A
female
age
41-50,
*ant2beoverit
writes:I recently had a few sexual experiences with a Dr at our hospital, I am a nurse. We don't talk a lot, although he is pretty flirty when I see him he is still hard to read outside of work, also I told him in the beginning I only wanted "friends with benefits" so that may have ruined any relationship potential. We agreed on being secretive about our business. He is gone for the next 3 months, after he left I found out he has been sleeping with another nurse, and when she asked him about me he told her about us hooking up. She told several other people, and now my business will shortly be across the hospital. So of course I was upset! I asked him about it in text tonight, he didn't deny it and got defensive. I told him I was upset because he let out our secret, (and I'm VERY upset about him sleeping with someone at the same time since we didn't use a condom but I didn't tell him that). So after him being a jerk about it, I told him just not to contact me again outside of work and he said Fine. I then saw a little while ago that he blocked me on facebook LOL. I mean seriously? He is a jerk, I get it. I was used and I'm an idiot, got that loud and clear. But my question is, how in the heck do handle being around him when he comes back? I will see him all the time, and I need to be professional but I feel played and I would like to punch him in the face. Do I avoid areas he is at? Do I keep going around him but not talk much? If I am around him, its at lunch with several of my girlfriends... Do I censor what I say about current relationships, etc? And do I deny it to other people? One nurse already know its true, the one that asked me about it. Thx for any advice
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 October 2010): You thought you were OK or his only FWB because you didnt use condoms? Sorry, but that's pretty naiive. Maybe I'm stupid, but when you TELL someone you are only FWB, you should know what the ground rules are...don't expect to be exclusive, and don't ask questions. That's not always the case, but typically, it is.
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (7 October 2010):
 I think it's really that she's pissed he was bedding someone else at the same time he was doing her. Hell hath no fury....
And Nurse Betty your only choice is to maintain your composure until this fades into ancient history. Oh and stop blabbing to coworkers about your sex life, that's a no duh.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 October 2010): Just read the follow up by the person posting the question!
Still maintaining this MAN is a Jerk...for lying (allegedly) and claiming that she is an ADULT, then proceeds to have casual sex without responsibility for HERSELF, but relies on an exchange of words with a casual sex partner,( what is she 12) this is the behaviour of inexperienced teenagers, who perhaps dont know any better, but a 30-35 year old health professional should KNOW better, and IF she has casual sex, then she ensures she provides condoms and insists on using them, regardless of what is said.
Again I'm amazed at someone supposedly well informed on such issues, would even consider having sex without protection, EVEN IF this doctor were not having sex with anyone but her. Please, if people have casual sex, they are likely to have have had casual sex before, and MAY take another sexual partner in addition to the current sex provider. Words, words, words, YOU have to take responsibility for yourself!
She has behaved in an irresponsible manner, and wants to PUT ALL THE BLAME on this GUY. Ride the tigers back and invariably you fall off.
IF a question is posted containing background details, or information that may affect an outcome, or how the situation could have been avoided, the wider picture, the poster of the question has to accept that OTHER advice/opinions may come into play, as with this question, they may NOT like.
Personally I think it's the doctor who needs to be watchful around this young woman, a real LUCKY ESCAPE FOR HIM!
If SHE had acted like an ADULT and insisted on condoms, then regardless of what he had done, she would be in the clear, morally, physically and socially, but hey she didn't, so she thinks she can blame this guy, and call him a Jerk..
Get over it...Grow up!!
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A
female
reader, want2beoverit +, writes (7 October 2010):
want2beoverit is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHe is a jerk not because he is with someone else, but because he LIED to me about it and promised that he and I didn't have to use condoms because he wasn't being sexual with anyone. I can be upset about that without wanting more, don't assume I want a commitment when I clearly stated that all I wanted was a FWB, a SAFE one.
I'm not going to take the blame of a grown man lying like a teenager. We are adults and should be able to make the decision to not use condoms, and we talked clearly about telling each other if we became involved with someone else. Which he did not, I just learned.
My question is not about sexual health. It is also not about my decision to have a FWB. My question was how I should act when I'm forced to be around him, now that we have had this falling out about him lying... And I asked questions that were only answered by one person (thanks by the way).
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 October 2010): I agree with the other aunts about the friends with benefits scenario...now....the best thing for you to do in order to save face, is simply act like it doesn't bother you. If you run into him, be polite, say hello, but keep it at that.
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A
male
reader, Beingblack  +, writes (7 October 2010):
 Hold your horses a moment. Why is he suddenly gone from being good enough to be your 'no strings' sex buddy to being a jerk? Same man, same face, same casual attitude to sex as you. But now he's a jerk because he was also seeing someone else, and he blabbed to her?
I'm from an era where sex without a condom meant at worst an unwanted pregnancy or an itch. These days it can mean far worse, and someone in your position should know better. You cant place the blame for any health fears on him alone. Also, I am not even sure what 'friends with benefits' really entails. I guess it means sex whenever you both want it, and no commitment. So why are you surprised and angry that he is seeing someone else? That sounds like you want some form of exclusivity or commitment to me ....
Your work situation is only a problem if you make it one. The only people who really know if you and him were FWB's are you and him. Surely you are mature enough not to listen or react to hearsay or the gossip merchants. Go about your day as normal. I cant believe for one minute that anyone else in the world is so concerned about your sex life that they will come and ask you about it. And if they did, I would simply smile sweetly and say that your sex life is fantastic, hows yours. If your girlfriends know it's true, its because you confirmed it. If you are embarrassed about what you did, I'm afraid to say that you will have to face your shame.
Casual relationships are exactly that, casual. You cant blame him, hit him, belittle him or try to avoid him, without making yourself look a little foolish.
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (7 October 2010):
 I agree with "dear jilly" you're not the abused here!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 October 2010): Woo..who's using who here!
You're a nurse, and you have sex without using a condom???? Especially as you so clearly demonstrated from the OFF - you only wanted to USE HIM for sex. I do not see any using from him at all - Guys get this label all the time, and although female, I strongly feel if a female sees sex as such unimportant step, that she can copulate without needing or wanting any emotional connection - then HOW is the guy using her, to me it seems she PUT HERSELF out there as a commodity for such a purpose.
YES..I say it as it is, direct, factual, and not in the least biased against guys. It takes two, and as you say, you told him " I told him in the beginning I only wanted "friends with benefits" So you really have forfeited any right to be annoyed with him.
Ok, he was is NOW sleeping with another nurse, and in all probability the reason he told this nurse about your dalliance, is because as you didn't USE any protection, then I'm afraid she has EVERY right to know, as this is how sexually transmitted diseases are passed. It's MORE likely if people who have SEX just casually, for the sake of it, and DON'T take precautions, are statistically at a higher RISK of STD's. This is common sense. May be she wanted to know what his sexual history was like ( very sensible, if he sleeps with women only for sex, and does not take precautions) I would want to know too.
If you feel sex without any relationship is fine, acceptable, why would you be so upset, if you're that relaxed about sex, it could prove a benefit for you in a profession where there are many males.
But, you say you're upset he's slept with this other Nurse, albeit at the same time - that is what you signed up, that is what FWB's means.
As for saying you would like to punch him in the face..and how do you handle the situation..and that you cannot get over you that you feel played..is unbelievable!!
I would say just be as professional as you can be, and as he is away for a while, I'm sure you won't remain the TOPIC of conversation, or rumours for long, there will be someone else just waiting to step into those shoes for you. And may be next time think about if you really want sex without any relationship, as I'm sure if you continue like this, eventually guys will sense it, and although may jump on the band wagon for a while, they will ultimately avoid you.
Lastly always use a condom..you know it makes sense!
Jilly
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 October 2010): I don't understand your reponse?? You asked for the FWB relationship, why would you be upset when he had other FWB's from the same hospital? Certainly convenient for him. I do feel for you as far as the cat being out of the bag. The other female must have wanted more from the relationship, got jealous and is out to get you. Stay clear of both as best as you can. I would say "is none of your business" sweetly of course. Do not be angry at the asking. People are gossips and love to spread it around.
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