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female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: HelloI'm Canadian, my husband is African. We met on fb, a friends request. I have been trying to get him to Canada which isn't an easy task. He is even declined on a visitor visa. So I usually go see him in Africa. There has been some eye openers with his behavior. Short fuse, has no problem telling me I'm stupid, over something very petty. Also, his one ex who he was with pretty much until our marriage. We got married there in Christian faith ( hes muslim) part of me wonders if his ex, is really his ex. He has in his fb wall pics and messages between them where he calls her his wife. When I asked abit this he said he didnt meet her, and it was an online relationship. I dont know what to think. I have read some really crazy things that men marry women from USA or Canada and bring their wives here from there country. Lies, seem very easy for him. I have caught him in many. This is why I'm having doubts and maybe concerned if he already has a wife there. I have met everyone his friends, his family and no one mentions anything I think that they wouldn't even if they knew he has a wife there. How can I find out if he is married? I really don't want to ask her because I'm sure she would tell him immediately.
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (11 December 2019):
 " We got married in the Christian faith " - personally, I have doubts also that this is factually correct, because being joined in an interfaith marriage ( with a non-baptized, too ! ) , although not forbidden or impossible per se , is a long, complex, precise procedure which entails the active , enthusiastic cooperation of the non Christian party at every step of the way. Long story, but, in short : if you have found some self -appointed " Christian " preacher from some bizarre Christianish sect, available to bless your union,- well, then you've got a blessing and good wishes which is always nice, but no, you did not really got married , not even in the eyes of Christianity.
Regardless and anyways : forget the faith(s ): Did you get a legal marriage certificate , issued to your couple by the civil authority, as the legal evidence of your union ?
In Nigeria there are many wedding types , Muslim, Christian, tribal, Yoruba , whatnot- each one performed according to different rituals and traditions. So, to make it all legally bonding, there's something called statutory marriage, which is a compulsory ( at least in theory ) civil marriage, performed very rapidly at any city registry, any day of the week, in presence of two witnesses. A mere formality , if you wish, but the only one which offers security and protection to the wife and her unborn children .Under the law, as °legally ° married to her husband, the wife has rights.
That does not answer your question, but I thought it might be useful before you are tempted to throw away money petitioning for a marital visa- when your marriage is ( probably ) not even legal in either country.
Just saying.
As for, how do you find if he has got another wife ? Look, I suppose that if you have time and money to burn, you could find out having someone local investigate for you , but my point is : … if you have to wonder whether he's got another wife, and if you know he is never going to tell you the truth, same as his family and friends are never going to tell you the truth, for fear to lose monetary benefits - if there's such a level of distrust and anxiety, why oh why would you want to stay with him ?
Considering that these suspicions come on top of other bad stuff, like his calling you names, being short tempered and disrespectful, and , most of all, shamelessly sponging off you . If this story is true- it's horrible, I would not wish it on my worst enemy !- and you try to cling to it teeth and nails ? Why ??? Because he is ( sort of ) nice and affectionate when you visit him ?! Don't you understand that he is singing for his supper and that this is the very, very least he can do to see those gifts and money keep coming ?
A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (11 December 2019):
 You married a stranger. A scam artist. Why did you fall for it?
Please speak to a lawyer and divorce this conman.
Then seek therapy to find out why you allowed yourself to get caught up in this mess. I’m sorry you’ve been scammed, but you need to find out why you fell for it.
Do not send him any more money. Do not visit him again unless it’s necessary for the divorce. Do not buy him anything. Do not try to get him to your country.
Stop letting him use you. Make 2020 the year you stop letting this man ruin your life.
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A
female
reader, KeW +, writes (11 December 2019):
 Hi OP,
Speak to your lawyer and get divorced. This is a scam. Please don’t send him any more money either.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 December 2019): OP, welcome back. Sadly you didn't listen to the excellent advice you got the last time, and the time before that!
Do you think so poorly of yourself that you would allow this heartless scammer and con artist to manipulate you out of not only all your hard earned money but your self respect and self worth? You have no self esteem and continually subjecting yourself to this cruel abuse is only pulling you farther into the quick sand.
You know in your head this situation is all wrong and so is this man. But until you toughen up and realise life isn't the fairytale or romance novel you've scripted in your head, you're destined for a very hard fall. That hard fall is when you will hit rock bottom and learn your lesson. We can only tell you so much but you don't want to hear it. Believe it. Someday you will be back to tell us we told you so. At that point, you will be in financial ruin, used, abused and discarded once you are no longer of use. He may have reeled you in with some amount of charm but that's a bullshit, fake act designed to hook you. Designed to make you fall for him. Designed to fool you out of your money. People will take advantage of others who have a good heart. It's up to you not to let them. It's up to you to put YOUR foot down. It's up to you to look out for your own best interests!
This man does not love you. Words mean shit unless they are backed by actions. In this case, his cruel and demeaning treatment of you shows nothing but contempt, at your stupidity and naivete. Every action on his part has obliterated the possibility of even the tiniest amount of love or respect being present. A man's biggest weapon of mass destruction against a woman is "I love you." Any man who utters these words to any woman without meaning them is an absolute SCUMBAG. That's what he is, and it's clear it runs in his family. They, including his legitimate wife, know all about you. They are all laughing at you behind your back. How could you allow these people to make an absolute fool out of you?
What you're doing is imposing your thoughts, feelings and beliefs on this man. Just because you may care about him does not mean he feels the same way about you, but you are convincing yourself he does. But he doesn't; it's just what he wants you to believe in order to get what he wants. He and his family are cold blooded users and they are going to use you for as long as you allow it.
You need to WAKE UP honey! I know life is better in fairytales but it will not serve you well to believe this is a fairytale. It's a nightmare!!!!
Wake up before it's too late!
First, I strongly suggest you go for counselling. It isn't normal behaviour for a mature woman to be so naive, allowing herself to be scammed like this. You have some issues that need to be sorted out within yourself. You need to become STRONGER. Right now you are weak and vulnerable, and the Nigerians have literally just won the lottery!!
Cut them off! Don't wait a second longer!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 December 2019): Stop sending him money. You're in a scam-marriage. I have a suspicion you've written DC many times before.
You got yourself into this mess. Now get a divorce and stop playing victim to this schemer.
If he calls her his wife, she probably is. You're the one trying to conduct a make-believe marriage with a foreign con-artist over social media. He calls you stupid??? Do you have to wonder why he has the unmitigated gall? You are his financial-benefactor. One of many gullible-women who go online or overseas; and meetup with these scoundrels, and allow yourselves to get played! Did you think it was the other way around?
Keep writing, until you finally decide to stop allowing him to make a fool out of you! The answer is the same, DUMP HIM!!!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 December 2019): Sorry but he is scamming you. Don't send him any money. Don't get him a visa. He is a con artist. Sorry
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 December 2019): What?! This guy is scamming you. 100% he's probably got several 'wives' on the go. Please consult a lawyer immediately.
Although I have to laugh at the idea that your marriage might not be valid if he's muslim. That's not how legal marriage works. If you have a marriage licence then you're married.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (10 December 2019):
 Of course he would lie to your face!
And if he is Muslim is your marriage even valid? I'd ask a lawyer about that FIRST.
Secondly, He didn't contact you on Facebook because he knew the two of you would be a great match, after all you are from two VERY different religions, cultures, upbringing, values, morals and norms.
If he is ONLY married to you to GET money from you and potentially a visa for him and perhaps later for his REAL Muslim wife, his family know about the deceit and are obviously OK with him doing shady shit to a "Western Woman". They probably benefit monetarily if he gets any money from you.
Aren't you the same woman who's husband wanted YOU to FUND his family's Ramadan/Shawal? If you are, then you know that the family would not tell you anything HE don't want you to know, because THEY benefit financially OF you as well as he does.
OP, you don't have a real marriage here, it's a scam. You just HOPE YOUR marriage is different from ALL the other Western Women who got scammed out of 1,000's of dollars. That your marriage is based on love. He lies. HOW can you know ANYTHING he says is true? Even a " I love you"?
Wake up, OP
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