A
male
age
41-50,
*dherb
writes:Hello everyone. I was in a long relationship with this woman. 10 years. For a time, we were planning on getting married. It has been 3 years since it ended. We still see, and talk to each other. At times,it feels alright. Other times, it hurts, really hurts. I still feel that I have not yet heard the truth on why it ended between us. We have told each other we want to remain friends. I want to keep my word, but knowing that we will never be together, at times kills me. Is there a right thing to do here? Thanks for the help.
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male
reader, 2old4this +, writes (21 January 2009):
 And it sounds like you have your answer. Crystal13 is right, it is not impossible to be friends awterword. But from a male perspective I believe it is much more difficult for men then women. Men often need all the questions answered before we move on or most times we cant. I had a 15 year "what if" with mine until I got that closure. And yes we are friends but not so much. I find that much of my desire to be around her had alot to do with my love for her. She is a nice person and I like her just fine. But in all honesty I don't need to talk to her anymore. My focus is on my fiance' now. She is my friend and my lover. I know alot of guys who feel that way, hence my answer before. I think moving on is best for you.
A
male
reader, pdherb +, writes (20 January 2009):
pdherb is verified as being by the original poster of the questionUpdate: Thanks everyone for the help.
To pastfirst- I have tried to get the reason why it ended, but she has never given me an answer. When I ask, I get "Please dont bring that up" or "Not now". When I confront her on it, no answer, & I will not hear from her for awhile. After all this time, I just want the truth. Tired of feeling like a yo-yo. I guess my definition of friend and hers are two different things.
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A
male
reader, Griffo  +, writes (20 January 2009):
 P.S If you do attempt to reignite everything (the love) when you meet back up as discussed below. You will be back at square one and likely waisted all that time for nothing so please be careful.
Be friends and 'mean' it :)
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A
male
reader, Griffo +, writes (20 January 2009):
Hi pdherb,
I believe it is possible but you cannot do it right after you break up. You will be stuck in an endless loop of wonder if you'll ever get back with that person.
The only real way you can do it is by giving you both space and time away from each other, but this comes with a mutual agreement that you both want to remain friends as well as 'meaning' that too. There's no point in just saying it and not 'meaning' it - if you don't mean it and if that happens this will fail.
Three years is a long time since it ended, and its about time you let go. I suggest tell the person you really loved them you still want to be friends but you will need time away because you really want to be their friend.
Now because there has been a huge confusion gap for three years it means you might want to wait one maybe even two years at least to see each other again, some people make it up to 10 years. You both will build new lives and have new relationships but if you are both really sincere about being friends in the future - it will happen. Make a time and a place to meet up again and promise each other that when you do it's strictly "as friends" and thats it! Don't even try to cover it up and just say it in the hope that person would come back to you with open arms, it doesn't work like that, you need to both mean this as well and stick to it - like a promise.
The reason why I know this is my first love is still one of my best friends with me today we took 10 years apart - i never thought id ever see her again but i remembered the time and place we would meet up. When we saw each other again we became the greatest friends, and that is truly a remarkable feeling and a special thing to have.
I wish you the very best :)
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A
female
reader, pastfirst +, writes (20 January 2009):
 Your letter isn't clear.
You've been friends for 3 years and yet you've never discussed why your relationship ended?
Tell her you want to have a serious talk. You may discover she feels the same way as you do.
You need some sort of "closure" as to why your relationship ended. Then you can get on with your life and decide in which direction the two of you are heading.
If she wants more than friendship, you could try again. If not, you have to make a decision if you want to be just "friends".
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A
female
reader, kpcw +, writes (20 January 2009):
I disagree with "2old4this" and here's why: I am not sure it's always possible to remain friends with an ex. However, I don't think that it's wrong. When you are in a real, committed relationship with someone, you effect each other deeply. It's not that out of the question to still feel connected to that person after you end things.
Anyway, the only way you're going to feel better about this is 1. if you stop being friends (which does not seem like something you want to to do) or 2. talk to her about it. Whether she feels the same or not is not the point. Just start with talking to her about it and ride it out from there.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 January 2009): ask her why it ended ask like your her friend and let her know that it does hurt you when you see each other yes you want to keep your promise, but its to soon for you and you just need a bit of time to close the hole in your heart it wont close until you figure out why it ended so ask her and tell her how you really feel.
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A
male
reader, 2old4this +, writes (20 January 2009):
I've always wondered why people want to remain friends after being together in a commited relationship. It makes no sense. Look at it this way. If you were the boss of a company and were demoted to shipping and had no chance of ever getting back to the top with them again, would you stick around or go find a better job? The only reason you would stick around is for the hope of another chance at the top, which is fruitless. Always move on. I'm not saying you have to cut ties 100%, but very very limited interaction at best. I'm also saying it never happens, but it obviously cant with you because the way you feel. Part ways and meet a new love. After that see if you still want a friendship with this woman. I'm guessing you wont.
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