A
female
age
41-50,
*ostinSpain
writes:I've been dating this amazing guy since the end of July. Things have been great and each time we see each other, things for the most part just keep getting better and better. 2 times during our short lived relationship (1 each month), I have turned in to a crazy bitch and the saddest part is that I didn't even realize it nor did there seem any reason for it. I was anxious, angry for no reason, everything irritated me, overly emotional, overwhelmed, and felt completely out of control. I was very confused about whether or not I wanted to be with him, doubted his feelings for me (asked him the status of our relationship), become paranoid that he was seeing/sleeping with someone else (and asked him), and overly sensitive to anything he said/did. I couldn't stop crying either (FYI - just taking a shower would send me over the edge but he didn't know this). I think at one point this last time, I actually even compared our relationship to watching a train wreck and when he asked me how I felt about him, I sort of jokingly sort of seriously told him he caused me nothing but grief.......it's so untrue!Needless to say, after this last "episode" he told me that I was way too emotional and he felt he needed to back off (does that mean take a break or break up????). I tried to explain to him that something was wrong and that this isn't me but.........I finally saw my Gyn last week and through her questioning, realized that both episodes coincided with the 10 days or so before my period! She said my symptoms were classic severe PMS/PMDD symptoms and started me on continuous birth control pills which she said should help lessen my symptoms and make them more managable if I still have any (I'll only have 4 periods a year now). I think I've always had this issue but from the time I was 18 until I was 29, I was on the pill. I went off the pill a few years ago when I got engaged. Thinking back, PMS/PMDD may be one (though not the only) reason that that relationship failed. I've lived alone since (this guy is my first serious relationship since I broke up with the ex-fiance 3 years ago) and well, never really put two and two together. The worst part of all of this is knowing that I hurt him. He thought all my tears and anger were because of him and they weren't. I care about him very much and he actually really makes me VERY happy! I know I need to forgive myself and let it go but right now, I'm still feeling guilty. I know that PMS/PMDD is only an explanation of my behavior, not an excuse but how do I explain this to my (ex?) boyfriend? Is there anyway that he'll give me another chance? How do I convince him that it is safe to be around me again?
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female
reader, deirdre  +, writes (8 October 2012):
I also get this although I think it is just severe PMS in my case and not PMDD as the intensity of my symptoms varies. I am on the pill and I can honestly say it helps A LOT in terms of length of time of symptoms, although my symptoms havent disappeared to be honest. you could explain to him about this, just dont be too anxious to explain and be calm when explaining it so it doesnt sound like an excuse. obviously any understanding person will see its not an excuse... I hope the pill helps you and good luck xx
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (8 October 2012):
 If you really have severe PMDD, the best would probably be also seeing a psychiatrist, just going on the pill could be not enough.
The cause of PMDD has not been officially established, but the leading theory is that, like other dysphoric disorders, has to do with a lack of serotonin, worsened by the fluctuations of sex hormons levels. In case like yours , therefore, often SSRIs ( Prozac , Zoloft , etc.) have been prescribed and found very effective. Talk to a specialist and see what he says.
Back to your dilemma.
Yes, I think he is definitely backing off, - you wonder if he lost interest or if he got scared, but it is a bit the same, isn't it, he may have lost interest because he got " scared ". Well, not really scared, as in Uh I am so afraid, but he may have decided that an overemotional out of control person is not really whom he wants to date.
Frankly, I am not too optimistic, because , even supposing you explain him about the PMDD and what your ob/gyn said and all.... well, a much in love partner would stand by your side, but someone whom you have just met and just started dating and is not totally head over heels could be reasonally apprehensive and not wanting to have to deal with your issues , albeit realizing that they are not your fault and you are not to blame.
I think the best for now is to let him have the space he asked for, and do not take initiatives, I know that it must be hard for you to be in a limbo , not knowing exactly " are we on, are we off, or something in between ", - but I am afraid that right now if you become proactive or press for meetings and explanations and showdowns, he'll take it as part of your problem with handling emotions and frustrations.
Just give him space, and let him come to you.
If he does not.... well, I guess, if you want, there's no harm in making a last ditch effort, and sending him a mail , explaining that what happened was because of a medical condition that you had no control over, but now is being treated, and that you'd like to wipe the slate clean and start all over with him, as if you two had just met, and you are confident this time you won't have problems.
If he likes you enough, I think he'll give you a second chance . But if he says no, please don't be mad at him and do not take it personally. It's not your fault that you have a biochemical problem- but also he is not to blame if he feels atm he can't handle your issues .
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 October 2012): He told you he needs to back off. You can explain your recent discovery of the PMSD and make a joke about it - but then you need to give him his space - like he asked. Show him you can respect that - but be prepared that it may be over..
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A
female
reader, LostinSpain +, writes (8 October 2012):
LostinSpain is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for the response janniepeg.
I've been great the entire time we've been together except for +/- 10 days each month so he does know that I can be sweet, fun, etc. The first month just wasn't as bad as this last month, in part because I didn't see him during that time the first month (I was away on vacation). I had a melt down during a phone conversation that first month but that was it. This past month, he saw me everyday and it was bad.
I see him everyday at work and he is very standoffish right now. Not sure if it's because he's not interested anymore and just being nice or if it's because he's gun shy now, not knowing if it's "safe" to be around me so I thought it was better if I just give him space. I don't want to push him and I'm not really sure how to act with him. I'm embarrassed and I feel guilty for hurting him. Not sure if this is the right move or not.
We had talked last week about hanging out this weekend but he didn't seem like he wanted to. He said he had a busy weekend with rehearsal for a play he's in, he needed to get his haircut, and he needed to be up early Sunday morning (6am). He said he'd let me know but by Sat. morning, I hadn't heard from him so I decided to let him off the hook and in a way let him know I wasn't upset if we couldn't hang out, by sending him a text telling him as much as I wanted to see him, I really just needed some time to myself to process everything. I wished him a good weekend, to break a leg in his play, and that we'd talk soon.
I don't think it was that he didn't want to see me. I think he really was busy and had a lot to do. But the way he says it makes it hard for me to figure out so I'm confused on what to do, how to act, where we stand (not entirely sure we're still together, on a break, or broken up entirely), etc.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (8 October 2012):
 Your post shows that you care about your boyfriend very much, but he doesn't know that. I don't know how much you are contacting him but next time if you have a chance of meeting up with him, do something light and fun, let him see that you are capable of showing a side of you which is innocent and childlike. I think that is more effective than explaining something that's hard to understand even for me. I am on the birth control pill and I have mood swings too. I think the whole female mood thing is a mystery. I can't tell whether my mood swings are from the pill or from not taking it. Over time he will see the change in you hopefully. I don't know if he would believe you because you were great for the first two months and then you became moody because love alters chemicals in your brain so he might think that if he's the cause of it, how could he also be the cure of the relationship? Some girls get moody after going on birth control pills. Whether he wants to try again is up to him. You might also want to check for other reasons as to, why your body is acting up, and whether you can find ways to regulate your emotions whenever there are life changes.
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