A
male
age
36-40,
*hwan
writes:I have been with my girlfriend for 3 years now. I still love her to death but she has become someone I am not in love with. For starters, she is bi-polar. She has drastic mood swings and constantly argues. I am a very laid back guy and can easily let things go. I'll admit, we argue a lot and I know its not always her fault but she can go off at any time and she will. Many valuable items of mine have gotten broken over the years (my guitars, souvenirs from trips with my family, clothes...) We both grew up in Michigan and that is where I met her and moved in with her later. Recently I was accepted to college in Florida and moved there. She followed and is living with me down here now. Today, she decided to pick a fight with me over unfolded clothes. It quickly got out of hand and she smashed my nice T.V. and had a tantrum. Since we have been down here her mood swings have been getting worse and worse. My family will not accept having her around and completely despise her. Now, after everything that I have let go, I cant take it anymore. I really love her but I cant bare watching all of my valuable items to be destroyed including my emotions. She has a hard time listening, or rather, no time listening so I cant tell her how I feel. I just dont want to be with her anymore but if I kick her out, she would have no where to go. Even with as mad as I am right now, I cant just let her figure it out without anything or anywhere to go. My name is the only name on the lease so I dont think I even have to give her 30 days. I want her out now because I am afraid to have her around my things and I am certain I no longer want to continue a relationship. How do I get her out and moving on? Secondly, can I do with without seeming like a bad guy because I really dont think I am?
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female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (26 December 2008):
 I think you should tell her that in order for her to stay with you she has to get herself under control. She needs medication and she cannot remain in your house without it. A doctor can work with her in adjusting the dosage but you must be firm on this. If she still refuses then I think you will have to turn her over to her family and let them deal with her. It is for her own well-being after all. Tough love.
A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (24 December 2008):
 I guess that the first stage in all this is to get her to accept that she needs the medication. That it is the first step towards recovering her own life. It's not something she will do to please you or others, but to help herself be the person she can be. It seems that you will need to play this role, as the family isn't helping.
Wish you the best.
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A
male
reader, Shwan +, writes (23 December 2008):
Shwan is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank You all for the good advice you have given, and the one person who didnt. To answer some further questions... Yes she has been diagnosed by a doctor as bi-polar but unfortunately refuses to seek further treatment. As far as her family goes, her parents are not the best parents. I mean, yes they are always there for her, but a lot of times put her through more grief. They abused her growing up and continue to be very very aggressive people. I know her disorder and temper is not her fault. I know she is a good person at heart, but, just like all of you said, I dont want to wonder what is going to set her off next. She was getting help and meds for a brief moment when we were together and she was a great person but the meds really messed with her other body systems and now she uses that experience as an excuse to avoid any meds. She also had another outburst last night after I had wrote my question, which led to the police being called by me. They too saw the signs and took her to a mental heath ward for the night but I found out today, they can not do anything because again, she refuses treatment. With no help from her family or mine, I feel like I am the only person who can help her but I have to help myself first and she is breaking me down too much. Feel free to add replies again now that you have more info, and thank you all who added advice already. I really appreciate everything from all of you. I will try to keep you all posted as to what is going on with the situation.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 December 2008): Treat her as a normal human being. Many people have bi-polar and are not violent aggressive people many people without bi polar are violent, it is unfair and damaging to attatch this to the condition.
Just tell her it's over as you are incompatible, ask her to leave, wish her well and break contact.
Good luck
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (23 December 2008):
Is she being treated for her disorder? Was it diagnosed by a doctor?
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A
male
reader, passionatelynumb +, writes (23 December 2008):
 Hey MarieClaire, Go easy on this guy! Its not like he's married to her.
This girl is making him miserable and you are making him feel guilty for wanting a normal life.
So basically because she's mentally ill, she's allowed to scream at him, manipulate him, and basically destory anything of his that she wants without conscequence. And he's not even allowed to complain about it?
That's RIDICULOUS! If she came into your home, threw a trantrum and smashed everything you had; it would be completely unacceptable! You would RAISE HELL and have her institionalized.
But since this man loves her, he's just supposed to take it on the nose and submit to her every whim?
I don't think so.
Shwan, I don't doubt that you love this girl very much, but you are very young and have so much of your life ahead of you. You don't want to go through this the rest of your life.
Be kind to her. Make sure she is okay, but you don't need to stay with her out of guilt.
DanielePew gave you a great answer. There is nothing wrong with breaking up with her after all you have been through. Just be sensitive to her and her family's situation and bow out of this relationship gracefully.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew +, writes (23 December 2008):
This is a very good question, and a very difficult one. I will try to do my best.
She's not bipolar by choice. I understand this is a mood disorder, not something people do because they want to. No one chooses to go bipolar. She is difficult to be with, for sure, but it's not her fault. Please bear that in mind.
I also understand that bipolar syndrome is treatable. I will quote Medicine Net (http://www.medicinenet.com/bipolar_disorder/article.htm).
"Fortunately, bipolar disorder is a treatable condition. With appropriate treatment, most people suffering from bipolar disorder can achieve substantial stabilization of their mood swings and are able to lead a normal life"
It seems that, with the right treatment, she could be the person you fell in love with. Or close to that.
On the other hand, I also understand what you're saying. I met someone who has this disorder, and mismanaged cases are difficult as you cannot imagine. Again, let's quote Medicine Net:
"it is important to understand that bipolar disorder is a long-term illness that currently has no cure".
"Like other serious illnesses, bipolar disorder is also hard on spouses, family members, friends, and employers."
"Family members of someone with bipolar disorder often have to cope with the person's serious behavioral problems, such as wild spending sprees during mania or extreme withdrawal from others during depression, and the lasting consequences of these behaviors."
I think that maybe you're not the right person to help her through this stage. You're too young to do that. That said, you can't just tell her to go out and leave her to her own devices. Your breaking up with her would have a very serious effect on her disorder. You can't just kick her out of your home. She's hurting, too, very much, and she needs help. If a break-up is serious on people without this disorder, imagine what would happen if you are already prone to depression and suicide.
You need to talk to her family and see how you can put her under professional care so she can improve. You should also help her with her disease. Maybe there is no possibility of sustaining the relationship, but you need to remember that she didn't wish for this. Staying in touch, and helping her through as much as possible would be the right thing to do for someone you loved.
I remember that once I saw a similar situation depicted on TV. This young woman would sleep with many a man, but never got serious with anyone. The reason was, her husband had become schizophrenic and lived in a mental institution. But he was still her husband, and she would go there every week to see him and check he had all he needed. Maybe you can't sustain the relationship, but your being there for her once in a while could help her cope with her disease and perhaps keep it at bay.
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