A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Dear Cupid, I'm have just started a new relationship with a man who is going through a divorce. He is still young and has no children - he was only married for a few years before he realized it wasn't working - he has been separated for nearly a year. At first things were great but increasingly I have noticed that he seems less and less interested in me as a person - I feel as though I provide entertainment for him (company, sex) but he's not seeing me as a potential partner. I have tried talking to him about it but I don't want to scare him off - he is obviously in a fragile position right now and I don't want to push him into something before he is ready. But, at the same time, I feel as though he very seldom asks me questions about my life, my thoughts and feelings on issues. I think that I have led a pretty fascinating life and although people I meet may not find me attractive, they usually find me very interesting to talk to. This man seems to enjoy my company but often I feel myself screaming inside "just ask me something!, anything!". His work is extremely busy and he is constantly tired at the moment - I know this contributes to his lack of ability to interact with me. But I feel taken for granted. I often make the effort to go to his, I make the effort to listen to him talk about his life, I make the effort to be affectionate with him. How do I change this dynamic without scaring him away? I really care about him but don't feel that he's ready to care about me in the same way.
View related questions:
divorce Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 November 2009): Extra info: Sorry - I should also add that he does actually spend all his free time with me. The evenings when he is not working until 11 he is with me. Another potential problem is that I work abroad at times (we both do) and I may have to go away for a project in a few months. I had to tell him this just as things were getting really good between us and I feel as though that has effected the way he thinks about us even though I have said that I would like us to consider staying together even if I do go away (he agreed). I also do not have a job at the moment I think that this means that I do not have as much interesting news to contribute to the conversations although he says this is not a problem.
I have also been really badly hurt by someone else not so long ago and this has meant that I have been a bit paranoid about this relationship working out. He knows how I feel about being used and says he does like me but is worried about hurting me if this doesn't work out. Another thing to make me paranoid is my mother saying to me the other day that she doesn't think my boyfriend is interested in me other than for the short term - this just made me feel even more sure that I was being used and has caused me to get upset with him a few times. I tell him that I need more curiosity from him about me as a person - but I cannot share all my worries about the relationship because I don't want to get too heavy too soon. He is constantly apologizing for being tired when we meet. He seldom texts or emails me.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 November 2009): Extra info: Sorry - I should also add that he does actually spend all his free time with me. The evenings when he is not working until 11 he is with me. Another potential problem is that I work abroad at times (we both do) and I may have to go away for a project in a few months. I had to tell him this just as things were getting really good between us and I feel as though that has effected the way he thinks about us even though I have said that I would like us to consider staying together even if I do go away (he agreed). I also do not have a job at the moment I think that this means that I do not have as much interesting news to contribute to the conversations although he says this is not a problem. I have also been really badly hurt by someone else not so long ago and this has meant that I have been a bit paranoid about this relationship working out. He knows how I feel about being used and says he does like me but is worried about hurting me if this doesn't work out. Another thing to make me paranoid is my mother saying to me the other day that she doesn't think my boyfriend is interested in me other than for the short term - this just made me feel even more sure that I was being used and has caused me to get upset with him a few times. I tell him that I need more curiosity from him about me as a person - but I cannot share all my worries about the relationship because I don't want to get too heavy too soon. He is constantly apologizing for being tired when we meet. He seldom texts or emails me.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 November 2009): Thank you foxy_mama - that was useful advice - but you didn't finish the sentence - what do you think I should demand? Thanks :)
...............................
A
female
reader, Foxy_Mama  +, writes (12 November 2009):
I think you are absolutely right when you say that he is probably just not ready to care for you in that way right now. Going through a divorce, even if it is amicable and even if it is for the best is really hard. I too divorced after a 3 year marriage with a man I had no children with and still now find it painful to think about that period in my life. I don't think I was a good GF, and even friend during that time. I was depressed and needed almost 2 years to heal(In fact the first relationship after my divorce was a long distance one where we both had fun and breathing space. It was all I could bear at the time).I understand it must be really tough on you and extremely frustrating to deal with. And I'm not saying that you should put up with a situation that leaves you hurt and unhappy. But in my experience even the best catches need some time to heal and deal with their past before they can let in some one new. It doens't mean he doesn't like you or even that you are not meant to be. It just means he needs time.Having said that: you should demand that
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeygirl  +, writes (12 November 2009):
 This man obviously has a lot on his mind and all he wants from you is sex and physical company.. hes not asking questions because he probably doesnt want the relationship to become anything special until he has had time to sort out his life.
So basically, you are a friend with benefits.... your choice as to whether you are happy being like that or you want more... if you want more tell him what you want and if he cant or wont provide it... then close the door on this relationship.
...............................
|
