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female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: My husband accidentally saw something on my phone that upset him…My husband’s a good guy, but has problems I did not know about until we were together for a long time.He suffers from social anxiety and has been (ab)using meds and alcohol to control it. He also suffers from depression and was diagnosed with possible ADHD a few years back. He is NEVER drunk or high, because he has only a glass of beer or wine to “take the edge off”. But the fact remains that he doesn’t drink because he likes wine. He uses it to self-medicate. Both he and I have been seeing different therapists for almost 10 years. I got lucky and managed to stumble upon a few really good ones. He had no such luck. His shrinks see him once a month for 15 minutes and renew his prescriptions.He suffered a lot, but so did our marriage. I was and still am always there for him, but after almost 20 years of taking care of everything (because he is unable to focus on anything but he’s work) and dealing with his problems, I am getting tired. And I feel guilty because of it.Yesterday he came home broken. There was an incident at work that triggered yet again his depression. For healthy people, it would probably be nothing. But for him it was the ended of the world. He said, but this time he meant it, that he would quit. The problem is, even my two jobs would not be able to keep us afloat for a long time and he has no idea of what he would do. He just knows that he can’t work with people (do you know of a job that doesn’t require even a minimum of contact with others?) and that he can’t work in an office (we live in a city). He has no profession (he’s not a plumber or an electrician…), he has a degree in sociology (what an irony) and works as a manager in a big firm. He’s cornered and he feels he needs to do something radical. We talked and made a pretty good plan of how he should resign (immediately but respectfully), but when he woke up he threw everything away and decided to burn the bridges (I’m cutting a long story short).So, back to my phone. I don’t hide anything. My phone doesn’t have a password and he rarely uses it to go on the internet. One could argue that I subconsciously wanted him to find the page I opened on my phone. Maybe, but I truly don’t think so… I know I wanted to read something about leaving a depressed, anxious spouse.He was calm but I know this made him sad, even though he himself thinks that it would be better for me if I left. I feel guilty about losing my patience and feeling angry (I never show this to him).The first thing they (try to) teach you as a spouse of a depressed person is to take care of yourself. But I have never managed to do it. Somehow he and his issues always come first. When he comes home from work I have to drop everything and be there for him. If I come home and he’s already there, I still need to take care of both him and the chores. He’s never up to talking to our lawyer, friends, or even his own family. I have tried to set some boundaries, but he would always have an emergency. Can you not send your tax returns when the deadline is today? Can you not go to buy groceries when your fridge is empty or not cook or not clean… ?I thought I could deal with being the only one who does anything around the house, but I started hating cooking and cleaning. But the thing that bugs me the most is, as some of you may know, that depression in men can manifest itself as aggression. So very often instead of being sad he yells, breaks things, he is constantly criticizing and negative about everything, except about his latest obsession that he believes will change his life and somehow “heal” him.I’m afraid that him quitting his job the way he wants to is just his latest obsession and that when he confronts the reality of finding a new job, he will become paralyzed. I feel terrible for what he found on my phone. I just do not know what to do… I apologized an tried to put things into context, but teh fact remains that I did look on how to leave him...Thank you all for your advice!
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female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (28 June 2019):
 OP, I asked someone close to me (with a couple of mental illnesses) what you should do and they agreed with me (and it seems others have the same suggestion): talk it out with your therapist to find the next move. It will either be accepting him as is for the rest of your lives or you leaving.
Perhaps this is the one time you put yourself first, even though it may seem cruel and painful. You have your own life to live and half-decent therapists will only prescribe medication and nothing else if the patient isn’t willing to allow therapy to help. Your husband is comfortable in the safety and familiarity of his struggles.
Thinking about things improving is a nice but terrifying thought for many because it feels like everything you know will change and not necessarily for the better. That doesn’t excuse his behaviour, though, and that’s why it’s probably better for your own happiness if you don’t stay in this marriage.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2019): There's really no way to put this delicately; but I must be honest with you. When is he ever in a good-mood?
Does it matter what he found on your phone? He was already in a foul-mood when he found it. He's not happy with his job, he's aggressive towards you, does nothing around the house; and years of therapy hasn't helped him. He's about to make a tremendous mistake that will hurt both of you financially. He cannot be trusted to make rational decisions.
When therapist resort to pill-pushing, as you've described it; it's usually because the patient is uncooperative, resistant, and/or belligerent! They prescribe whatever it takes to keep them from hurting themselves or others. He'll probably need antidepressants for the rest of his life.
His doctors can't really indiscriminately prescribe medication; because in the US, there are databases that monitor how much doctors prescribe painkillers, narcotic drugs, or opioids. They also track patients that are doctor-shopping for drugs. If they haven't yet caught-up with your husband or his doctors; it's just a matter of time!
I want to correct some comments made earlier in your post. Wine is an alcoholic beverage. You don't have to appear drunk to be drunk. If he abuses drugs, he IS high! That's what drug-abuse is! He probably doesn't take his medication according to prescription, and mixes them with wine. If his behavior is as erratic as you've describe it to be; he doesn't take them as prescribed. He takes them whenever the mood hits him, and in whatever dosage strikes his fancy.
He needed to see what you left on the phone. You did leave it for him to find it. You may as well admit it! Not that it will do any good. He's always depressed, and the marriage isn't a good one according to your post. It wasn't something anyone would want to find; but in my opinion, he needed to know how you really feel. If you can't come right-out and be honest; then somehow you've got to get the message across.
Mental-illness seems to attribute to most of his problems; but he obviously has some character-flaws aside from mental-health issues.
People in therapy for clinically-diagnosed mental-health disorders (sometimes a combination of afflictions) often getaway with atrocious behavior; because they play on sympathy and guilt. They will also manipulate with intimidation and temper-tantrums. Not all of it is due to their mental-health. Some people are just terrible people; and their mental-illness only makes them worse! They can disguise it, and put on a very impressive facade. Underneath they can be quite cunning and malicious. We assume it's all due to their disease. Oh no, not always! They're still human! Capable of good and evil!
You need to listen to what your therapists suggest that you do. A professional-opinion from a licensed-counselor or therapist would do you more good than random opinions from people who have never met either of you. What are your counselors advising you to do? Then that's what you should do!
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