A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I’m reallt stuck on what to do. I have been with my girl for 5 yrs. However I can’t have courage to get married. I’m always making excuses, but I’m reality I don’t know why myself. I have tried to think about it a lot, and the only conclusion that I could come up with is , could it be I’m negstive and damaged from the past? Since age of 10 I had to see my parents argue up until age of 25. I had seen things thrown, arguments, but most importantly a lot of words and decisions were discussed. I spent a lot of my teen years counselling Each one. Mum blamed Dad, Dad blamed Mum. If I didn’t moderate it, a table used to get thrown, than a remote control, I used to wind down myself end of the day in silence not leaving the house in case another argument erupted. I managed to get them living in peace , looking back at my life, I’m 26 living with parents and I can’t seem to get out. I remember thinking at age of 21 - I will always protect you Mum. And I have done my bit now. Things have calmed down. However I feel like I have lost fun in life. My parents notice this. I am not blaming them. I have a phobia of arguments. If me and my gf disagree, I immediately become negative and think thank god im not married otherwise I would be stuck (although argument isn’t big)We love each other but I feel like I’m the problem. I’m too negative. I work full time, depending on timings I don’t get out of bed until an hour before work. I don’t speak to anyone at home, I find it awkward. I’m extremely negative whilst people say I’m laid back. But no one understands. I think I don’t understand myself. How was I 10 yrs ago? Mr positive, happy, never giving up, stubborn to get things I wanted, full of energy, motivated. Now I lost motivation to clean my room, iron clothes, get out of bed. Leading up to this age I bought the cars I wanted, experienced things, been holidays, but it all seems to be not fun anymore. I think this change has happened internally. And no I hate doctors, everyone suggest a doctor, these people are useless. Currently you have to wait 3-4 weeks to see one, than u are rushed in, and unless you have a dying problem , you feel like your wasting their time especially if I can’t put it into words what’s wrong with me.Thanks for reading. Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 November 2017): Do you often find yourself checking out other women? Alone or in the presence of your current significant other? Do you often say to yourself that you wish to see changes in appearance or personality in your significant other? Do you feel as though she's really not your one true love, your soulmate? If you answered yes to these questions do her a favor and move on or if most answers were no, marry her before you wind up regretting it for the rest of your life.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 November 2017): If you can handle a committed-relationship for as long as five years; you've overcome much of your issue with commitment. It's your cynicism you need to deal with.
You might be dealing with some depression; and going through a phase of introspection and self-evaluation. We all do this in our late twenties. It's when you look back on your life and try to determine where it's going.
My opinion is you're too bitter for your age. You're thinking like a man after a nasty divorce. If you don't reprogram and reboot this angry mindset, your relationship will start to deteriorate. You won't believe in it anymore.
It's a myth that you're going to turn into your parents. That's a self-fulfilling prophesy. If you create that kind of thought-process, you'll orchestrate all the necessary events to reach a "predictable" outcome. Pessimism tends to do that. You'll come to believe everything leads to failure. So you will do nothing to avoid failure. You'll just let it happen.
Well, life requires effort on our part to make it work. So do relationships.
There are ignorant people, and there are stupid people. Ignorant people learn. Their ignorance is for the lack of knowledge. Usually they have been isolated from, or denied, facts or truth. Educate them with the facts, or give them truth; and they will change or grow.
Stupid people can see things before their eyes, have volumes of information, and still won't learn anything. They resist fact or truth. So they remain in a perpetual-state of stupidity; with a knowledge-resistant shell. They stubbornly want to believe what they believe, and truth scares them. If anything makes sense, they'll distort it with stupidity!
You had a life-lesson going on right in-front of you. So you don't repeat the things that you saw happening in your parent's marriage. Avoid that which causes pain and suffering in yours. Staying single will not avoid adult-responsibility, or disagreement with others. You still have a job, even though you can't always agree with your boss!
So what happened to that kid whom you claim was able to maintain peace between your parents? Why can't you apply what you've learned to your own life? It's common-sense. If you disagree, discuss it, and work towards a peaceful solution or compromise. Control your temper, and use your logic. You cannot always agree. Divorce is a last resort, when all options have been exhausted. It is not an inevitable outcome expected as a result of marriage, my friend!
Stubbornness and stupidity guarantees failure. It's more important to some people to have things their way; than to face the truth and admit when they're wrong. That's why relationships of all kinds fail. Smart/loving people learn that they have to own and correct their mistakes; and confess when they're wrong. It's necessary in order to resume peace, order, and to maintain harmony.
When an argument is nothing more than a shouting-match to achieve dominance and control, that mess of a relationship is destined to fail. If you didn't learn that in five years, are you ignorant...or stupid?
You have choices. Life is a series of trials, unforeseen obstacles, and challenges. You were given a brain, self-awareness, and your own soul. The outcome is partially through the choices we make; and a few weird curves life throws our way to give us extra skills for survival.
Your life and destiny depends on the choices YOU make. Your parents made theirs. Although you may have been a buffer, you didn't run your parent's marriage. They do. Some marriages are more passionate and tumultuous than others. Your parents were two unhappy and incompatible people, who didn't learn how to behave and disagree in-front of a child.
They apparently have never realized how much their behavior traumatized you. When you talked to them, you weren't advising them how to behave; you were letting them know how it was affecting you. You tried to educate them by expressing your feelings. You had to do this too much!
You didn't moderate anything, you were a distraction from their selfish anger. You were an innocent bystander caught in the cross-fire. Blame deflects personal-responsibility; but the truth remains constant. The truth is, they were both wrong; and wrong for each other. You were isolated from the facts and truth about love and marriage. They were supposed to set the example.
Why is it so easy for young-folk to see the downside of commitment, and so hard to see the benefits? Even when they are right smack-dab in the middle of it???
Your own relationship should have lit-up a light-bulb! You can manage and sustain a peaceful and compatible relationship. You were given five years of practice and a trial-period on how to overcome the mistakes made by your parents.
They may have only stuck it out for you; but that obviously has done you no favors. They've embittered you about marriage; as if all marriages are like theirs! You're old enough to know better than that! If your relationship was doomed to be like theirs, you'd be experiencing it all now.
You were just a kid who got in the middle of it; but it takes their own efforts to correct things. They chose to be stupid about it. Now change that. Grow-up! Write your own story, don't plagiarize on theirs.
Time to mind your own business and stay out of theirs. You need to see one of those "useless" doctors to deal with your childhood-trauma, and to be evaluated for depression.
You're exhausted and weary due to your parent's tumultuous marriage; which you've spent far too much of your time getting personally-involved. Their marriage is their business, not yours. Nor is it a prediction of what you have to look forward to; if you decide to take your own relationship to the next level.
Get some therapy, you need it. Stop making lame excuses to avoid it.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (27 November 2017):
 Sweetheart, you have been the carer for your parents from such an early age that you have lost sight of how to care for YOURSELF.
I totally get your lack of faith in doctors (I'm not a great fan myself and tend to only go as a last resort) but you sound as if you could be suffering from depression. Obviously you need to be diagnosed properly and then get the help you so badly need.
Can you bring yourself to talk to your girlfriend? She obviously cares for you deeply if she has been with you so many years and wants to marry you. Tell her what you have told us in your post. Explain that you know something is wrong but do not know what it is. Can you bring yourself to ask her to help you by going with you to the doctor's and explaining for you (if you find it difficult) what has been going on?
PLEASE do this for yourself. It isn't - and never was - your job to referee your parents' relationship. However, you appear to have done an amazing job so now you need to do the same for yourself. If you get chance to see a councillor, ask for tips on handling confrontation without needing to retreat into negativity. Confrontation is part of life. You need to learn to cope with it.
Good luck. I do hope things work out for you as you sound like an amazing person.
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