A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Long story short,I'm finally moving out of my parents' house and couldn't be happier. It's been a long time coming. I'm finally getting serious about my future and a career after years of slacking off and procrastinating;and my dad is very supportive and happy for me. So are my siblings and pretty much EVERYONE... except my mother.She doesn't want me to move out and grow as an adult...every time the subject of my leaving is on the table, she becomes extremely quiet and will respond only in monosyllables or heads shakes and nods. I understand that she doesn't want us to grow apart, because she and I are close. We spend a lot of time together, I usually text her just to say hi and to pass on some funny things i've heard that day, we have a lot of things in common (from books to movies to music...)and I genuinely love to make her happy and to spend time with her. I've never been plagued with the common teenage embarrassement bc of parents. But I feel that it's about time I move forward with my life. It doesn't mean I'll leave her behind and never see her again or that I'll replace in any way...I just want and am ready to fly from the nest!But she gets very passive-aggressive when anyone talks about my moving out and away; the guilt trips, the silent treatments, the not-so-subtle comments about how I'm too young to move away or not responsible enough to care for myself.Sometimes she says things like "Who will I do this with?" or "Who's going to remind to...?"She's a great mom, with a great heart...BUT when she acts like this I just want to scream at the top of my lungs "GET OVER IT!!!!" or tell her "I HAVE TO LEAVE SOMETIME, DON'T I?!"I don't want to hurt her, but I don't know how to deal with that. She's never been like that with me. EVER! Until now!Please help!
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female
reader, Wyeldfire  +, writes (11 October 2012):
 You have a very "enmeshed" relationship with your mother. I've done the same with my mother in the past. You both seem to lack healthy boundaries and are too comfortable with the codependence that's built into your relationship. As part of that dysfunction, your mother is now turning to emotional blackmail (insults, "poor me"-type comments) to continue manipulating you.It doesn't mean either of you love each other less, just that you're caught in some unhelpful patters and bad habits. Regardless of what she chooses to do, you can make changes to help yourself (I noticed how both you and her are wrapped up in her needs and you don't give more than one sentence to expressing your feelings and needs.)I'd suggest two links to help you understand what's going on:http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Codependencyhttp://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Emotional_blackmailAnd a couple links to get started on solutions:http://www.wikihow.com/Deal-With-an-Extremely-Codependent-Familyhttp://peterfox.com.au/family_blackmail.htmGood luck!
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (8 October 2012):
 She WILL get over it. Just go about your business when she starts acting all weird about your leaving. Are you the first birdie to fly?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 October 2012): "My mother is being passive-aggressive because I'm finally moving out! How do I deal with her?"
By being aggressive-passive, which means actively ignoring
her. Best way is to develop one canned response repeated ad nauseum that will stop every bitch and moan dead in its tracks while letting her know you heard exactly what she said yet you are not paying one bit of attention to her.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (8 October 2012):
 Just give her a little space and don't bring it up around her (if you can) Hopefully she will see that you NEED to do this and she isn't helping.
Just next time give her a hug, that might "shut" her up.
I think it's what people call "leaving the nest syndrome" - She will get over it. Don't let it put a damper on your joy, goals, hopes and dreams :)
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