A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:When I was in high school (a Catholic school), the Dean of Men was one of the worst people I ever known. He played favorites (if you were one of his favorites, you would never be in trouble no matter what you did but if you were not his favorite, he would go out of his way to make your life hell). I was one of his least favorite students. Luckily, I talked to the Catholic Priest at my school and he talked to the Dean of Men on my behalf. It was agreed that any discipline issues with me would be taken up with the priest instead of the Dean of Men. I only got into trouble once in 6 years at that school. Well, my 20th year school year reunion is coming up and which the staff (the ones who still work there and the ones that retired) are also invited. I found out that the former Dean of Men is going to be there. Because I know he is going to be there, I decided to skip the reunion. How should I explain to my friends why I am skipping the reunion? Even through he is the reason I am skipping the reunion, I do want to be respectful by not bad mouthing him. I never want to see him again but I hope he is healthy and is more happier. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, sb0828 +, writes (6 September 2017):
I can attest to behavior of people in charge at Catholic schools. I went to a Catholic high school and just like you, I was not a favorite in the eyes of one of our Deans. She played favorites and if you weren't one of them, she treated you terribly, and every slight thing you did wrong would result in a punishment. With that being said, I decided to go back after I graduated and face her because I knew that she could not do anything to me because I had graduated. I can understand having sort of PTSD from being treated the way you were by that horrible person, but just know, it does feel good to go back and show them that they were merely in charge of high school students and they abused their power, and now, you're equally as powerful as they are, and they can't do anything to you. You're free now!! But I agree with the responses above saying just tell your friends that he was a mean guy and you didn't feel like dealing with that.
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (6 September 2017):
 You don't need to make up an excuse. But are you sure that you want to miss out just because he is there? Surely you could avoid him? Off course the choice is your to make I just find it sad that after all this time you still feel like you need to avoid him.
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A
male
reader, Riot2017  +, writes (5 September 2017):
You could say you have an important trip to make that day, or find a good excuse for not being that day in there.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (5 September 2017):
 Why being so politically correct ?
If the Dean f...ed up your life so miserably that, after 20 years !, you can't stand even being in the same room with him, and you have therefore to give up to something good and pleasant, as seeing your old friends- badmouth him as much as you want ! Tell them that, as much as you would enjoy the reunion, unluckily just the presence of the old bully would bring up such painful memories, that it would suck all the fun out of the party. Why not ? Of course, some people , who did not share your experience, or had another impression of him, may think that you are exaggerating or being a special snowflake. But that's fine ; you speak YOUR truth. You have the right to have a bad opinion about this person, and other people have the right to have instead a good opinion of him. Plus, if he us / was , such a mean bully- why keep covering for him ??
I am going to take promptly back my advice, though , because it's only valid in theory, and as a matter of principle.
In practice, aw come on. That was 20 years ago. You have gone on with your life, have matured, evolved, changed, you have had your ups and downs , fought your battles, had your victories and your losses, celebrated your successes and recovered from your insuccesses. You have lived- all without the Dean, who by now is a nothing, barely a dot , not evence a sentence, in the narrative of your life. He has no power on you anymore ! Why do you want to give him that of depriving of something you enjoy ?!. You can go, see your friends, and ignore the Dean. Pointedly ignore him, if you wish. You can be as ICILY polite as you wish- or, as for that- you can even be not polite and not even aknowledge his presence with a nod of your head - what is he going to do about it , give you detention ?
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (5 September 2017):
 How sad that, 20 years on, he still has this much power over you. YOU are allowing him to stay inside your head. YOU have the power to evict him.
If this man was not going, would you want to attend the reunion? If so, then I say go and enjoy.
For starters, this miserable human being is 20 years older. Depending on what age he is, you may find yourself looking at him and feeling sorry for him.
Your best "revenge" is to he happy with your life. Is the priest who took you under his wing going to be there? Could you make contact with him before attending to talk through your feelings?
Don't let one miserable bully (who obviously has big issues of his own and little concept of how negatively he has affected the lives of those he should have had a positive effect on) stop you enjoying your life.
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A
male
reader, Been there Now over it +, writes (5 September 2017):
That's a lot of resentment you've built up and long time to let if fester. People handle these things differently. I'd go and hope to have some words of peace with him so that you might free yourself of your anger. People change over 20 years, and maybe he'll have changed for the better and - if you explain how you feel - perhaps he'll be apologetic. If he is still the same bad person I'd tell him how you feel and tell him that you hope that he corrects his behavior.
Perhaps what I've suggested doesn't fit you and your situation. That is OK. You don't have to go. Is he deserving of your respect? It doesn't sound like it. He didn't respect you. I would consider telling your friends exactly why you are not going. This fellow still has a grip on you and it is best for you to remove it, however you can.
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female
reader, Anonymous 123 +, writes (5 September 2017):
 OP you'll come across many such miserable, pathetic people in your life. Why should you go around avoiding all of them and miss out on stuff that you would do otherwise if not for them? To hell with him, just ignore the man or at best, just wish him 'good evening' if you come face-to-face and move on. I say go and have fun with your friends.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (5 September 2017):
 I'd just say you have other plans for that day and unfortunately can't make it.
It's YOUR prerogative to go or not go.
Personally, if there are MORE people you want to see than just this ONE man you don't - then I'd go and avoid the ONE person. Not too hard to do. what's the point in still having that chip on your shoulder? to STILL give him THAT much power over your life?
I'd say Fuck it and go see past friends and teachers I liked and ENJOY the event. It's not that hard to "politely" ignore ONe person in a room full of people.
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