A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I need some advice from people who might be in a similar situation to me. I’m a 25 year old woman who has always had a very strained relationship with my mum, but which recently has become unbearable. I’ll try to only give the information which is relevant here but I’m sorry if it goes on a bit. It’s complicated and I really need people to understand the depth of what I’m saying. This isn't just a case of mother and daughter not getting on and locking horns. My mum has some sort of undiagnosed mental health problem and her behavior has become abusive to the point I am contemplating removing her from my life, or at very least sticking some serious distance between us - emotionally and physically. Understandably this is a big decision and thats why I need help.For as long far back as I can remember I have always been scared of my mum. I never had nightmares about monsters as a child but about my own mum. She’d fly in to fits of rage, smash up the house, become violent towards my dad and start making ridiculous threats such as she was going to kill herself to make us all sorry, burn the house down with everybody in it, and put me in a children's home. Growing up I assumed I was just a naughty child and that it was something I did that made her like this, but now as an adult I realize it wasn’t me but her. I grew up never really knowing what mood she was in and I can remember waking up on Saturday mornings and straining to hear if she was kicking off or not. If she was in a good mood, it meant the weekend might be nice. But if she was in a bad mood, it meant the whole weekend would be violent. She used to frequently leave for nights at a time, not telling me or my Dad where she was going - but always leaving threatening she was never coming back. Her outbursts have always been triggered by something seemingly small. This could be anything from misplacing an items to not getting her own way. My dad and I always took the full brunt of her behavior and she has always been able to turn it off in front of others. Most people who know my mum think she is this caring, kind and gentle woman but behind closed doors she’s anything but. My Dad tried repeatedly to get her to face up to her issues and go to a doctor, but never with any success. Eventually they divorced and mum remarried. I stayed close with my Dad and in a lot of ways he had my back. I could tell him what was happening and he believed me. When I tried to tell other family members, they simply didn’t. Unfortunately, he died a few years back and I was very much left alone in the abuse. My mums new relationship started out well enough and the abuse towards me almost completely subsided. I was at university at this point and only back in the holidays and occasional weekends so I had a massive break from it. She used to be nice to me when I was back, but almost to the point of over compensating. Part of me hoped she had finally stopped, but the other part felt deep down this was all just an act in front of her new partner.Two years ago I was proved right and the abuse started again. At first it was just the same as before - aggressive language, smashing things up, threatening to kill herself at the slightest thing but it has quickly snowballed. She spends her entire day in anger. It’s no longer fits of anger, just full blown constant screaming, shouting, swearing, threatening people and smashing objects. I’ve had to move home in the last couple months as experiencing financial difficulties and the torrent of abuse from her is non-stop. It almost feels as though she sets things up so that she can have an excuse to be angry. She’ll ask you to do something which is impossible to achieve and then she’ll blow up and start smashing up the house. an example would be asking me to order her something from the internet at gone midnight and demanding it for the next day. When I tell her this isn’t possible, she kicks off and says its my fault. I’ve become very aware of just how much of her behavior is also increasingly attention seeking. there are times she doesn’t know i’m home and she potters about quietly, but as soon as she realizes I’m in, will begin slamming doors and shouting. She constantly belittles me. Nothing I do is ever good enough. I don't mean in the sense of a mother wanting their child to do well, I mean in the sense that everything I do is wrong - whether it is or isn't. She calls me thick, she calls me a liar, she says he cant understand why anyone would ever want to be with me, she says I’m selfish. I am none of these things but she says them daily. She creates situations out of thin air and I have caught her repeatedly doing things and then blaming me for them. She’ll smash an object then say I did it. Or she’ll slam a door to the point it comes off its hinges, and then say its my stepdads or my fault because we made her angry with x y z. It’s never anyones fault but hers. She constantly credits her bad behavior to other peoples actions which is just ridiculous. Nobody controls her behavior but her. I used to believe it was a mental health issue but it concerns me how she seems to be capable of behaving one way in front of one group of people, and another towards my stepdad and I. Worrying recently she has started self medicating and drinking heavily. She has x y z ailments (all of which she refuses to tackle - for example her lack of energy due to her poor diet which is largely chocolate and crisps) and then she’ll take her frustration about this out on me. She tells lies about me to relatives (I’ve caught her doing this more than once but know there’s more) and attempts to control every aspect of my life from my job, to my relationship with my partner. I run 5 times a week and she's even gone as far as to say I only do this to make her look bad. I don’t need to do anything to make her look bad because she manages it all by herself and it is now at the point I want out. I’m in the process of moving out to be with my girlfriend but I fear that even when living somewhere else, the abuse from her wont stop. Even if it did stop again like it did when I was at university, I fear I no longer want anything to do with her. I am ashamed to be her daughter. I watch how she speaks to perfect strangers in shops and am embarrassed for her. A lot of her friends have stopped spending time with her - I suspect because they feel the way I do. She has become increasingly materialistic and judgemental towards everyone around her and I' m just done. As soon as I see I have a message from her, I feel anxious and panicked. Everything that comes out of her mouth is poisonous and violent in tone and I just don't want her sapping anymore joy out of my life. I listen to her constantly abuse my step dad and I have even reached out to him and said to him that deep down he knows this is wrong and that she is abusing us both but he just says theres nothing we can do. I feel very alone in this and feel I have no choice but to cut her out of my life. My girlfriend is the only other person who knows the full depth of how abusive my mother is and admittedly it was her mentioning to me that she recognized it as abuse which has made me all the more determined to cut her out my life.Has anyone out there ever done this? Has anyone else out there got a mother like mine? Once I move out how do I set boundaries? I dont want her in my girlfriend and mines home. I don’t want weekend trips to see her. I have tried repeatedly to reach out to her and suggest she get helps but she is in complete denial. She wont accept help. Sadly, after years of abuse, if i’m being completely honest, I don't feel any sort of love towards my mum. Its gone on too long. I don't wish to keep pushing her to get help. Please help. sorry for length.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 December 2014): Firstly I am sorry you are experiencing this. This may seem extreme but it isn't... I very strongly suggest you contact the police next time she kicks off. She may need to be sectioned under the mental health act. This does not mean someone will lock her up and throw away the key. It means she will be properly assessed and given the right diagnosis and treatment. A person is sectioned if they are a danger to themselves or others. Trashing things..threatening suicide and threatening others is not acceptable. You are hiding her very real mental health issues. It is time to reach out to people who are experts. Can you talk to your own GP for advice about her?If you really cannot do this or my advice is too extreme you may find the book 'Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers' helpful. I think it also has a website. However the fact she is now unable to 'contain' her mental health issues in public says things are ever more serious. Please know that this is not your fault and it is time to take action if she refuses to do so. You deserve a life.
A
female
reader, maverick494  +, writes (24 December 2014):
Here are some links that may be helpful:
- http://outofthefog.net/CommonBehaviors/EmotionalAbuse.html
It also has a support forum: http://outofthefog.net/forum/
- http://www.dailystrength.org/c/Physical-Emotional-Abuse/forum
- http://www.mdjunction.com/emotional-abuse
- http://www.socialanxietysupport.com/forum/
And I think you're going about this the right way. She seeks attention through her erratic behavior and if you give it to her, you're essentially rewarding her outburst. So staying silent and not giving her that seems good. It must be draining though. Wish you the best.
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A
female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (24 December 2014):
Having read through your entire post, I don't think there's anything you can do to help her. The only way for her to change is for her to acknowledge there's something wrong with her and if she hasn't gotten to that point yet I don't think she ever will, no matter what you do. Accept it's out of your hands.
I don't know if it's possible to enlist help from friends, but I think it's very important to move out again. This is not healthy for you and frankly I'm surprised you're functioning so well after all this. I think it's time to choose for yourself and cut toxic people out of your life and surround yourself with stable, loving ones instead. I'm a big fan of "found family" rather than family by blood, because blood, in the end, means nothing.
I don't have experience with your situation, but I helped my best friend, whose home situation was eerily similar to yours. She moved in with me until she had money to get her own place. She has a bit of contact with her mom, but the moment her mom starts demanding stuff again she just ends the phonecall. The way to draw boundaries is to have contact with your mom entirely on YOUR terms. You do not owe her anything; she's lucky if you'd want to talk to her at all after this.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 December 2014): Hello. I'm the OP.Thank you everyone for such in depth responses. I'm so pleased I was able to find others who know what this is like. There are so many things here that people have mentioned in their answers that I can relate to. To the responder who mentioned my mums own psychological state and background - I definitely agree. I have given a lot of thought recently as to why my mother behaves like this. I work in care and live by the mantra that all behaviours are communications. My mum does have low self esteem and she is probably very angry at the way her life has turned out. She has created this facade of everything being happy and glowy and the perfect family, but it is all just an act and a projection of perhaps what she wishes she had. Anything to do with me bettering myself (uni, reading, new job, happy stable relationship etc) sends her in to over drive. She spends her days just shopping in supermarkets buying more and more lavish things and then then something gores wrong or breaks, she flips out because to her she feels if everything around her is perfect then nobody from outside can ever guess what the reality is - that she has very low self esteem and is struggling with mental health. I look at her, and I do feel an element of sympathy. But by the same token that I work by the mantra that all behaviours are communications, I am also a great believer in everyone must take responsibility for their own actions. On more than one occasion she has made odd comments which would suggest she is aware her behaviour isn't normal. The help is there for her as it is for everyone - she just won't take the first step. Someone also mentioned that I would always be the villain no matter what. That's so very true. I can't win and acknowledging that and accepting that is important. sometimes I get angry at myself when I forget this. biologically, I guess we are always programmed to try and seek mothers approval. for the most part I manage not to go down this path because I know it's only going to result in me being hurt. But sometimes I slip up and ask for her approval for something because I'm only human. It'd be so much easier if I just accepted I'd never win and stopped seeking it out.Moving forward, I'm definitely giving some thought towards how I will put that boundary between us. Right now, I just have a stiff upper lip. I find solace in not reacting to her. She'll kick off and start smashing everything up and I just shut my door and get on with something else. I think about the life I'm going to have with my partner and smile. I'm so excited to be breaking free! To everyone who responded - does anyone know of any online support forums for people who have been victims of abuse? Coming back to my mother now after all these years and seeing her in the cold light of day has also enabled me to see issues in myself that I believe stem from my experiences with her. I can be quite an anxious person - always wondering if people are angry with me, always fearing getting too close to someone incase they just up and leave like she did so many times. My girlfriend has also noticed that when I cry I don't make a sound. I know how messed up that sounds and I feel again that is from years of not wanting to let my mum know how much she was destroying me. Thanks again,x
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 December 2014): Yeah my mother is like yours to a tee. I also do not know what is wrong with her as she never sought mental help. To her, she's fine, everyone else is the problem. She has no insight whatsoever at how inappropriate her behavior is. But easily finds flaws in everybody else.
She was so abusive. She would tell me nobody loves me. If I was too friendly, I'm a whore. If I'm being quiet and reserved, I'm dull. Everything is a putdown. Always using death or absence as a threat to always keep you on your toes and scared. Poison the well for me to others (so nobody would believe me if I tried to explain the horrors I went through). Her moods...oh jeez...never know what you're going to wake up to.
Every single thing you said about your mom, I went through with mine plus more. And like you, it wasn't until I was in my mid 20's, and had left for college, and made my own life, that I realized how screwed up she is.
I did, however, stay in touch with her. She was present at my graduation. And I still had a relationship with her. The last straw for me was when I was 28 years old and I had an issue that required me to stay with her temporarily (as you are now). She was horrid to me. I think having spent a decade away from her made her craziness stand out so much more. She would do things just to hurt me and it was suddenly so clear to me. At that point she lived in the middle of nowhere and she would never let me borrow her car. I think she got sadistic pleasure seeing me suffer. Watching me feel isolated.
One time I had gone into town, which was 20 miles away from her, for an interview. I asked her if she could pick me up, she said, no figure it out, take a bus or something. I was so hurt that she would say that, I pleaded with her. She said if I give her $500 she would. She hung up on me. It's not the type of area where there are buses and trains. So I went to my friends bar, sat with him, told him what happened. He said he would gladly take me home. But because he had to close the bar, he took me home at 4am. When I got home she was snoring, not even worried about me. Nothing.
I didn't show any reaction cause I knew that is what she wanted. She wasn't going to be that lucky. So I went about my business acting like I didn't care what had happened. That bothered her so much, she started taunting me and taunting me. For hours and hours I bit my tongue. Till finally I don't remember what she said but I spoke back to her. Probably told her to go fuck herself. In a fit of rage, (which is what she wanted all along) she started throwing things, then grabbed a coffee mug and broke it over my head. At first I thought I was sweating, but soon noticed blood gushing down my face. I ran out of the house and the gardener was outside, looked at me shocked. I said, "help me." He rushed me into his car and drove me to the hospital. I had to get several stitches. It was humiliating having to explain to the doctor that my own mother had done this. Upon observing the injury she said it was done with so much force that it was obvious the intention was to hurt me gravely and asked me if I wanted to press charges. I said no. She said, well then I'm sorry but I as my duties as a medic I have to press charges and file a report. And she did.
I never spoke to her again. It's been five years. She still calls and asks for forgiveness via texts. I've never responded. Like you, I don't love my mom. I want nothing to do with her. That's it, it's over.
The most troubling thing for me is explaining to people why I don't want to have a relationship with my mom. The fact that she nearly killed me is not something I like to bring up. People often have no understanding of why people like us feel the way we do. My solution is I stay away from people who don't understand. You are lucky you have a girlfriend who understands and is supportive.
I see nothing wrong with you cutting her out of your life for good. As you see, if its already that bad, it can always get worse. It's certainly not going to get better. If you want to set boundaries, I don't know what to suggest, because people like her don't understand boundaries. You'll always be a villain. If you let her in your home, you're a villain. If you don't, you're a villain. That's as good as its ever going to get with her.
My solution was I cut her out. And I don't regret it. To me, that was the only appropriate choice.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 December 2014): Hi There,I too have experienced a similar situation to yourself, I'm now 30, I didn't realise it wasn't my fault until I was 23/24, and didn't have the courage to do anything about until about 27/28 and I lived at home until 26. My dad left her and divorced at many years ago, my mum brainwashed me against a relationship with him for a long time, and him and I didn't become close until I was 23/24 - thats when I found someone to understand and accept what I was going through, she too had everyone convinced she was caring and generous and friendly, only my dad and I knew. Some of her siblings understood to a degree, but they would always advise me to try harder.I tried harder, until funnily enough my dads partner coached me into standing up to my mother, all of my treasured belongings were at her house, and I feared she was going destroy throw it all away, as she constantly threatened to, I managed to make a plan to collect all of these things, then I gave it to her straight. I had to take an uncle with me as I was really afraid of her reactions. I told her she can no longer treat me like this, she can not dictate to me anymore, and until she talks to me properly and acceptable, I will cut contact with her.She left me nasty threatening voicemails, which i recorded, as I too was almost going to request a restraining order as she threatened to come to my house and my job (luckily she didn't have an exact address of either) eventually the voicemails died down, and it went about 1.5 years with no contact, I had so much peace, no drama, but i still worried and missed her, and socially yes it was always awkward when my friends/boyfriend/bf's family enquired.I was just honest and kept my explanation simple, without too much justification. People would say ' but its your mum, how can you be so harsh' I would just have to be strong and say, I know whats best, its complicated'Eventually she started to leave voicemails again saying she missed me. Eventually i called her back one day, and only responded about once a month. If she ever shows trace of her old self, i slowed down the responses, and eventually we met for coffee in public. Then I visited her house briefly, and eventually introduced her to my bf. I now speak to her about once a week on the phone, and its been going so far so good.My boundaries have been set, and if she crosses them again, I will enforce the same treatment. All of this was very nerve wracking, but I am now so much happier and relaxed with life and our relationship.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 December 2014): Remove her from your life.I recently reengaged contact with my mother but things appear to be heading south again but im not afraid to remove her from my life, again. My mothers an ex drug addict and now for 10 plus years an alchoholic, i finally removed her from my life when she began an episode over who i let in my house (i moved out as soon as i legally could, she had not had me under her roof for 6-7 years by this point) and who i allowed near my children. She called the cops accusing me of being a drug dealer and beating my infant child. None of which was true, i completely removed her from my life and she occasionaly would try to reengage contact, but always in a drunken rage, then and now she won't come visit which im okay with anyways.Without ranting, both of my parents were abusive and i don't love either of them for the pain they caused me and my siblings. Neither of my parents are truely close to me and probably never will be, find family that is and forget these people who only cause you pain. My mother will admit to feeling bad sometimes but if i dont follow her wishes its the same thing all over. My father pretends it never happened, his new wife thinks we lived like kings haha!I hope you move out as soon as possible, you could try severing contact. Don't answer any messages, calls etc. Then maybe reengaging to see if she understands you wont endure it anymore? Good luck
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 December 2014): I am 46 with a 26 year old daughter. I can relate strongly to your post, although most of the abuse I received was psychological and emotional - but also sheer neglect. In my case, my mother also abused my elder sister who had a breakdown at 17 and, in a way that's difficult for others to understand, abused my younger sister but, weirdly, by convincing her that her elder daughters (me and my older sister) were monsters and that she, the youngest daughter, was a princess, a cinderella figure. My younger sister became totally like my mother as a result - the most manipulative person I have ever known, with a skill in seeming innocent all along. I grew up blaming myself for the way my Mum treated me and, for many years, blamed myself for not being a 'good enough' sister to my younger sister. It wasn't until I got a loving partner that I realised I had been a 'perfect' daughter and sister and that there simply was no pleasing either of them. My younger sister ignored my daughter from birth, never once sending her a birthday present, even when we were getting on - there was a sickness to this and the way that my mother condoned this as 'normal' behaviour. Our family was just a sick, highly dysfunctional and abusive one. I attempted suicide at 18 and was told, as soon as I got out of hospital and by my mother, that I was selfish - it's not so much how she said things but the venomous anger underlying what she said that would cut right through me. I married six months later and cut off from my family at 22, for about two years. After my Dad died, my mother's venom towards me - and my younger sisters - got worse and worse. My mother died and my sister's anger and abusiveness increased to terrible levels - she did unbelievable cruel things and even managed to convince the police that I'd been treating her badly, saying to me that it was only because she had asked them not to that they had not come and arrested me...really the situation became so absolutely bizarre and dangerous that I walked away, I haven't spoken to her in seven years now and wouldn't trust her an inch - and this I find tragic because I KNOW that my mother caused all of this. I remember my little sister young, innocent, loving and so close to me - my mother was so jealous that we could love one another as sisters that she steadily twisted my sister's mind, with the real tragedy being that my sister cannot and will not see the bigger picture and now HAS to believe that I'm evil or face confronting the truth, that my mother was a manipulative, deeply angry and abusive person.Sometimes, after lots of counselling, I am able to see that my mother, like countless other women of her generation, was trapped in a very male dominated world and had incredibly low self esteem underneath all her anger. She was a woman who had been so bright at school, despite living in a very poor area, that her teacher had made a special visit to her home to ask her father to allow her to stay on at school so that she could apply to university. as they were from a working class background, her father wouldn't let her do this and she was forced to go and work as a typist at the age of 14. She wasn't allowed her own mirror growing up and wasn't allowed to talk about her own feelings in any way, as this was deemed selfish. She never, ever talked to me about her inner feelings, not once. Only one time did she say to me "I've no feelings anymore, they've all been trashed over the years". And once, in a self mocking way, she told me how she had to wear stockings for her first day as a typist at 14 and sat on the edge of her bed and cried because she was used to wearing socks and felt confused. She immediately laughed and jeered at herself and this is what she did to me any time I cried - mocked me. One time, after I tried to reconcile with her after not speaking for about two years, I went to visit and was sitting in a chair opposite her, just reading with my head down. I looked up from my book and, for a split second, saw her look embarassed because she had been watching me, with love. It was the ONLY brief glimpse of love I ever had from her.I know that you will maybe not accept this and believe me, I really, honestly feel for you and the pain you have gone through BUT, I believe that when your mother remarried and was nice to you, she was genuinely trying to change. It sounds to me as if this was not an act, but a woman with incredibly low self esteem, frightened to show any intimate feelings to her own children, trying (awkwardly) to change things for the better and making a bad job of it. She's lost confidence in her ability to do that as time's gone on and fallen into hating herself as a result. She hates herself, without doubt.I do wonder what your mother's life was like growing up. And the lives of all the mothers who are abusive to their own children. It's a terrible shame; so often women have such unfulfilled lives and just aren't naturally suited to motherhood (my mum was definitely not) but have no other option and then, even if they want to, they can't summon up enough emotional maturity to do the right thing - often there's no example of this in their life and they have nothing to go on. In her own way, your Mum is suffering hugely from being a sensitive woman who cannot show intimacy without fearing bad consequences - her behaviour is so highly defensive that it's working, she's driving everyone away.But for you, the right thing to do is to cut off when you cannot take anymore - you should not have to and I don't write the things about your Mum to try to make you reconcile with her, only to try to help you to see that none of it is your fault. She doesn't have the means to take responsibility for her own emotions and, by staying in her life in this way, all you are doing is enabling the situation to continue. But if you do cut off, I'd say make one final attempt to explain to her, as calmly as you can, why you are doing so and make clear to her that, if she gets help and starts to change, there is a possibility of reconciliation. I've no doubt she will see this as you trying to bully or control her, but at least the message is there and when she is alone she may well remember it and finally begin to act on it. Low self esteem really is at the bottom of this, although you may find that hard to believe.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 December 2014): My mother was forever undermining me as a person and as a parent. I am a good parent. She would lie to me and only later did I discover even more lies. Finally I sought counselling about my wish to break all contact with my mother. I felt guilty about this step but my confidence had reached a low ebb and nothing I said made her change. If anything she was getting worse every year.The Best thing I ever did was to take a restraining order out against my mother. I filed a complaint. That matter went to court. I attended Court and so did my mother. I answered every question the Magistrate asked me. My mother constantly argued with the Magistrate and told him how to do his job better. I was granted the restraining order. Yet my mother breached it and every time she did I had no hesitation in reporting her to the Police. I really have no thoughts about her any more. Her abuse was horrible. Physical emotional and financial. Her constant parade of boyfriends who would arrive unannounced and she would shoo us out of the room because the boyfriend had arrive. She has been abusive to me. She has tried to undermine me at work. She has told lies to the neighbors and relatives. Some of the nasty things my mother said to me would break some people but I chose to be strong and build my life up to what it is now.You have yourself to think about and your children. Put them first. your mother has forfeited the right to ruin your life. She certainly contributes nothing positive.Do not feel guilty and do not feel ashamed at breaking with your mother. Some people are so mean and nasty that they are simply not equipped to be good mothers. you cannot have a positive relationship with someone who abuses and belittles you at every opportunity It is not good for your children to see you so abused.
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A
female
reader, boo22 +, writes (23 December 2014):
 Hi there,Even though its 2 in the morning, i feel compelled to write you a few lines.Im a 48 year old woman who's had no contact with my mum now for about 4 years. Its such an awkward situation, not just for me emotionally, but socially as well.To tell people you have no contact with mum, is probably still something of a social taboo. I feel people judge me sometimes because of it, and its just too long and painful a story to justify.Some women are just not cut out to be mothers. The normal bonds between mother and daughter are lost in my mums own issues I think my mum is terribly disappointed in the way her life turned out, and because she is so totally self absorbed then i must suffer because i remind her of my father ( her husband ) who drank himself to death by the time i was 11, probably to get away from her, although i couldnt understand what was going on at the time.To cut a long story short, after years and years of banging my head against a brick wall over and over and always feeling miserable and rejected, i just stopped trying and she hasnt contacted me.She is 86 now and i feel sad that we will never have a solution before she dies. Having said that i am far happier and content for having no contact because seeing her made me feel very bad.Its such a shame, but dont feel guilty. Protect yourself and just hope she sees the light, but dont hold your breath.Good luck x
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