A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Dear All,I am in a relationship for a year and it goes really well and we are still in love. Of course little arguments happens time to time at the end everything comes to a good sweet end. So I might say things go pretty fine and well. By the way we are both 24 years old gay couple already living alone and staying on our feet pretty well.However there is a thing I NEED TO CONSULT to you people as I see the advices here are pretty solid and good...The ex boyfriend of my boyfriend having troubles getting over my boyfriend and time to time he tries to contact and try his ways to be in contact although my boyfriend also cut his contact with him.Yesterday was birthday of my boyfriend and today he got a card from the ex (by delivery not personally) with a romantic content and last words "I miss you". I mean its been a year and he is still kind of trying...This started to make me feel bad and I believe doing such things he neither respect me nor our relationship with my boyfriend. If it was a friendly happy birthday card with wishes, It would not disturb me at all but such a romantic thing disturbs me a lot.My boyfriend finds it also strange but also not taking a serious act against this. He talked with the ex ones about us and our relationship and that everything ended between them but still a year after such things are happening. I seriously want to talk to this dude kindly, not being angry or aggressive, a kind sympathetic message that but also gives a signal that he should stop this and go his own way. But my boyfriend does not want that.Without disrespecting my boyfriend and making things go worse how can I react and move about this situation? I feel disrespect to our relationship and to me. It also started to annoy me a lot that this guy is like a ghost around us.Please please help me...Thank you all in advance for your ideas and help... Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2015): It's up to your boyfriend to cutoff all contact. He can refuse unwanted correspondence and it's up to him to confront his ex about being a wedge in your relationship.
I think your boyfriend is flattered by being in-between two men; and knowing his ex can't get over him. Otherwise he would show more effort toward putting the old relationship to rest. They aren't even friends; so his passive attitude about it sends the message back that he's okay with it. You're not, and shouldn't be.
Commitment means you are true to one person; and your relationship is exclusive. He has to give his ex closure by setting boundaries, and requiring that his ex show you and his new relationship the respect that it deserves. He is also responsible for earning and maintaining your trust. Therefore; he has the responsibility to extinguish old flames and let his ex deal with moving-on without pestering your relationship.
You also have to firmly let your boyfriend know that you expect him to handle it seriously; in order to justify your trust, and to show YOU his respect for your feelings. Just passively letting it happen, to me is an indication that he doesn't want it to stop. He owes his ex nothing. He owes you his true commitment, or you should consider how solid it really is.
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465  +, writes (16 May 2015):
 I always disdain to see this: ".... Of course little arguments happens time to time..." because that is so much B/S. Mature, loving couples DON't have to have "... little arguments (from) time to time..."
Mature, loving couples DON'T have these little spats... and they get on without (the rest of what you wrote)....
Good luck....
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (16 May 2015):
 Your boyfriend told you not to contact his ex because it's not needed. The ex would not succeed in getting him back. If your boyfriend is not over him then no matter what you do to interfere it won't help. He thinks it's better to wait for him to give up then to stir up trouble. However if you live separately there is no need for you to know about the birthday card. Maybe he let you see it so there is honesty and he's not hiding anything. You can tell him if the ex is dead to him, there is no need to bring him up in the conversation. All it did was create insecurity and the fear that if he tried hard enough he would get him back. You have to trust that the effort is one sided from the ex, and your boyfriend ignored it all the time. It doesn't hurt to ask for reassurance that it's the truth and you have nothing to worry about.
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