A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hello there,I have this male friend in class. He liked me from the very beginning. Sweet guy but tries too hard to impress, is shallow in his approach to falling in love (may be due to lack of experience). I know for a fact he's smitten from attraction. I'm however looking for a man who finds me as an equal companion not a guy who is almost my fan, adoring and praising me. i do appreciate the nice things he tells me or does for me and his genuine compliments. Don't get me wrong, it's not that I like jerks who would play hard to get either. I want someone who respects and loves himself while also recognizing my positives and occasionally compliments me. I have made it clear a lot of times that we are just friends. Since he is a sweet person and a decent guy who shares some similarity in terms of culture and background too and because we have a group of friends and he truly looks out for me, I have been friends with him. I've however kept boundaries and never allowed him to take too much space even though he tries hard. He insists on dropping me but I have a travel buddy from college. Only when she's not around do I get on his bike, again because he insists. He tries to make me not go with her and I made it clear that I want to go with her. He keeps trying to pay for me and I keep my wallet ready or sometimes pay for him instead to even out. But most of the times he forces the shop keeper or food court guy to take from him. Now since we hang around for lunch together I'm unable to avoid the situation as such. I have bluntly told him that all this won't do and I dislike him paying often. But he's adamant despite knowing it does not please, but annoys me. Although I respect his intention of being nice to me I feel most of the times that he's forcing himself on me. while I want his gestures to be limited to only when I ask for help or I'm in need of it. Now I feel as though he's forcing himself to be used by me and I'm not that type of person at all. Moreover, I think he is living in a bubble hoping to make me "love" him some day even though I've established a lot of times to him that we are just friends. He's also very emotional about our friendship and makes me a very important high priority person in life and keeps saying it all the time, while I'm more aloof, independent and like my space. In fact my friendship with anyone is very casual and secure (not clingy). I will be there for the person when they need my help. However I have my goal based priorities and don't waste my time. He behaves like a bored teenager who keeps wanting to talk and hangout with me all the time. It's great to have fun but that isn't my priority at all. For eg, when I was studying for exam he saw me from his exam hall which was 4 floors above. He saw me at the corridor and came down just to say hi when the exam was going to start in 5 minutes. And after I said hi and went back to reading he would hang about trying to have a convo. i've seen him doing something similar to a male professor too. The prof is friendly, does not mean you get over friendly with him. I could clearly see he was busy and wrapping up for the day but this guy wants to prolong a conversation that just ended into a highly informal chat. I have been friendly with profs too but maintained the distance and respect a student should. Now my question is, how do I deal with this guy? Am I doing the right thing by being grateful for his friendship, maintaining it. Should I allow him to visit my home etc. and give access to my personal life or keep a distance? I really detest anyone forcing their love on me to the point of invading my space. I'm honestly scared to let him meet my family or know my exact house location because he might turn up as and when he likes or get close to my folks.
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female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (5 January 2019):
 Wow! Absolutely DON'T let him meet your family or know where you live.
It is not really fair to keep him as a "friend" when you two have such obviously different agendas for your relationship. You see him as a friend, he sees you as a potential partner/lover/wife.
How do you think he is going to react when you meet someone suitable and start dating?
You need to distance yourself from him. That means no more going out socially, no more accepting lifts, no more communication. Tell him it is not a good idea for you to stay friends as he has expectations you cannot fulfill.
A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (5 January 2019):
 So far you've been doing everything right. You seem like a mature, level headed young lady. Good for you OP!
Now as regards the guy, you've made yourself clear but he's not getting the message so you need to make yourself a little more clear. Tell him straightway that he's coming on too strong and he needs to back off. Which means no more hanging out, no more eating out with him, and don't allow him to give you a ride on his bike. Even though you have the right intentions and are not leading him on but by doing all of the above, as Uncle Wise Owle said, it will seem to him that you're toying with him. It's like her words say no but her gestures say yes. You have to understand that not everyone thinks like you and this guy certainly doesn't. So remember, no means no, in every way.
This obviously means that there should be no personal communication with him, no access to your life or family. What you must do though is to tell your family... parents, siblings... about this guy so that they know what's going on. In the world of today you can never be too safe.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (4 January 2019):
 I think you need to back away. Ge isn't respecting your boundaries and you REALLY don't put your foot down enough when he pulls out his wallet.
He isn't your friend, he is a guy who is TRYING to court you. To win you over. And EVERY time you spend time alone with him, it gives him hope that down the line you WILL like him back..
So simple start cutting down the amount of time you spend with him. Don't be alone with him and REFUSE to accept anything he pays for. Pay your own way.
And you are NOT being "nice" by stringing him along. whether it's intentional from your end or not.
This is not a friendship.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2019): Okay, you have been very articulate about your stance and how you feel about this situation with us. How about expressing it to him in the same words?
Establish with him that you have no romantic-interest in him; then put distance between you. Stop going places with him that offer him the opportunity to pull-out his wallet. Stop spending one-on-one time with him. Tell the server you insist on paying your own bill. Ask for separate checks.
Humble yourself a little, and stop trying to demonstrate to him how much you don't need him; and how high your standards are. You're coming-off as conceited and toying with his emotions. He thinks your friendship is an opening. So it has to be closed.
You have to be direct with pushy men. You tell them you feel as if they are pushing themselves on you; and it makes you uncomfortable. If it doesn't stop; then you no longer wish to keep company with them. Then you go no contact. If he comes up to you, ask him to please leave you alone; and don't engage him in conversation. Walk-away! Ask him not to follow you.
The biggest mistake some women make with men is thinking they can dictate how he behaves or somehow conduct his actions. Not determined or willful men. Thinking he will simply comply; because she places him in the "friend-zone." News flash, he doesn't have to accept that. If not, then you cut him loose!!! You don't always get to keep people on your own terms. They have a mind and a will of their own!
You say you don't want his attention; but there seems to be more than necessary time spent around him. Why would you give someone more access to your life that you claim to be forcing themselves on you? You're nearly 30, and you should have some judgement and sense of discernment. You know when men are pushing the envelope.
Your post is filled with contradiction and inconsistency. You seem to always be within constant contact with this guy. Guys given the cold-shoulder and ignored start to realize your disinterest. If he persists, then a firm and no-nonsense request to back-off and leave you alone normally works. Don't toy with the thought he "loves" you.
We can't help who the heart chooses to fall for. However, if you're the unwilling recipient of an infatuation; you nip it at the bud! You cut-off the pursuit! It's not flattering, and it's an act of aggressive behavior to persist; when you're constantly being turned down. This isn't a mutual courtship, at least that's what you have conveyed in your post. So end it!
If you sense obsessive-behavior or a potential stalking situation; make it absolutely clear you dislike it, and suggest he no longer bother you. Stop basking in the attention and leading it on; then pretending to fight it off. It sends crossed-signals; and that can be potentially dangerous. He may seem nice, but it isn't nice to force yourself on people. Infatuation can be dangerous, if the person is unstable. He's nice, but he has to respect when you say "no!"
Sometimes you have to be more assertive and put your foot down. It may not be pleasant; but when people force themselves on you, they are testing you. Let them know you want them to back-off. Let them know, in no uncertain terms, you do not appreciate being cornered or pursued against your will. Tell him that there is no possibility of a romantic-situation; but if friendship isn't enough, you cannot be friends. If you're enjoying this, you're enabling the unwanted behavior. You don't get to dictate to people how they must feel.
Don't appear flattered. Forget about seeming rude; you're dealing with a pushy individual who is going out of his way to try and make something happen that won't. That takes being unpleasant. You must be firm, and friendship is not what he has in-mind. So stop toying with him. Yes, it is toying with a person when you know they want you; but you allow it to continue by making yourself available. Just pushing them away and then giving-in, sends mixed-signals. You won't be taken seriously. You talk about how strong you are! You still want the attention. You can't have it, there are strings attached!
Trying to appear nice while rejecting a persistent male-pursuer just won't cut it. He will continue trying. You've tried to be considerate of his feelings; but it isn't working. Now get serious.
Use that strength and power you brag about; and cut him loose. He's taking advantage of the accessibility you allow him; and confusing your friendliness for attraction. He doesn't love you, he is attracted or obsessed. Thinking it's love is stretching it. It also comes across as conceited. You're not irresistible. No one is!
Some people like knowing someone is infatuated with them, and might let it appeal to their vanity. Letting it play-out too long can lead to dire consequences. You may have to end this friendship; because he wants more from you, than you want from him.
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