A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:First, there is a seven year age difference between me and my significant other. I don't care about that, but getting info out of the way. Second, we've been dating for 3 months now. I am 18, he is 25.Things have heated up within this past month, and now it appears the relationship is headed towards sex. This doesn't make me uncomfortable, however, I am reviewing over the facts/ information to make sure it is truly the comfortable decision I still believe it to be. I am a virgin, he is not (obviously). We've done a few things, and I've never felt discomfort, or even like I was forced. Things have been fun in the intimacy department. He's given me oral, I've also played with him a bit, we've seen each other naked (every small step happened slowly over the relationship, not all at once.)He treats me right, and has never pressured me for anything EVER. I'M the one who brought up the fact that our intimate encounters have grown more intimate, and that perhaps it was time to think about protection, and actually talk about sex. He seemed to agree with me, and his position on it was that certainly he wants sex, but he's afraid that of putting me in a bad position, or taking advantage of me. (He hasn't, and I don't think at least he's taken advantage. Everything was consented by both parties. I explained this to him afterwards.) I've never had sex before, because I've never found anyone I could trust, or even like enough. I trust him, and DEFINITELY like him...ABUNDANTLY. First, before anything, I told him I wanted to have an honest discussion with my mother about our change in relationship so far, and bring up sex. It's something I trust her with, and I want her to know where everything is headed, and know that I'm being/ will be safe. He believed this was rational. We decided after I've had this discussion with her, he'd actually buy condoms. (I was going to talk to my mom about birth control as well.)We had this discussion last night, and I need to find a good time to talk to my mom about this. As for my mother's opinion on my boyfriend, she ADORES him, approves of him, and ever since we started dating, she informed me that since he was older, sex was likely to happen. (And to please inform her before it does. Hence, respecting mother's wishes and wisdom.)
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (7 November 2013):
 Oh and not to rub salt into the wound , but ...being that it would be your first time, are you sure you want it to happen under your mom's nose ? This sounds so ...medieval.
I just finished a book about life in my town in Middle Age. It seems that when there was a wedding the bride's female relatives ( mom, older sisters, aunts.. ) would take her to the bridal room, help her undress, and wear a nice night gown, wash her, braid her hair, .. and put her in bed. Then they would wait, sitting just outside the door, for the defloration to happen and the marriage be consumed, calling encouragements every now and then : " don't worry honey it will be over soon ! " " make us proud ! " " may the Good Lord be with you ! "
Now , this is less strange than it sounds, because the bride was generally around 12, and before that she had had absolutely not , forget " dated ", forget " known ",- but SEEN any other male besides her male relatives. So the poor child bride must have been scared s..tless, and having mother outside the door must have been a big comfort.
But , you are an adult, you have life experience, this is the 21st century, - and you don't need your defloration to be a choral event, do you ?
Yeah, the more I think about it, the more I'd suggest a nice , romantic hotel. It will be money well spent.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (7 November 2013):
 Cindy Cares went to the same school as my mom... who's standard response to me when I brought boyfriends home for overnights was "I do not care what goes on once I'm asleep (at 10 pm) but WHEN I GET UP IN THE MORNING every body better be in their ASSIGNED BEDS....
in other words "please be discreet and do not throw your self life IN MY FACE"
If you don't have a place to have sex (and I've had outdoor sex it's not fun and it's not a good idea for your first time) then DON'T have sex.
IF you don't want to get a motel room.. then don't have sex... or find some friends that will lend your their space... (bring your own sheets and change the bed as courtesy)
DO NOT make your first time, in a car or anywhere not private and personal.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (7 November 2013):
Pardon me but I think that one has to be pretty thick skinned to put the wish to save their bfs some money over that to respect their parents' sensitivities and boundaries.
You may call them hang ups, you may not approve them, but, first it's her house so her house her rules, second everybody has a different comfort zone in reference to these things, and most people do not enjoy to be directly confronted with the expression of their children/ parents / siblings' sexuality. One thing is to know , since is not some dark evil secret, all another one is being obliged to rub one's nose into what is a very private matter. Many parents do not feel right being dragged into their kids 's sex life ( particularly when it's not a steady ,"final choice " partner, but a person who could be very possibly just be the first in a string of young, transitional loves ) and it's unfair forcing them. Regardless of what season it is.
It cuts both ways, too. Personally, I would not be bothered by a situation like you describe ( my apartment is very large, and the walls thick:)- but my son would have a big problem with that.
It happens that I am away from home 90% of the weekends. Once, when my son was maybe 19, for some reason I was not sure of leaving ,and he kept asking me :so, did you make up your mind. Thinking that he must have a certain reason for asking . : I told him, look I don't care who spends the night here , as long as they don't make away with the silverware in the morning. Bring whomever you need to bring, it won't bother me ". His scandalized reaction was " The heck I would! You are sick ".
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 November 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHe doesn't have an apartment. His Spring Semester is his last semester in college, and due to college transfers, financial problems (he has a job, but not a good one. Merely one he's had to last him through college), he had to move back in with his parents. (Who are religious, and therefore I doubt approve of me anyways.) After college he's getting a better job, and his own place. As for hotels...I don't want him to spend too much money. Especially if that's what we just end up having to do each and every time.
Although, before I received your response, I took the time to attempt to hear my Mom out again. She had valid reasons as to why. No malice.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (6 November 2013):
 Your guy is 25 years old. He's an adult and can rent a car and a hotel room and presumably has his own place. Why can't you go somewhere safe with your man? Your mother has basically asked you not to have sex in her house, why would the alternative be outside in the snowy woods? Why not your man's nice warm apartment or house or a nice little hotel room, or bed and breakfast inn?
And in your Mom's defense, what you have told her is a big milestone in your life and it can be very disconcerting to find that there are emotions dredged up, no matter how prepared you might think you are for them. So cut her some slack. She didn't say, 'not over my dead body!' She said, 'use protection' and 'don't tell me where or when.'
So why can't your 25 year old man find a place to properly become sexually intimate with you? Does he have some problems with that?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 November 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI HAVE NOT RESPONDED TO ANY OF THESE ANSWERS YET. I don't know who did, but it wasn't me. "Thanks for the answers"?!
That wasn't me. (One way to tell is through language. The person who wrote that did NOT use clear structure. Also, what about an ex? Wouldn't I have mentioned something about an ex? Also, they FLAG the responses of the original inquirer. That response was not flagged, and was not mine.)
However, I do thank you all for you answers. Now, for the REAL update:
1. I talked to my mother, she essentially said "use protection". Obvious. However, she did not see a problem with it at FIRST. More on that later.
2. My partner has been tested, and does not carry diseases. So, in the clear about that.
3. Now for the more recent update: my mother's random outburst before I headed off to school this morning (TWO DAYS AFTER THE DISCUSSION). She, without warning, exclaimed "You're not doing anything in my damn house!", inspiring a conversation that caused me to miss the bus. She told me to "get creative" with the whereabouts. Anywhere, she doesn't care, just not in the house. You know, where it's SAFE. You'd think she'd want to know where I was, and want me to be comfortable, right?! Apparently not. No ideas what to do about that, beyond go against her will. Because I'm not having sex in a forest or anything stupid like that. Not when there's the SAFETY of home. Not when it's NEARLY WINTER. There's a better option, and I don't see why my mother would rather me have sex god knows where.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 November 2013): Is this your update?
Thank you for your answers, but they are still better than me sexually :( I feel embarassed from what my ex saw of me I must of looked like crap. I wish I had never let him touch me.
If that's the case it sounds like you're really not ready for sex and that what you actually needs is your mum's reassurance that it's a good idea.
Why don't you post again with you real fears laid out...?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 November 2013): honestly i think he is a really good guy for you and he clearly respect you.My advice DONT TELL YOUR MOTHER!!you are 18 yr old girl and you dont need her approval,i think its just weird to ask your mother can u have sex!!just be smart and USE PROTECTION!!! condoms and birth control pills!! there is nothing more beautiful then sex with someone u care about and who cares about u,you will learn about it :))good luck ...and be smart xx
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 November 2013): Thank you for your answers, but they are still better than me sexually :( I feel embarassed from what my ex saw of me I must of looked like crap. I wish I had never let him touch me.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 November 2013): I don't understand everyone's complete negative reaction to talking to your mum about this. Some mums just happen to want to care for the daughters past the day they turn 18, I think its very trusting you'd like your mums support and advice (it's better than asking strangers on the internet, who has your best interests at heart more than your own mother?!)
So obviously you might not want to go into full details but you could just say "so mum, we spoke about my relationship and how we'd speak when I was ready to lose my virginity and I am ready, I've spoken to him and would like your advice on contraception" or whatever else you'd like to say.
Don't just rely on condoms alone, have the pill/injection or implant. He's not a virgin so he needs to get tested. It's not insulting it's protecting yourself, lots of sexually transmitted diseases have NO symptoms. He should have std check and his blood taken for an HIV test. Not a romantic topic but if you're ready for sex with this guy then you're grown up enough to state that you need that. Don't take his word for it, either ask to be present in the appointment where he is told his results or have him ask doctors surgery for it on record.
Good luck x
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (4 November 2013):
you are 18 you have no need to talk to your mother about sex or birth control.. what goes on in your life is YOUR choice. YOU do not need your mothers permission or blessing to be sexual with your boyfriend.
WHY in the world does your mother need to be informed BEFORE you have sex, is she going to give you the sex talk?
take pictures? have you blessed? what is she planning to do that makes it so important for HER to be in YOUR business???? I don't think your mother wanting to be in your business so deeply is wise... are you and your mom too close?
take yourself to planned parenthood and get on some hormonal BC such as the pill or an implant. this needs to be at least a month before the first sexual intercourse.
also both of you can get blood work done together and give it to each other.... and then again at 6 months monogamous.
Be proactive about this and then go to mom and lay out all the paper work on the table and say
MOM I love you and this is the last time we will discuss MY sex life. Here is my scrip for birth control pills... here is a copy of my blood work and his (ask his permission first and if he balks (as he should) then respect that and don't give his)
do you want to know when and where too? (personally I could not ask that without rolling my eyes at her)
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (4 November 2013):
As you're an adult, I don't understand why you should have to tell your mom you're going to be having sex. Anything she needs to say to you should have already been said by now. "Hey mom, the boyfriend and I are going to finally do it!" "Have fun!"
But, to each his/her own.
So to answer your question, do it when you're eating dinner together. Food is a distraction for when there may be an awkward moment.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 November 2013): Yr 18, and you are not a child, why do you "have" to tell yr mother anything? yr sex life/r/ship is none of her business.
She is rude and nosy to even say "tell me first" sorry but she is, sex is personal, yr mother doesnt "have" to know, "please inform me"? seriously.. how rude of her, its not respect its her having control over you.
you are an adult,not some 14 yr old teen.
If you want to tell her and converse as an adult that makes her own decisions.. that you are becoming closer to him, then yes do it, but dont ask her permission! and dont let her tell you what to do, it yr r/shp not ehrs.
Talk to a close emal friends yr own age.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 November 2013): As soon as possible, over dinner or go out for a ride. Open the discussion by saying that she wanted to know when you were ready for sex, and that time has come.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (4 November 2013):
 He is afraid of taking advantage of you? Somehow your focus on how you feel "not forced" makes me uneasy. Of course you shouldn't be forced, or taken advantage of, but that should go without saying. The way you put focus on this makes it sound like you are underage and know it is wrong, yet are keen to justify your wants, despite knowing you want the wrong thing... Like a 14-year old crushing on her teacher.
Just saying, you focusing on justifying having sex and how the sex has been so far makes me think you aren't actually sure what you want. I mean why the focus on him not forcing you? It's like you're assuming that a man only wants sex and to use you. Why else are you so defensive in your question? You're an adult, so is he, you do whatever you please. We don't care. So why the need to justify it and defend it so profusely?
And him being afraid of taking advantage of you? I sure hope you just misphrased that, because he knows what he is doing, if he's taking advantage of you then he knows he is. How can he be afraid of it? Either he's doing it or he isn't.
And either you feel ready for sex or you don't, you don't have to gives us the pro's and con's and then justify your decision. You're free to do absolutely what you want with your body.
So, what are you wondering? You already say you want sex, you already know you can talk to your mom about it, and she already told you she wants to know. I don't see what the question is. When to talk to her? How about tonight? 8pm? Sounds good?
Don't make a mountain out of a mole hill, this is easy breezy. Just stop excusing and defending your decision to have sex and start owning your right to do with your body as you please.
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