A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I am struggling with my relationship with my wife's sister. I have been with my wife for ten years. We are happily married, in that we love and support one another and are united in our goals and hopes. We have some minor disagreements and issues, but our marriage, I believe, is sound. On the other hand, we both have stressful jobs, and that takes its toll on our ability to relax and have fun with each other. My wife has an older sister. Since the day I met her, we have been great friends. My view of her is that she is quite like her sister, (my wife), but with the "volume turned up." My wife is funny, engaging, pretty, a great person. Her sister is all of the same, but more of it as well. We have always loved each others company, and are always so happy to see one another at family get-togethers. She is also married.Over the years, we've engaged in small flirtations. Our family even jokes about us being such good friends. A few years ago, after a wedding reception, we had had a bunch to drink and shared a small kiss. It was unexpected and wonderful, but we never spoke of it, and never followed up on it again. This past weekend, after a big party, she and I were the last ones to bed. We ended up talking late into the night, and realized we were holding hands and I was rubbing her neck. We acknowledged we were at a line that we probably shouldn't cross, because of the numerous relationships at risk. As we were in the midst of that talk, we ended up passionately kissing for quite some time. We both acknowledged to each other that we love each other deeply and have done so for a long time. But we also acknowledged that there was "no place to go from here." This is not a question of lust -- I do love this woman, in a way that years of time together will develop. I care about her well-being, her advancement in her career, her difficulty with family challenges, and providing support and advice to her throughout these times. It has been interesting to me (and gut-wrenching) to come to a point where I genuinely do love two women at the same time. Doing so honestly may be a moral impossibility, given that true honesty and commitment requires forsaking others, but that does not change the fact that I am emotionally invested in the lives, loves, successes, and failures of both of these women.I'm not asking for permission from the readers to engage in this affair. We both have families of our own and we know that to go farther would be to destroy relationships throughout the family. But at this point, I am unwilling to engage in "hardline" decisions like never seeing her again, thinking bad thoughts about her, etc.Essentially, I need advice about protecting my marriage, and finding a way to love my sister-in-law in an appropriate way. She is a wonderful person, I want to keep her as the wonderful friend she is. I know that I can't eliminate my attraction to her entirely, but I was hoping for some helpful advice about discussing and acknowledging boundaries. Perhaps begin with exactly this discussion with her?Thank you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2012): Hi I'm curious how did u move on from this? Is there an update? Im looking for the same information you were and im wondering if anything has changed in the last 4 years.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 October 2008): You and I are in the exact same boat, only you've gone a farther than my sis-in-law and I. I remember very clearly one Sunday at her home, she, I and our niece were on the sofa playing with the child. At some point, we were holding hands under the blanket and saying "I love you" to the child while squezing hands under the blanket. We never spoke of it but have always stolen glances at each other at family gatherings. It's best to leave it be. You know you love your wife, as I do mine of nearly 20 years. But you've grown close to her sister. Don't go any farther. Cherish the moments with your wife - enjoy the family get togethers but avoid the "near occasion of sin" by making sure you're not alone with her if you can help it.
Bless you,
me.
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A
male
reader, eddie  +, writes (7 October 2008):
 Sexual attractions are everywhere. To that I'd say...so what? I find my sister in law attractive too, the woman next door, my cousin etc. It means nothing. What we do with our feelings is the most important.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 October 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks everyone.
Some of the responses missed the point, I think -- I'm not interested in moving forward with an affair, and I am interested in reinvesting into an already good marriage to make it even stronger.
I'm more interested in people's thoughts about close relationships that could involve sexual attraction, but that people step back from to preserve a valuable emotional and familial relationship. To those of you who gave advice on that issue, thank you especially.
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A
male
reader, eddie +, writes (6 October 2008):
She can never be just a friend because of the boundaries you've already crossed. I'd bet as far as your wife would be concerned you might just have well done it all. Do not try to kid yourself and put this deceitful encounter up on a pedestal as something to protect. It was a foolish act. You should hope your wife never finds out as we'll be crushed from more than one side. I'm sorry if I sound harsh but this is a very difficult situation to get out of. If you're ever discovered, the hurt from this will be ten fold that of a regular affair.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2008): This was very disturbing to me. What started as an emotional affair is turning physical. (I find it odd that some men get divorced and find a woman that looks and acts like their Ex.) Rather than having 'dates' with your wife and keeping the spark alive, you settle for a counterfeit relationship with your Sister-in-law. Every marriage needs nurturing to keep it alive, otherwise you're vulnerable to any woman. You're playing with fire and you're going to get burned and regret it the rest of your life. Protect your marriage and don't put yourself in a position to be alone with your sister-in-law...and just for added effect, imagine Your wife laughing into his eyes of another man & then reaching in for a kiss...you never forget those moments...
There's still hope to save your marriage...I hope you choose right.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2008): I think the easiest way would be to carry on as you did previously ie. without the kissing and groping.
I also think you've answered your own question in your last sentence!
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