A
female
age
30-35,
*ngridVivi
writes:This is the second time I've been ditched/stood up on a date in the past few months and it's really disheartening. I was meant to be having casual drinks with a guy at a bar, conversation was a bit stunted, but I tried my best to keep it flowing. I guess and I drank more than he did (even paid for some of his cider), but I wasn't a drunken mess... I tell him I need to go to the toilet, I get back and he's gone. It's made me feel so ugly and disheartened with myself. I know I'm not the prettiest of people, and when I drink my eyes go blood shot and my skin goes flushed slightly for a half an hour (which isn't attractive). But I felt so embarrassed and it's killed the rest of the night for me, but I guess he didn't care because he wouldn't see me again. He also blocked my number as soon as he left.The first time I was rejected (a few months ago) I met a guy and he instantly told me to go home because he wasn't into me, this was after I said hello. Again it made me feel terrible for a long time and insecure.I don't know how to bounce back from this. I feel hideous because of it. I spent so long trying to look nice for this guy and tried my best to be social with him, but it was all for nothing.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 July 2014): Lol, OP, your looks have nothing to do with how these guys behaved. The first one is an ass, where do you find them anyway? The second left because probably a conversation went in a direction he didnt like or you got too drunk for him.
Do you know how many times I ditched my date because he was getting drunk in front of me. I have a very low tollerance for drunk people.
I left other dates also, for different reasons. One was telling me that he had 2 kids to support, and he can only offer me sex. I excused myself for the bathroom and never came back. One was staring at my boobs the whole time, one was talking bad about gays, one was plain stupid and rasist.
One was interrupting me nonstop, talking about nonsense.one told me I am pretty but not his type as I am too fat for him. (I weigh 135lb, 5.5), he likes model type girls. One was a dentist, who asked me if I go to hygienist regularly, lol. These all dates were ditched by me, and I didn't care how impolite I was. None of them were bad looking, some were really good looking.
As you can see its not about looks. With guys it's a bit different. They wouldn't care about your personality and your looks if they can get into bed.
Would that be better? You could be the prettiest girl ever, and still be ditched. Or you can be not pretty at all , and guy would not ditch you that night but in a morning. I heard stories after stories how he slept with her after drinking all night and in a morning could hardly look at her because of her looks.
You don't know why the second guy ditched you. He invited you on a date , right? Then he left after seeing you a bit drunk. You don't know if he thought you were unattractive to him.
Actually, I heard a story from one of a very attractive ladies recently. She met this guy on line. He was from a different state, 3 hours away from her. They met at her house, had dinner and wine. She had a habit of using bad words a lot. She thinks it's cute, but not everyone thinks the same. So, after they finished one bottle, he said he wants to go get Another bottle. And he never came back. When she called him an hour later, he was on his way home. He told her he can't Stand when a woman swears.
A
female
reader, Caring Aunty A  +, writes (4 July 2014):
 Chin up Ingrid; sometimes we have to kiss a few Toads along the way before our Prince comes along...
Meanwhile try to develop your conversation skills with some basic topics so there are no flat line moments of silence. Remember a few jokes to break the silence? Generally a guy talks the most in the first three dates with a girl... After that some guys aren’t so talkative.
If you think you’re not the prettiest of people, well neither am I, but I certainly have pretty manners, pretty wardrobe, pretty long legs and a pretty good sense of humour. Work on and appreciate what you do have :)
Perhaps give yourself a nice make-over and take in some classes to develop your social circle and learn a few topics of conversation that guys (your age) talk about.
Say bollocks to those toads (Bloody Bistards!) and be positive you’ll have your Prince
Take Care – CAA
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 July 2014): Drinking might be accountable for the guy who left you at the bar. The other guy was just rude, and that's how he treats women in general. Like he's some sort of prize to be had.
Part of growing up, and dealing with the dating-scene, is learning how to bounce back from failure and rejection.
Dating has its upside, and a nasty downside. In the 21st century, it is acceptable to be calloused and cruel. To say anything that comes off the top of your skull, and to spill mouth diarrhea all over people. That comes from poor upbringing and a sense of entitlement. Lack of class.
You have to teach yourself not to take these cruelties personally, and to consider the source. A decent guy wouldn't treat a woman like either of those men. So you benefited from their self-elimination. Saved you a heap of trouble. They were rubbish too heavy to carry anyway.
Those guys are the typical online/bar-stool trolls who think they're god's gift. They figure they can be choosy, if they get a few hits on their profiles; or they may just happen to be your typical narcissist. Just remember, what goes around; comes around. They toss a few, but it hurts more when they get tossed. Total emasculation and deflated ego.
They eventually run into some exquisite beauty, with the personality of a barracuda. These ladies are the equalizers, and the female-answer to arrogant jerks like you've met. Karma has it that they all get to meet them. Every man meets his match.
You have to avoid alcohol, if you know how it changes your behavior and appearance. There's a song in the hip hop world that says "blame it on the alcohol." Only to some extent. You also have to blame it on the alcohol-consumer.
Alcohol left unconsumed, does no harm.
If you're going to put yourself down, and feel you're ugly; then stop dating at once. Remove yourself from the market, until you get your sh*t together. You're not fit for dating with that attitude.
You have to love yourself before anyone else gives a hoot. Nobody out there is looking for a woman who doesn't like herself. That's too much misery. A truckload of the most sincere compliments wouldn't help her; and it's a total downer to be around them.
Go offline, or unsubscribe from dating sites for now. Avoid bars for a little while. If a man asks you out, go only if you're not going to drink. You can't handle alcohol. Enjoy male "companionship," if you really want it. That means, dancing and dining "without alcohol." Just for the company and socializing. You aren't ready for romance yet. You would be too vulnerable and thin-skinned. A narcissist would rip you apart, and eat you alive.
For the moment, you are not girlfriend-material. Not by a long-shot. Not the way you handle rejection. You might accept the first loser who comes along. Figuring you couldn't do better. That's a lie. You can.
You have to lift your self-esteem first. Know your self-worth and value; then put yourself back out there. You're good-looking, if you do say so yourself.
You know your assets and what you have to offer as a woman, and a person. Capitalize on your best attributes girlfriend!
Take a time-out from dating. Get your feelings in order, and boost your ego a little. Get a makeover, color your hair, take a fashion risk. Stay classy, nothing outrageous.
Just do things to make yourself happy. Get acquainted with the lovely woman on the inside; and it shows on the outside.
If you're a hot mess, go fix it. Then when you feel confident again, start dating. You have to have a thicker skin, or you'll be back here. You have to be able to pull through and survive. That ups your value, and makes you better girlfriend-material. You'll find a better class of men, who will treat you accordingly.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (3 July 2014):
 I have to agree with Cerberus, You need to learn to stop giving a flying fart what these guys think.
OBVIOUSLY they weren't keepers - a DECENT guy doesn't DITCH a date. If he is not interested he makes an excuse, walks her home or make sure she can get transportation. Or he NICELY tells her, you know I don't feel a connection let's end this date.
If you are worried that you sound or look "bad" or "worse" due to drinking, then have soda.
The first guy who said to go home because he wasn't into you was a tool, but BE glad he didn't ply you with drinks, had sex with you and THEN vanished.
Now as Cerberus said, be glad they didn't waste your time, but I would have been offended had I been in your shoes too. Because BOTH had SEVERELY bad manners.
SCREW these guys. YOU obviously know how to pick the toad out of the line up. So be ready to "kiss" a few before you find someone decent.
DID you perchance meet these on dating sites? Online or what?
Maybe the place you initially met these guy is WRONG for you.
Brush yourself off and get back in there OR stop dating for a while.
Are you good at small talk? Or do you ramble about pets, family or something that may not interest your date? Or do you talk about exes or bad experiences?
I have found that sticking to "safe" subjects like movies, books, travel, food, fun things you like. But mainly TRY and listen more, talk less, get your partner to be willing to pull the load too. IF he doesn't seem to want to talk, he ISN'T putting FORTH the effort to get to know you and you might as well end the date, and walk away. I have found if a GUY (or girl) is really interested topics and conversation isn't hard.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 July 2014): you don't need to be disheartened by the guy at the bar. he was probably a jerk who wanted to use you.
The first one probably thought himself better or was just gay. you never know. But there are other guys out there and if he is the one or a one then he wont care about your looks. he will think you are the best thing since the earth was made. you are beautiful in every single way. words shouldn't bring you down.(repeating a song that rings truth helps.)
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 July 2014): Stop putting so much importance into what men think, rejection is not personal you're just not to these guy's tastes plus it sounds like alcohol isn't a good mix when you're trying it on so it'd probably be better to stay away from it for those purposes.
OP two rejections is nothing. You should try being a guy, one that is short and bald like me. Last time I was on the hunt I was obese too, so the odds were stacked against me.
Twice in a few months is nothing, I've had twice that in one night some nights and some of them have been downright vicious to me.
Doesn't matter in the slightest because I know not everyone can be attracted to a person and rejection is just part of life.
If you can't handle it then just stop dating and stuff, OP. Rejection is part of it and happens all of us. Either learn not to take it personally or just stop doing something that's only ruining your confidence.
The first guy it wasn't even about your looks, you simply had no connection and conversation was shit so he ran. The second was nice enough not to waste your time. In my dating days directly before my wife I would have just drank more to make less attractive women more appealing for a sexual encounter, I would have used you and thrown you away the next morning. Be glad these guys were nice enough to be up front about things and not waste your time or use you.
So stop caring, OP, like anything in life if you make success too important then failure will be a crushing blow, so just be casual about the whole thing, it's really not that important.
Stop linking your self-confidence to your success in dating, it's utterly pointless.
There was one weekend where I was rejected about 4 times, granted I was absolutely out of it, beer stains on my t-shirt etc. but the 5th women ended up in my bed that night. Can you imagine if I let rejection affect me? I'd be a basket case. Because I'm a guy, and as a guy who's not "handsome" by societies standards I had to do all the work and I had to face rejection more often than success.
I mean you didn't even really know these guys either. Wait until you face the pain of knowing someone, crushing on them only to get rejected by them. Or to even date someone for a few months, start to fall for them only for them to tell you they don't feel the same and you should break up right when you want to have the "the talk" about making it official.
Seriously, OP, stop making this so important. Stop looking at men to ease your insecurities, we'll only make them worse. Find a way of being happy with yourself enough that you can see rejection as meaningless, it's okay if it stings a little initially of course, but the next day you should feel nothing at all.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 July 2014): Your 'problem' isn't how you look- it's the guy's you're going for, you seem to be attracted to men that are very very rude! No half-decent adult ditches people or tells them to go home. You shouldn't be projecting their rudeness onto your own insecurities. Be proud of who you are & start going for a different type of man.
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