A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have severe trust issues due to an absolutely HORRIBLE 5 year real-life relationship that I got out of 4 months ago. 2 months ago I met this man on xbox while playing a game and we hit off instantly. The connection we share is unlike anything I've ever experienced. We've talked every single day, we text each other throughout the days and we have our own "date" time where we get on xbox at 10pm every night and play together. We also talk to each other on the phone every other night until we're ready to fall asleep. We've also exchanged numerous pics/videos. He's shared things about his life that he wanted to be upfront about and up until this point I've trusted him. I've not sensed any type of dishonesty and he seems to back up everything he says.We've expressed having feelings for one another and have talked about meeting. We're not IN a relationship, however we've both agreed to be exclusive as of right now since we're planning to meet. Our rules are we don't exchange numbers/hook up with anyone or do anything of the sort while we have this "thing" going on between us. Here's the problem, I'm extremely jealous, suspicious and looking for signs that something is going on behind my back. He isn't aware of this.Everytime he plays with another female on xbox, alone, I get increasingly jealous and start to wonder if he's getting her number and doing the same shit with her. I get angry and tend to distance myself from him, then he says he can tell something is going on with me and I just tell him I'm tired or not very talkative at the moment. He was online earlier playing with a female, for an hour, some game he downloaded JUST so they could play together. He has my name in his xbox profile, and me his, and he acts VERY much like he's into me. He constantly texts, calls, sets time aside just for me and him but I can't shake these negative feelings.I know these issues are a result of my last relationship. It was the WORST relationship I've ever had in my entire life. He lied about EVERYTHING. He was always sneaking around and I never knew where he was or what he was doing. That relationship brought out negative things in me I never had prior. I wasn't allowed to talk to anyone of the opposite sex, he would get jealous and pissed off at me if I did and suddenly curse me out and "break up" with me, or push me away by becoming angry/silent, the same way I'm doing with this guy for NO real reason whatsoever, except what's in my head . The way he treated ME is how I'm now behaving with THIS guy, even though I've never been like this in past relationships. I feel like my last relationship changed me, for the worst. :(Anyway, how do I deal with these negative emotions while engaging in a possible relationship with this new guy? How do I make myself believe he isn't doing the same things with everyone else that he is with me? How do I let go and trust him? One minute I feel okay and fully trust him then the next minute I see him playing a game with some chick, I get instantly pissed off thinking he's swapping numbers and texting HER just like he does with me. I'm sitting here right now pissed off at him for playing the game with some female, wondering what he "could be" talking about with her while they're playing alone. He doesn't know I'm pissed off because we haven't spoken in about 3 hours since our good morning texts to one another. I realize how stupid and immature this sounds, but I get enraged and contemplate deleting/blocking him from my life just to save my sanity. Just to keep from feeling this jealousy and insecurity. He has done NOTHING wrong, at all. He's always been very respectful and caring to me so I know this is MY issue. He says he trusts me and has asked me not to do anything to change that, while that's GREAT news, for HIM... I can't trust him and the things he says to me so easily. :(
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 July 2015): You are right to be cautious. It's too soon to completely trust. If you are committed, there is no reason for him to be playing games with other women. I believe that the person you love should inspire a total feeling of trust. It otherwise is of no use. As you, I also had a HORRIBLE relationship. He no doubt was a womanizer and had to frequently be in the company of other women. When I asked if I didn't inspire him or love me enough to be with just me, his answer was no yet he still wanted the relationship. All I can say is for you to be careful and not fall into something that will be hard to get out of because of any feelings that may be involved. Good luck dear.
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (2 July 2015):
 What I would suggest is that you stay cautious.
He COULD be talking to ALL the other women he plays Xbox with, JUST like he talks to you, you really don't know him THAT well... YET. After all THAT is how you met him.
BUT hold back on the internal overactive imagination that is born out of distrust for someone QUITE different - namely your ex. Like olderthandirt put it, whatever the ex did... "This new guy is not responsible for that."
Don't hold on to some "standard" of distrust because SOMEONE else was a liar. That was then, this is now.
This IS your insecurities, and he is NOT responsible for constantly reassure you that he is who he says he is and that he is faithful to you.
You can not expect him to stop talking to other gamers (be they male or female) because YOU are insecure.
Go slow with this guy. It's EASY to get caught up in the euphoria of meeting someone online that you feel SO connected to, but be aware that some of those feeling might be someone "fantasy". Met up (I do suggest you don't have sex for a good while) specially since there IS NO real commitment - saying you are exclusive, IS NOT equal to commitment.
When you spend time with him (face to face) talk about things you like, share in common, hopes, dreams, boundaries, expectations - DO NOT go into in depth monologues of OH my EX was so ... ya-da ya-da - it's TRITE to hear about an ex. Your rime together should be about you two - not some ex who is no longer in your life.
BUT of you find it TOO hard to DO this long distance (whatever it is) then don't. Be honest with yourself and him - don't let your imagination make him out to be a bad guy if he hasn't done anything bad.
Nobody wants to be lied to, used or misled. NOBODY.
Nobody wants to get hurt, but NOT living your life or living your life in FEAR of things that may or may not happen.
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A
female
reader, Kendle  +, writes (2 July 2015):
 Please don't let your past relationship spoil your new one. It's caused you enough hurt without letting it continue to ruin things for you. I do think it's good that at least you acknowledge you are being unreasonable and that your new guy isn't doing anything wrong. That must mean you are somewhere towards getting past this. In my relationships with jealous partners in the past, they've not been able to see that it's unreasonable to check my phone, tell me what to wear etc. My view when it comes to relationships is that I don't stop my partner doing anything as I don't want them to be faithful to me just because they don't have the opportunity to cheat. I want them to be faithful DESPITE having the opportunity. If they cheat then I don't want to be with them anyway. Some people call me naive as I even let my last boyfriend go on holiday with his ex as they had booked the holiday before they broke up but had remained friends and were actually housemates. Personally though, I don't think relationships should take anything away from your life, they should only add to it and we stayed together for another 4 years after that and had a great relationship. Just try and remember that you didn't like it when your last boyfriend controlled you because of his jealousy so your new guy won't appreciate that treatment from you either. I think people who are jealous are often insecure and so maybe work on building up other areas of your life to get your confidence back. Go out with friends, take up new hobbies, make your life as interesting and eventful as possible. Be independent and use your busy life to distract you from jealous or suspicious thoughts. You don't want to rely on anyone for your happiness and you don't want to let jealousy and suspicion make you miserable either.
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (2 July 2015):
 OK, I get it you've been burned. This new guy is not responsible for that. He needs room to make his own set of unforced errors. just keep your gaurd up but try to put the past in the rier view mirror and let the new guy mess up all by himself. All us guys do in some way or another it seems.
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