A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:How do I get over my self consciousness of my body . I'm nkt overweight but after having children things are not the same . There are sags and scars . I look around at the mens mags and online stuff that exes have enjoyed and see that I'm about as far from what men want physically in a woman as possible. Sure there might be .00001 percent of men who actually like what I have ( sagging old body that has clearly carried babies and is aging ) but the odds of me ever finding them are next to nothing. I have given up in total sadness as men's standards on women's looks seem incredibly high I have become completely withdrawn and depressed. How do I dig myself out of this hole
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (19 May 2015):
 Where would be the problem in that , even if it was just as you say ?...
If we want to reduce it all to a beauty contest- then we'd be even,because definitely average Joe too ( or even cute ,attractive Joe ) would be MY second choice
( or 3td, 4th, 10th ... ) after Jude Law or Ashton Kutcher or other more visually appealing gentlemen ! But , it's not ONLY a beauty contest and other factors generally come into play in the choice of a partner.
If you are saying, OP, that you can't STAND the thought of not being considered the most beautiful woman on the whole planet, or the most perfect lookwise,.... then that's a problem regardless of pornstars .
Let's say somehow we eliminate all porn actresses, we just erase them from the face of Universe . And after them, we also erase actresses, top models, exotic dancers , and anybody for whom looking good is a professional requirement and a way to earn a living.
They are all outlawed and they do not exist anymore.
Would that change things so terribly much ? ... Are you saying that a partnered guy has literally only eyes for you, and is not capable anymore to notice if a woman is younger / older / fatter / slimmer / taller / shorter than another ?
He could be surrounded by tons of regular, average , imperfect girls - as any man generally is, - and still among these regular , flawed girls there could be one that's OBJECTIVELY a tad less flawed than you : a neighbour or colleague or your own sister.
Would you authomatically conclude that if he is with you ir's ONLY because he could not get the slightly less flawed one ,that he must be masturbating to her pic or mental image, - and that, IF he is doing that, that means something more and different than taking care of a physiological impulse ?
If you reduce any human relationship to a beauty pageant- then you do not need to particularly fear porn stars as competitors- because you'd still have competitors anyway.
Only, most of the times, it's not only a beauty pageant ( and , believe it or not, that goes ALSO for uncommitted, casual, recreational escapades ).
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2015): Why are many average women not single ? That's obvious, the average guy couldn't get a porn star looking woman and there's not enough of them to go around so they SETTLE for what they can get ... Average women This doesn't make it wonderful or mean they are choosing us! It means we are second choice In terms of women wanting high earners . When's the last time you saw women's Masterbating over the possiblily of having a high earner everyday, and many men being hurt by it and asking why, whilst society makes excuses?
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (17 May 2015):
Who cares what men " want ".
Women prefer well heeled professionals who can provide them with a fully staffed, comfortable house, an elegant designer wardrobe and exotic vacations every year- have you ever met any man taking up a demanding second job just in order to give a woman the extras she would prefer to have ??.... Have you ever met any man , in fact, feeling guilty for not being able to provide the best she could ideally aspire to ?!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2015): If men only wanted perfect bodies then why aren't 80% of women single. There are many many more women who are average and overweight in very happy relationships with equally non perfect men. You are confused with a marketed image and reality. Look around you. I see many middke aged hapoy couples holding hands and enjoying each other.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2015): No we cant control our bodies from aging and breasts sagging after babies and whether you admit it or not that is what men like best and want ... Young and pre baby bodies . Full stop
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2015): I repeat what I have said so many times before here, that we men are first attracted to how a woman's face looks.If we like the the face that is 90% complete, only 10% remains for the other features, and for the face to be attractive you don't have to have perfect features. All you need to know is what makeup and hair style suits you best.Remember you can control your body looks by exercising and keeping thin.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2015): I agree that there are many men like you describe , fat pasty and unattractive . The difference seems to be that even men like this have extremely high expectations of women's bodies and appearance
The standards set for men and women are simply not the same
Men can get away with a multitude of sins whilst women go
Look like goddesses are idolised by men and they have obscenely unrealistic expectations regardless of how they look
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2015): Hi thereI've read a post like this one already today and what amazes me is we seem to think that all men out there are perfect. Look around! What do you see? Badly dressed, flabby, pasty and unattractive men and they are probably half your age and haven't had kids. There are lots of gorgeous men out there I hasten to add, but the majority of mankind, both men and women are flawed! What's attractive is kindness, happiness, smiling eyes, a sense of fun. Would you find that attractive in a man? Even if he was flawed? Or would he have to be perfect before you looked at him? Come on, stop beating yourself up. Life is short. We only get one. People are too focused on their own shortcomings to notice those in other people. Find things that make YOU happy. That makes everyone attractive. Helping others?
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (16 May 2015):
 Well, aging is natural, nothing you can do to stop it.
Comparing yourself to women half your age and whom have been airbrushed is NOT helping you either.
Having kids change you. Emotionally and physically. Again, it's natural, not much you can do.
YOU need to accept that you are not 20. Neither is your body.
If here are thing you are unhappy with (body wise) then start working on those, but with the realization that even getting fit and trim will NOT make you look 20. BUT it will make you feel better.
Why focus on what MEN wants? Or rather what you THINK men wants. I'm sure most men would want a 20's something GF/Wife for the looks but I also think that men are not so stupid as to think they will have that from age 20 to their grave. THEY age too. And no... not all men age gracefully. Some do, like some women, others definitely don't.
Even IF you dated a guy who told you he loved your body, you wouldn't believe it, because you are so hooked on the idea that we ALL have to live up to some ridiculous standard.
BE who you are, find a way to be happy with WHO you are, focus on the good stuff (I'm sure you have plenty of those), join groups that do activities like hiking, cooking, travelling. People who MORE focused on GOOD company than some physical beauty standard.
What you are doing is beating yourself up over something you CAN NOT change. You can't turn back time, you can't look like an airbrushed 16-20 year old - 99% of us women... can't and we don't.
Love the skin you are in, treat it well, treat yourself well. And SCREW what others think you should look like, because it's not going to happen.
There is no magical fix here. Just a adjustment to how you see yourself. No man can fix that either. ONLY you can.
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