A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi, I really need some advice. I think I want to end it with my boyfriend of 2 months. I dont think we are right for each other. However, it breaks my heart as he is the sweetest creature in the world. I just think the only thing that brought us together was that we were both gay and go to the same school. I've been thinking about it for a few weeks and I feel awful.I was the one that asked him out and he instantly said yes which was adorable... but the trouble is I think, since being in the relationship, I have realised I need someone more dominant. My bf is not that person. I do everything in the relationship.The problem is how to end it without breaking his heart. What makes it all doubley worse is that I've been telling people who have asked me, up until recently, that I thought it was serious :/Plus it's his prom next week and I'm going as his date, making me feel even worse as I think he sees it as a big thing, although proms arent as serious in the UK as I think they are in the USA. I don't want to tell him I'm not going, however at the same time I dont want to string him along.Oh and not to mention he came out to his parents because of me.. as in his mum noticed he was always going out with me... and he had previously told her I was gay.He's just the most adorable person ever! But how do I explain that we aren't right for each other? :(Also to stir it all up, I met another guy a week ago, who I really really like. :/ We've spent the last few days talking to each other on msn. He's amazing... and he likes me too.Argh please help I'm very confuzzled :(
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 May 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionJust in case you cared, i broke up with him properly a couple of weeks ago for all the shit hes put me through and the way he treated me like trash :) and i feel liberated! haha
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 June 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionerm okay.... i know im a crazy heartbreaker :/
i havent stopped thinking about my bf since i ended it with him... like ive been not sleeping well and everything... i missed him like hell... and i realised that i am in love with him...
so when i went to his prom... at the afterparty i told him all this when we were alone... when i said that i loved him my voice cracked :( and i nearly burst into tears... but it was okay because he said that he forgave me... and that he loved me too...
i just told the other guy and hes dismayed... but he says he understands...
so i wanted to say sorry to k_c100 for wasting your time :/
but me and my boyfriend are even stronger than before now.
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A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (28 June 2011):
 Glad it all went ok for you and good luck with your new guy!
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionjust wanted to let you know that i ended it with my boyfriend on saturday :) it went really well and he seemed to understand the reason. I'm still going to his prom i think, but just as a friend, so it even had a happy ending :)
the other guy is out of the country for a week atm but we are going shopping together when he gets back and are still talking on msn :)
thankyou k_c100 you've been a great help! 3
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A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (24 June 2011):
Glad I can help!
Any break up is a shock, even when a relationship goes bad often people are in denial that there is nothing wrong, so the break up would still be a shock.
I know you are only trying to protect him and you dont want to hurt a nice person, but believe me, you are hurting him more by staying with him when you dont see any future with him.
Think of it this way - you are going to be freeing him so he can go off and find someone that really loves him and is perfect for him, you will actually be doing him a favour by breaking up with him. I know it is hard to think that way, and your boyfriend certainly wont think that way for a while - but it is the truth. At the moment you are only with him for the sake of it, you have met someone else and you dont really have strong feelings for your boyfriend. Whereas there will be a guy out there who can love your boyfriend with all of his heart, someone perfect for him that will think the world of him - letting him go will mean that he is closer to finding his Mr Right.
It is not a bad reflection on you that he is not your Mr Right, you have tried and it isnt working for you, there is no shame in that but you need to let him go so you can both go on to be happy again in the future. If you are not compatible then thats a perfectly valid reason for breaking up, yes it might be a bit of a surprise to your boyfriend to hear that but you are only being honest and you cant stay with someone when you are not truly compatible.
He will be hurt, he will be shocked, he might cry and he might get angry - but that is the nature of breaking up unfortunately. Breaking up isnt easy, even for the person doing the breaking up - it is actually harder for you as the person that is ending the relationship because of course you care about your boyfriend and you dont want to see him hurting, and knowing that you are about to hurt someone you care about is very difficult to deal with.
But as I said before, if you keep in mind at all times that you will be freeing him to find a guy who he is truly compatible with, then that should give it a more positive spin and you might find it easier to deal with.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 June 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI know, I know :( i havent said or suggested anything "naughty" to the other guy and yes he does know i have a boyfriend.And youre right if i waited till after his exams... i would wait till after prom.... and if i waited till after prom i would wait till after pride london... and if i waited till after that, then i would wait till after my hols and so on :/But also i'm good at hiding things... and I don't think my boyfriend has a clue that i'm thinking about splitting with him... what if its just a shock to him?and thanks for your answers btw you're a very helpful person :)
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female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (24 June 2011):
Sounds like you are making excuses to delay breaking up with him!
Its up to you what you do next - but there is never a good time to break up with him. If you wait for his exams to finish, then you will end up going to the prom with him, then after that something else will come along......there will never be the 'right' time to do it, it will always hurt him and mess up something.
But with any luck, he is a sensible guy and he will have revised well for his exams, so he can carry on with them regardless of how he feels emotionally. It might even help that he has something to distract him away from the pain of the break up.
But if you cant do it yet, and want to wait - then stop talking to the other guy. Have you told this other guy you have a boyfriend? It is all going to get very messy if you are not careful, so if you want to wait to break up with your boyfriend then stop talking to the other guy until you really are single. Alternatively, do the right thing and break up with your boyfriend now, then you can carry on talking to the new guy. But it is not fair on either of them to be playing with them both, talking to them at the same time, promising to break up with your boyfriend but then delaying it all the time....it would turn into fully blown cheating and affairs, and that is not fair on anyone.
So make your choice - you cant put off breaking up with him and keep talking to the other guy, it is one or the other I'm afraid.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 June 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionjust wanted to add that he hasnt finished his exams yet... i dont want to ruin those for him...
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A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (24 June 2011):
You need to tell him now before it gets any closer to his prom, dragging it out longer will only make things worse.
Breaking up with someone is never easy, and there is no good way to say it - all you can do is be honest, do it face to face if possible and do it as soon as you can.
You have said here that he is not dominant, you feel like you do everything in the relationship and you simply are not right for each other - just tell him that. It is the truth and fully explains why you are breaking up with him. One of the worst things you can do is give a really ambigous reason like "oh its just not working anymore" or "I dont feel the same anymore" - if you say something like that he will never get closure and always wonder what went wrong.
Whereas if you are honest and have strong reasons, of course it will still hurt him but at least he will have closure and wont be left wondering what he did wrong.
One thing you shouldnt say though - dont mention the other guy, you are not leaving him for another man so it is not worth mentioning it as it will hurt him more. You are just chatting to a guy online at the moment, it is nothing serious so it is not worth mentioning.
Doing it face to face is the most respectful way of breaking up with someone, over the phone or via email/text is cowardly. So if you can, arrange to meet up somewhere neutral and not in a place that has happy memories for you - he will probably remember location you choose as the place that X broke up with me, so dont pick anywhere too nice otherwise it will ruin it for him.
Be prepared that you will break his heart, that it will hurt him, there might be tears, anger etc.....but ultimately you are doing the right thing and it is better for him in the long run. There is no such thing as a pain free break-up, but if you keep stringing him along and continue talking to another guy, that is far worse than a quick and simple break up now. Keep that in mind at all times that this is best, and he will be happier without you in the long run and you should be fine.
I hope this helps and good luck!
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