A
female
age
30-35,
*ylph
writes:Dear agony auntsI have been feeling very miserable for 2 weeks now, and I'm afraid I have no more tears to spare. I have been in a relationship with my bf for one year now, and I have loved him for 2 years. What I thought was love, apparently wasn't. When I fell in love with bf, we were friends, or rather, we were enemies. He destroyed my self-esteem, and called me ugly every day. He was a bully. For some strange reason, I hated him, but I loved him at the same time, and made it my life's goal to impress him, to make him like me, to please him, perhaps it was a subconscious attempt to rebuild my self-esteem. I discovered now, that for this reason, did I want his love; otherwise, he never treated me like a person when we were friends but an inferior to him. It was a sick sick love. Now I realize he is an obsession, a disease of the mind. He requires my constant attention and effort, and he gives back much less, and says he is busy studying. He wants me to be clingy 24/7, and he is controlling...i realized he loves the control, not me, although he is mostly very passionate and sweet with me. I noticed how he gets angry when I show signs of independence or strength, or of wanting privacy. He has my fb password but I cannot have his. I am in doubt whether his caring actions are a facade or not... I have been feeling trapped, and tied down, like a married woman, I have to ask his permission for everything, and he makes me cry when I text a male friend, and blames me if I don't cry in a fight because that apparently means I do not love him... I know this is an unhealthy relationship, and I do not wish to continue, but I know he will not compromise or change. His love for control and vulnerability is insatiable. I am very much attached to him and so is he, but I need to break up with him to find my identity, to rebuild a lot of things. Is my decision wise? Does he appear to love me sincerely? What can I say or do to make the break up easier for him?
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female
reader, Abella +, writes (16 February 2013):
 What you described is classic Abusive Domestic Violence Abuser.
Please see the model of the cycle of abuse I posted.
All abusers seem too good to be true at the start.
Controlling = abusive. And it will get worse.
An abuser does not have to be physically violent to be defined as an abuser.
And Abuser can also try to cut you off from family and friends.
They can be verablly abusive
Abusers have many ways to manipulate the person they are abusing.
It can also be the way they behave and even the way they give you a look of contempt.
Abusers express their need to belittle you in many many ways. That's why there are Domestic Hotlines to help abused partners to see the truth about what is Domestic Abuse.
"He has been sweet and nice to me when we started the relationship, although he is controlling..he was never violent with me, but i feel that he is manipulating me emotionally, and trying to put me down in sublimal ways..im not sure if he loves me as an object, or not."
A
female
reader, haribo158  +, writes (16 February 2013):
You say you don't wish to continue the relationship, then you need to do that, the problem with controlling relationships is their tricky end as he will ALWAYS have some trick up his sleeve to make you stay,
My advice? create an action plan for leaving, ie. think of every reason he could use, or even yourself could use for not leaving and plan an actual move to counter it, you need to be pro active.
My ex was the same, but i lived with him and earned a pittance, he always used this to make me stay, one day i secretly got some money together, found my own place, sneaking belongings out into the new place, you should have seen his face when i told him that i really was leaving.
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A
female
reader, Sylph +, writes (16 February 2013):
Sylph is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you very much, however i felt the need to clarify further. He has been sweet and nice to me when we started the relationship, although he is controlling..he was never violent with me, but i feel that he is manipulating me emotionally, and trying to put me down in sublimal ways..im not sure if he loves me as an object, or not.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (16 February 2013):
I also think it would help you to discover that the Abuse cycle will just get worse and worse over time.
There is help out there that you can access
HOTLINES - US National Domestic Violence Hotline
• MAIN NUMBER 1-800-799-7233
• New York 1-800-942-6906
• California 1-800-524-4765
The following explains the abuse cycle.
• http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cycle_of_abuse
And never allow yourself to be lulled into a false sense of security by what is the “honeymoon” stage of the abuse cycle. Because the abuse will return. Usually stronger each time,
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/the-honeymoon-stage-in-an-abusive-relationship-and.html
And abuser is so insecure and inadequate, that is why they need to control you. You need to get out of the relationship to break the cycle of abuse. Otherwise he will wear you down until you are destroyed. Any time your own safety starts to feel compromised in a relationship then you are at the five minutes to midnight stage of the relationship. Get out before it gets that bad. Because abusers do sometimes go on to kill their partner. The person they are abusing. If you are already Afraid of him you next some external support and counselling now – please see the help lines above.
Your abuser may seem “normal” to others, but behind closed doors you know how much and how often you suffer. And that is NEVER your fault. Despite the LIES from your abuser. You are not qualified to discover what things inside him are making him behave in such nasty ways, because he no doubt needs far more help that you are equipped to give him.
But for your own safety and your self esteem the best thing you can do is get advice on how to leave him safely. And how to get on-going support from professionals so that you can leave safely and not try to re-connect with him at any time in the future..
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (16 February 2013):
For the sake of your self esteem and your long term health you need to get some urgent counselling to help you negotiate the mine-field of leaving this abusive sick boyfriend.
He is an abusive bully and he will not be satisfied until he has destroyed you. Change your password to FB now, and don't bother to tell him. Ignore his ranting. Find out the nearest women's shelter to get away from him.
Once you get some counselling and the strength to leave him you will be surprised how much better you start to feel about everything.
You do not need to suffer this cruel controlling bully. He has far BIGGER problems than you could ever address, much less solve. He needs hours, perhaps even months of work with a dedicated therapist. He has some serious issues.
And YOU do deserve much better than this.
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A
female
reader, Sylph +, writes (16 February 2013):
Sylph is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAgony aunts, where are you when i need you? As you can see in my column, i take my time to answer several questions, i really need any kind of explanation or encouragement, please. Thank you
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