A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I really need some advice on how to emotionally detach myself from my boyfriend (ex?). We've been together 4 years and things have gotten so horrible. He's not in love with me anymore therefore he treats me like shit.He doesn't care what he says or does and acts like I don't exist. He treats me with TOTAL indifference. He's manipulated me so much the last while that I feel like I can't do any better. I honestly don't know what I ever saw in him, to be honest, but for some reason I can't detach myself. He has "something" that keeps me crawling back.I've been married in the past and dated others but NONE of them was as toxic as this relationship and I had no problem when those relationships came to an end. This one is so different and I don't know why. :( The worse he treats me the more I go out of my way to show him I can do better. He's manipulated me into feeling so low about myself that I'm stuck on him and don't know how to move on.I try not to text him but then I get mad at how he's treating me and break contact. Please help me to detach myself.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 March 2014): I have recently been in a similar situation. I was with my partner for four years and even though I knew the relationship was doomed, I couldn't escape it, I was obsessed with him. He cheated on me, I forgave him, he could go a week without contacting me knowing I was going crazy, I forgave him, he would lie to me constantly, I let it all slide until eventually I came to the realisation that I was completely unhappy and the bad outweighed the good. In the end, I broke up with him and stopped all ways of contact. It was really difficult, I had broken up with him so many times before and through my own weakness got back with him but this time was different. I forced myself to stick to my guns and distracted myself by going out with friends and doing whatever I could to not think about him. Eventually, after a few months I felt so much better, the pain eased and I was finally happy again. The time away from him gave me more time to spend with my best male friend. We grew feelings for each other and 4 months down the line I'm finally with somebody who cares about me, understands me, is kind and honest and makes me happy. I have honestly never been happier. What I'm trying to say is, end the relationship and be strong, and in time you will come to realise it is the best decision you ever made. Eventually you will meet someone who treats you how you deserve to be treated and you will wonder why you didn't end things years ago. Good luck :)
A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 March 2014): You say you feel as if you have a spell cast over you, as if you are addicted to him? To me, this sounds familiar, been there and had that t-shirt on for an annoying while. Do you know why? It's because he has abused you. He no doubt started out being nice, then switched to nasty, and kept that cycle going, subtle at first, but eventually the nasty got more frequent. Am I right? He has manipulated you into a state in which you feel worthless without his approval.Have you ever heard of narcissism? I suggest you take a look at this website:http://blog.melanietoniaevans.com/This lady is a real expert on abusive relationships and how and why they happen to even people who are really strong characters, like myself. She also has some videos on YouTube. When you have a little free time, have a look. They might just give you a different and much needed perspective on what is happening to you.Take care and as Melanie will say, no contact is the first major step in YOUR detachment and healing process. He wants contact, even if it's you ranting and raving, because if he gets it, then it means you still care about him, whether he gives a flying wotsit about you or not. And sorry to say but it sounds as if the only person he cares about is himself.....
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (25 March 2014):
 Going no contact is like building a wall.
On your side thing will seem strange, like you are missing something and you will want to break the wall down and let him back in
On his side, he might periodically attack the wall and if he sees a hole in the wall (that you made) he will come in...take a huge dump in your space and leave. He will do this multiple times if you keep making holes in the wall (opportunities for contact)
If he comes to the wall and there are no holes, he might try to make some, but if you ignore the holes he makes, he will eventually give up and back right off.
The advantage of NOT responding to the holes he makes (attempts at communication) is that he cannot come take any more dumps in your space...you block him out.
Eventually you will find someone else or something else to entertain you and you won't care about the wall, you will no longer have to 'police' the wall and the best thing about this is that the wall just keeps getting stronger and stronger by itself!!!
Every time you make contact you are hitting yourself over the head with the plank of wood...you are hurting yourself. We can only conclude that you LIKE hurting yourself and want to punish yourself in this way. We can also assume that you WANT to give this low life asshole ALL your power and that you might be liking playing the VICTIM.
You will never recover emotionally until you break contact.
Expecting to recover whilst still contacting him is MADNESS and eventually you will be so sick and tired of beating yourself up, you will be forced to give it up. The difference between giving it up now rather than in the future is the amount of emotional damage you sustain and the amount of your own life you waste.
If you only had a week left to live...would you seriously waste it on pining over him???...no you wouldn't because you would see that there is far more important stuff to do than waste precious time on him.
Right now you are having the mother of all pity parties, you have declared yourself pathetic and unsalvageable and have given up your power to save yourself...believe me, that shit cannot go on forever...
Start building that wall sister...you got nowhere else to go.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 March 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo let go of him, emotionally. But I don't know how. I've tried going no contact but it doesn't work. He *always* knows the exact thing to do or say to provoke me. My mom said to me that she doesn't understand all of this because it seems like someone has cast a spell on me over this man. That's kind of how this situation feels. I feel totally out of control. I've never went through anything like this.I know he is so toxic for me and is ruining my life but I don't know why I can't just walk away from him. I've done it in past relationships and didn't look back. If I could reach some indifference I'd be okay but I can't even get that far.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (24 March 2014):
So what is it that you actually want?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 March 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the replies. Ciar, that's totally true. There definitely isn't women knocking down his door. He'd always act like it but there's not. He acted like he thought he was Gods gift to women but I never really saw anyone trying to get it. Of course there were women that would look and check him out, but NO ONE seems to have been into him like I am. He's 36 and only slept with 8 women, all of which he had horrible relationships with.I honestly don't know what I did see in him. Over half of our relationship he would often smell because he didn't like bathing properly. He would go almost a week sometimes and when he did get in the shower he'd just splash some water on his body and call it a day. He lied ALL the time. He stole money from me and things from others. He was a daily pot smoker and would often spend his last dime on getting a dime. My family and friends hate him, after meeting/getting to know him, and say they never understood what I saw in this man. His family and friends, after meeting/getting to know me, loved me for the longest time until he ran his mouth telling them some kind of bullshit stories.However, he's played the game well and has totally made me feel like shit. I cry over him all the time. I've begged and pleaded and the more I do, the more he acts like he doesn't care. He even told me a week ago he wishes he was the type to get under something else so he could finally get over me completely. He's TOTALLY changed. He would've never said that in the past. I feel like he's making me pay for mistakes I made in our relationship that hurt him.I used to feel confident, sexy, happy and was always bubbly. At one point in our relationship he said that he never deserved me and how he somehow got lucky when he got me. Now he's made me feel ugly, worried, beneath him. I feel like I can't do any better. I really don't know how this happened.He's made me feel like NOTHING I do is good enough. For example; he'll ask me to do something sexually that no one else would ever try, when I'd do it he'd make a comment that made me feel like I had to do it "better". He knew because I loved him so much that I'd do whatever it took to make him happy. The last time I saw him he said to me "hold me and make me feel loved" yet I did that the entire 4 years together. He's the one making me feel so UNLOVED. When I threaten to leave him he doesn't care. He acts like he'll just move on like we never happened therefore that keeps me holding on. He did tell me once that he stayed with one of his ex's for almost 4 years because she made him feel like he couldn't do any better. However, I wonder if he didn't just treat us all the same and has a good way of playing victim.I've had successful relationships in the past. We'd break up just because we weren't right for each other but never had the problems I'm facing in this relationship. In fact, I'm on good friendly terms with all of my serious long-term ex's. So, I know that I'm not the monster he's turned me into or is making me feel like but he has this control over me. I feel like a puppet on a string and he's controlling it.
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (24 March 2014):
 Also look up 'Random Reinforcement'
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 March 2014): Being in this situation with this lowlife will only stop when you realise there is nothing left to say or do which will make any difference to him.
How do I know? Because it's me all over here and now. Then get some counselling it really helps.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (24 March 2014):
The reason why you go back time after time is because you are trying to prove to yourself that you are valid, that you do have the power to make this guy love you and treat you with respect and that you have the last word in whether the relationship continues or not.
You have a poor relationship history and over time that starts to change who you think you are, so with each new relationship, it becomes more like a challenge of endurance to hold on rather that nurturing a healthy union.
By holding on and not giving up you are telling yourself that you do have 'what it takes' to be a valid partner...except that the relationship that you are striving for is in your head and any actual arguments, bad behaviour, stalking, begging, crawling back can be convieniently swept under the rug. Each time you go back is a victory! and each time he treats you like shit...you ignore it...
You are in denial! and you are codependent on him for providing you with happiness and value because you are scared to accept another relationship failure.
The reality is thet the relationship is dead and you feel so awful because the opportunities for 'showing him you can do better' are rapidly running out, because he is sick of you and would rather you gave up and left him alone.
Why doesn't he just end it?...because he's probably another inept, responsibility shirking, attention seeking low life who would rather you did all the sacrificing! (a lot of men can be like this and we, as women fool ourselves every day that they are Gods when, in fact they are assholes)
Todays technology does not allow us to break up in peace, there are too many options for contact and 'poking'. Texting and e-mail for 'absolutely having your say' without the need for eye contact and if that fails there is always the Facebook/Twitter method of stalking someone to turn you into a completely neurotic stalker!!! (heaven knows how many of those ladies have posted here on DC over the years!!!)
Some women will swear they are trying to get over a guy and then hang out in places that guy hangs out...it's truly CRAZY LADYVILLE!!!
If you really want to get over him and get off this diabolical treadmill of abuse shame and guilt, you need to
STAY THE HELL AWAY!! Ditch his number, change yours!, ditch his email, block him on all social networking, shop and hang out in different places, don't mix or have contact with his friends (and if you do...ban them from mentioning him)
Nobody id going to physically remove you from the situation...you have to 'grow a big pair of lady balls' and remove yourself!
There aren't many people who haven't had to do this to some extent or another so I don't know why, as humans, we haven't learned and adapted better to escaping shitty relationships??...We are all still so shocked and traumatised?? We are all still 'But I just can't!!'...
You may as well sit in a corner for the rest of your life and beat yourself over the head with a piece of wood...because that is all you are getting from this 'connection'...a lot of pointless pain that you are doing to yourself!!
I have a piece of wood...would you like me to send it to you??
Time to get real with your life!!!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 March 2014): Read Co-Dependency for dummies if you want an excellent understanding of how YOU allowed yourself to be manipulated in the first place. Co-dependency begins long before we grow up and form relationships. It begins in childhood.
You can either just treat this as a surface issue and leave him and deal with the pain as best you can OR look into why you have this tendency to be manipulated. I'd suggest the latter, otherwise it will keep happening.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 March 2014): Sounds like you have an obsessive compulsive nature and struggle to let things go, even when you know its not good for you. Have you tried seeing a psychologist? I was also caught in an unhealthy relationship and was advised that if you don't give the person the power to hurt you , you will be taking control and be protecting yourself. Don't call/text or any form of contact. By not contacting the person you take away their power to hurt and upset you. Keep busy, join the gym, go out with friends, start building a life outside this man. You deserve better and you meet someone that will treat you a lot better. Time to close this chapter in your book and you are the only one that is holding yourself back.
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A
female
reader, Keeley345 +, writes (24 March 2014):
That something that keeps you crawling back, is called a ''hold over you''. He sounds emotionally abuse. There is alot to emotional abuse so I'd advise you google it. There are sites that offer advice on it too. You've acknowledged this relationship as toxic so well done! You can try and break free of him but will need help.
Try talking to friends and family, even a women's shelter. They may offer you coffee and a chat. Just a friendly ear. You're worth a million more than that scumbag. He will get his payment one day. I'm certain of it. His luck will run out and he'll see the error of his ways.
But for now read up on emotional abuse online. The more you know the better you'll understand what's happening to you. The advice and tips will help point you in the direction of help. In the meantime please come back on here. Let us know how things are. We're always willing to offer advice as best we can.
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A
female
reader, Ciar +, writes (24 March 2014):
The first step is to imagine a life after him and focus not on what you think you'll lose but on what you can gain.
Where the mind goes, the body follows so get your mind accustomed to thinking outside the box you're in. You're not obliged to act on it and there is no deadline so give yourself permission to just picture it for a few minutes at a time. This is just an exercise that will help you extricate yourself mentally so that you're in a better position to do it physically.
Another exercise you can try in addition to the above is to picture other women rejecting him. Most would have no interest in your boyfriend if they saw how he really behaved. He's not in demand except among the most desperate.
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