A
female
 ,
anonymous
writes:Many years ago I divorced the husband of my children. For years he cheated as he travelled with his job and he gave me an STD twice. He was jealous and possesive and played mind games. I eventually filed for divorce and from the day he received the papers he told me I was dead if I went through with it and started to beat me up regularly to change my mindAfter I got the divorce he was following me and calling me up in the early hours until I got a guy to have a word and left the area. Problem is I moved close by recently to be near my aging parents and have found this ex still single and acting like a long lost friend. It seems he has blamed it all on me denying he ever beat me and telling all he loved me still. I cannot leave the area again cos of my parents. He has convinced my family he's virtually a saint and made friends with all my old friends. He has never moved on he has stuck with my old circle and is still able to frighten me and mentally abuse. How do I deal with this when I need to stay here, I rarely go out or socialise as I dont need the hassle or the looks and comments? I am getting seriously depressed
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depressed, divorce, jealous, my ex, std Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 May 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for the advice offered re the caring I will look into everything, I certainly haven't or wouldn't ever ask my ex for help with my parents. I dont want to be in his vicinity for my own sake and if he continues to be a real problem. I will go to the police.
thank you
A
female
reader, Abella  +, writes (9 May 2011):
 well he did beat you, he did give you a STD, twice! And he did try psychological and physical abuse. Plus stalking. And he will try again.
You know he did all those things. So does he. But he prefers to still hide behind lies. Let him know he is Not welcome anywhere where you are.
Before you start looking after your parents get the legalities to first discuss with your parents. They must understand that caring for them is a BIG undertaking.
But you need legal protection so no one can come in later and claim you did the wrong thing.
Get them to speak to their lawyers so that what is required is full explained and fully understood.
You run the risk of others criticizing you later, when what you did was exactly what your parents asked for.
If your parents can comprehend the need to have things in place (which may never be needed) it will ensure you can keep things safe, settled and clear with no ambiguity.
If your parents later lose 'capacity' which is about their ability to make rational decisions, then you may have to make decisions IN their BEST interests on behalf of your parents. To do so you need a Legal Authority to do so. Such a document is called 'an Enduring Power of Guardian'.
It will allow you to properly care for them and have the authority to do so. If they later lose 'capacity' it will be too late to initiate this document.
The Citizens Advice Bureau can give you good assistance on this document too.
Your ex has tried to character assasinate you behind your back. Plus he has high-jacked your former friends.
Your Ex is NOT a very nice guy.
It is best that you exclude your ex from your life in every way possible.
You will need to put a support network in place. Because caring for your relatives is time consuming and exhausting. And emotionally draining.
Don't under any circumstances ask for help from your Ex, as he will use it as an opportunity to undermine you.
And no matter what support he offers refuse it.
Instead build your own support network. Find out if there is a carers association in the area. Find out what on-line resources can support you.
The next bit will be very very difficult. But you must make 'me' time for yourself once a week. In the early part of caring you may be able to safely leave them to their own devices all day once a week. When their needs increase to the highest level at home then it may only be three hours a week. But you must have that time off, just for you. Plus you may need to investigate what support services are available for you to use to help with the caring role. And you must get that time off every week.
Otherwise your own health could suffer and you will face 'burnt out syndrone'. Something you do not want.
It is sad, but if your 'friends' from the past want to believe your ex, then they are no longer on your 'team.' sad, but some friends are not meant to be 'forever'
If you can try to join a gym as the exercise will make you feel good and keep you fit. But as the needs of your parents increase you may have to cultivate the 'Art of selfishness' just to survive. going to the gym may be impossible if you become time poor, as the caring needs increase.
Being a carer is the complete opposite of being selfish. But there are times when you must remember your needs, or else
the caring role will consume you and spit you out a broken wreck. You cannot afford to let that happen. So keep your priorities focused on 'is this good for ?' that ? = you.
Say hello to the neighbors and your friends from the past. Be pleasant. But if they start to defend your ex, then you will need to be firm. Remind them that they are talking about the past. And you have moved on.
The caring role IS so very demanding. Take advantage of all the local services and agencies that can make it easier to be a carer.
Get brochures and support from the Citizen's Advice Bureau in your area.
If you make something for a meal make extra and then freeze single person portions in snap-lock bags, labelled and dated. It means if you make the basis for a shepherd's pie you can also make the same as the basis for something nice on on toast maybe with just the addition of some finely chopped fresh tomato, heat it through until the tomato is well integrated into the meat sauce.
Don't try to wear yourself out cooking complicated things. Make simple meals that contain things your parents love.
It is not your fault your ex has been stuck in a rut for years, trying to justify his actions and his existence. Don't make 'his' problem 'your' problem.
Because you do not have time for 'people poisoners' nor for 'sabotaging' individuals like your ex.
Give your attention and support to people who refuse to judge you. And to
People who support you.
Support people whose actions suggest they are 'on the same page' as you.
As your parents needs increase look at products and innovations and services that make it easier for the carer while also being more supportive for the elderly persons.
I will give you an example. As elderly people (older than 90 and in poor health) become more frail, then hair washing becomes a big drama. It does not have to be like that. A USA brand called 'confident care' produces a shower cap that one puts in the microwave, then on the head of the person. A 30 second head massage. And the hair is washed, conditioned and cleaned in 30 seconds. I even tried one, once. And my hair felt great. Thirty seconds, and they can sit fully clothed in a chair, and their hair is washed. It is less stressful for the elderly person and less stressful for the carer.
There are many more examples of things that can make life easier for the elderly persons and for you.
Reach out for support every time you need it. Give, but not so often that you feel emotionally crushed by the tasks. Have the strength to stand up to anyone who disrespects you. And be just as strong with anyone who tries to take advantage of your parents. Be gentle but firm with one or both parents if they try to put a 'guilt trip' on you, because as your parents become more frail they may want to take up more of your time. Don't do things for them that they can do themselves. Such as brushing their own teeth.
If you qualify for 'temporary respite care' where the care for your parents is outside their home, or for day therapy centres for elderly people, then try to encourage your parents to consider it. They will have good social activities, and mix with others in their age group.
I hope your parents are able to take advantage of such activities.
And such regular breaks will keep you more centred. And allow you to be a better more energised carer.
Anyone who has NEVER been a full time carer may think I am exaggerating or over stressing the need to take regular breaks. Whereas anyone who has been a carer for five or more years may be able to understand why I suggest such breaks for carers are essential.
Stand up to your ex. He will never be the man for you.
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A
male
reader, the_phoenic +, writes (9 May 2011):
warn him that if he didnt leave you,your friends,or your parents that you well simply tell the police about him and that you well get him to court
as simple as that
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