoez is verified as being by the original poster of the question Cerebrus, your entire post was very enlightening and hit me straight in the heart. Thank you very much. You're right, I feel like I'm fighting against myself, forcing myself to endure and sacrificing my own happiness in the process. I feel very trapped and marriage is a prison to me. You're right, setting a possible date to leave him HAS lifted my spirits. I did the same thing growing up, living with an physically abusive parent. I told myself that this wasn't going to last forever, and that I'd be free after I graduated from high school. I guess my problem now is that because I live in Hawaii, it will be extremely difficult for me to take care of my children on my own because it's so expensive here. I'm educated but I have no work experience because I've always been a stay-at-home mom. Plus, I know I need more schooling to be in a position to support my family. Just thinking about all of this is giving me a headache. :O
Cerebrus_Raphael, thank you for your post as well. He deceived me from the beginning and it took me a long time to realize that I fell in love with a lie. Now that I realize who he truly is, it's hard for me to fall in love again. I'm really trying to recognize the good in him-- he's a good father and an excellent provider.
So_Very_Confused, you are right. I think that I was conditioned for abuse and so that is why I'm accepting it now. But I was conditioned for physical abuse. In Polynesian culture, physical abuse is the norm and so I didn't recognize what emotional abuse was because it was so subtle to me. My husband doesn't beat me or yell at me, but what he does has broken my spirit. I hate it! I've outgrown much of how I was raised and I don't tolerate any kind of violence. I have 3 small daughters and I don't want them to go through this when they get married some day. Thank you for your advice.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2011): You should go seek professional help OP. There really is nothing we can say in the few hundred words of our posts that will make this okay for you.You see the thing you're currently fighting against is your own survival instinct, your instinct to protect yourself from the never ending pain of this relationship. You're not going to win that battle alone because while he may be "trying", you know what he's capable of, you know it will only take one moment, one incident and he'll revert back to type and you'll be at square one again. My personal opinion would be to leave but seeing as you don't want that then you must go seek professional marriage counseling.OP fighting against what's best for you, fighting against your own mind's will to be free and happy is just going to wear you down. You're already at your wits end, you've already explored all available options alone. It's time to get proper help. You can't force yourself to be okay, you can't make your brain forgive him just because you think it's your duty. Our minds don't work like that, our mind will do what it wants in that respect and the more we fight it the more it will resist and fight back.It won't ease up until it sees real change OP, until your mind is settled and it knows that he is really changing this time and not just tying you over until you're comfortable again only to revert back to his original behaviour then there is nothing you can do to stop these feelings.The best thing you do for your brain is to actually come to the decision that leaving him is definitely a possibility, make that a possibility OP. Knowing you have an out, knowing that there is a point where you will actually leave will do wonders for your mind. It's the same as convict who knows he's going to be released in a few months, prison seems a little less bleak when you have a date set for your release. So in your prison of a relationship you need to set a condition for your release, you need to set either a time or an event, or a goal. You need to give your brain hope of that if things don't work out that you're not going to subject it to this mental torture permanently, I mean why do you think you feel so trapped and lonely? You're fully convince that you'll never leave, which means you give yourself nothing to look forward to, only the vain hope that you can make things better but if that doesn't happen then you still have nothing.Leaving has to be an option that you consider, leaving him has to be a real option that will happen or nothing is going to change for the better.
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A
male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael  +, writes (17 May 2011):
 I wish I could give you positive advice but I see only a huge lie that you were drawn to and unfortunately, you cannot force your heart to fall in love with someone who did all of that to you. He's immature, selfish, boorish and an absentee husband, there is absolutely nothing there for you to fall in love with is there?
The absolute best thing you can do right now for both yourself and your children is leave him. Don't force yourself to give in to him just because he is the father of your children. Your only duty is to your children and therefore, to make them happy, you have to see to it that YOU are happy.
I hope that helps.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (17 May 2011):
not talking to you for 2 days 2 weeks or 2 months is emotional abuse.
his ridiculing you is emotional abuse
if you keep your children in this marriage they will learn that emotional abuse is the way of a marriage
your daughters will accept abuse
your sons will become abusers
children model what they see from their parents.
so tell me if it's worth holding this "family" together for the sake of the precious children....
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