A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I just finished my freshman year of college. I recently (5-6 months ago) broke up with my boyfriend of 4 years, my first real relationship. I’ve been trying to get myself back into a dating for some time now, but in all honesty, I don’t think I’m ready yet. I still think about a relationship in terms of with my ex; I’m constantly comparing guys to him. We broke up a while ago but I made the mistake of taking him back and having sex with him. I just recently cut him out of my life forever. However, my question(s) is not about him. I need to know if I’m right in not wanting to be in a relationship right now. Also, I have a major problem with becoming attached too quickly. I have been trying not to, but I just can’t control myself. I wanted to casually hook up with a guy in my English class, but I’m 100% I made myself look clingy and attached after we spent the night together. He even made it clear to me that he didn’t want a relationship yet I still allowed myself become attached emotionally. And is it ok to just want to hook up? I’m not ready to have sex with other guys, I still value sex as something done between two people who care for one another deeply, but I’d like to do everything but. Can you establish a relationship with someone that you do hook up with (ie. Boyfriend and girlfriend)? I should clarify that I am not a virgin, but when I say “hook up” I mean kissing and pretty much everything besides vaginal intercourse. I have all summer to try to find myself and decide what it is that I want but how do I do that? Also, how do I establish that I don't want sex with a guy in a way that he won't try to pressure me into it? Any tips, advice or words of wisdom would be greatly appreciated.
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male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (27 April 2008):
 I believe that, at one point or another, everyone compares one former love with another, or many others. If it's just a reflection about the people life has put on your path, that's fine. It might even help you understand yourself better.
Maybe you're comparing all other guys to this ex because he's the one significant relationship you've had. But it will become a bad thing if you believe that anyone who's not like him is automatically bad. Everybody has virtues and defects and nobody must be like anybody else. You need to love your partner, lover, whatever, for the person he is.
I think some people would find it just right if you didn't have vaginal sex. I wonder if this means that there are other sorts of sex, but it's not my business. The point here is, that many guys will feel that you deny them "the real thing", and some might not want to be with you.
On the other hand, I think you're doing the right thing in waiting. It seems you're not over your ex. Wait until you're over him. Give the new person, whoever he is, a clean start.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 April 2008): Just tell him the real explanation that you don't want to have sex. Do it pretty early in the dating game.
Most guys will probably break things off pretty fast after that. Even more guys will break things off when they find out that you've had sex with others but won't have sex with them now.
You've got every right to do what you want and demand what you want from a BF, but good luck with this one. You're basically asking a future BF to put up with the worst of both worlds. He doesn't get any sex AND he doesn't get an extra innocent "pure" chick out of the deal either. There are guys out there who won't mind this situation but they're usually in the minority.
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