A
female
age
36-40,
*ateKyleen
writes:Short and Sweet: How do I not let his guilt trips get to me, and how to get him to move on?Backstory: I was with my ex for 1.5 years, and it was great for the most part. Certain traits I didn't care for, and vice versa, but it worked. No plans for marriage, and whenever it was brought up by others, he was quick to say no. Fastforward, he ends up cheating on me with a previous ex. It was heartbreaking, and I immediately ended things (when I found out 5 weeks later...through a text).I didn't and don't hate him for what he did, but with it having been such a serious relationship (living together, I should say), it's been difficult. I'm standing firm with my decision, and I explained my reasons as to why I wasn't going to take him back in a letter. However, he wants for us to get back together. It's been a few months and he continues to text (once a week or so), even stop over and try to talk to me. And what he says just makes me feel so horrible. I think I could handle hanging out as friends, but I think it would be a bad decision 'cause he doesn't seem to be letting up. I'm to the point where I'm worried he's going to go suicidal, or something else equally as irresponsible. I understand that his hurt feelings are the result of his own actions, but it's still so heartbreaking...and it makes it difficult for me to move on and be happy.So, I seek advice as to ... how to deal with these guilt trips. I just don't know, and I hate feeling like this. And I want nothing more than for him to move on and find a woman that's better suited for him. Any and all advice are welcome. Thanks so much in advance.
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female
reader, myboyfriendsacnt  +, writes (10 May 2013):
I'm not going to offer advice here but just wanted to say that you are so strong for walking & really are an inspiration.
A
male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (10 May 2013):
 I can emphasize on how you must be feeling about that. I know on many levels you know you are done, but at the same time you have some residual feelings for him. It is hard to completely let go of someone -- especially as close of a bond you once shared.
Here are some solutions:
1) Don't give him the satisfaction of knowing you are concerned about him. He'll play that to the max and use it against you. Tell him in no uncertain terms to quit talking to you and that it is over and it is easiest for everyone to just sever the cord. Change your phone number, block his texts, don't open his letters, block him on social media... you know the drill. Sadly it needs to be done.
2) You aren't responsible for his well-being. He is a big boy and he made his bed -- he's got to learn to sleep in it. He ruined a good thing and its his fault. You have every right to end to the relationship and sometimes there is just no going back when too much hurt and pain has flown under the proverbial bridge.
If he continues to stop by your house and you've asked him to stop, you may want to contact your local law enforcement to set up a restraining order. Sometimes a quick talking to by the police will fix his random visits. Also, you don't have to open the door for him when he comes over.
Ultimately, you are going to have to be strong on this one. His guilt trips are only effective if you buy into them. You don't owe him anything and don't let him ruin the "now" you are currently living in.
Eddie
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 May 2013): I only wish more people who wrote to this site were as sensible when someone cheated on them...
However, I'd say the reason it still hurts so much is because you haven't completely ended things. You still read his texts. It seems you still talk to him if he comes to your home. If he's that persistent, I think it might be worth blocking his phone number, ask "who's there?" before you open your door, automatically reroute his emails so you never see them, and make the separation between you two complete.
As it stands you keep entertaining his emotions and drama and you don't give yourself any head space to get over your past with him and move on with your life.
You're worried about him being suicidal? Personally, I think he's just trying to illicit a reaction from you and I while I'm sure he's upset, I doubt he's suicidal. My personal take on suicide is that it is the ultimate self determining choice, it cannot and will never be your fault if he decides to harm himself or end his life, it really is his choice alone. If he suggests otherwise, he's being manipulative and a pathetic coward. Sorry if I sound judgmental, but nothing infuriates me more than someone who tries to convince you that somehow their life is in your hands in some way, especially when they are trying to seek compassion.
As far as I can see you've been very compassionate. You've given him a rational explanation and you've been calm and level headed about it. He doesn't deserve any more from you.
How to deal with the guilt trips?
Don't entertain them and tie up the loose ends of this break up.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 May 2013): His ego got bruised and that is why he is pursuing you right now. I think the simple fact that he was so adamant that he didn't want to marry you after 1.5 years together indicates his true feelings. Him cheating on you was the final action that pointed to how he truly felt about this relationship.You absolutely did the right thing - I'm very impressed with how strong you are and how you will not let some guy disrespect you. He probably wasn't expecting you to be so strong. He obviously didn't tell you about the cheating right away and thought he could get away from it.YOu should feel no guilt at all. After all, you did nothing wrong! You're giving him too much power. You tell him over the phone exactly how you feel - that he needs to stay away from you and that you will never take him back. Then, change your phone number. You need to cut contact inorder to stop his manipulation and find someone who you are better suited with.You're amazing, be strong and keep away from this guy! He sounds alittle crazed!
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