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age
41-50,
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writes: i have recently found myself attracted to white men and not only am i a black woman i live in the bible belt of the united states....tennessee. I have no idea how this happened...i am not saying i am not atrracted to other fellow black men ..it is just i am an engineer and i am around them the whole day at work.i dont have the courage to approach any of them and i am not sure if a white man can like me. i guess i dont have the confidence. I mean i look nothing like a white girl...i am 5 5 and weigh 145lbs...i know i am not fat but i have a big butt. what do i do....should i pursue this interest..should i let it pass...and if i pursue it ...how do i do it?i would especially like reponses from black women and white men all over the world..but everyone is invited....confused.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 May 2013): Hi there,
I'm a black british woman who grew up in Africa. I'll agree with the other responses, don't make race a factor. It's one of millions of attributes like any other.
All my boyfriends to date have been white (not necessarily because I have actively pursued interracial relationships) and they've ALL said they LOVE my butt.
What I did do was follow my interests and hobbies and thus came into contact with like-minded people where I was most likely to meet someone who I clicked with. When you're in your element talking about / doing something you're passionate about you will always be very confident and that is when your personality shines through the most. For that reason, you're most interesting / attractive when you're engaged in a particular topic or activity that you are interested in.
I would advise you to take up a few interests (if you don't have them already) and SHARE them. Talk about them with your work colleagues. Find out what they like, ask for recommendations on hobbies/ books / sports / films / cars. Anything. They are brilliant conversation starters and they are fantastic at showing off your personality. They are also really good at identifying like minded people who you can then have banter with or flirt with. You open yourself up to knowing people on a personal level and that is the basis for any solid relationship.
To give you a personal example, I enjoy public speaking and I joined a local debating society where I met my current partner. After pleasant chit chat we discovered he is natively French - I got all excited and bubbly because I've always wanted to become fluent in the language. I immediately became even more cute and attractive to him than every other woman in the room because I was now not only a beautiful woman but I was a beautiful confident woman with a shared interest. He offered to help me become fluent so we arranged to meet up for coffee as acquaintances and well, the rest is history ;-) A few years down the line and we're now looking to get engaged! Race was not on either of our 'list of qualities in a partner' but we've since decided we like being a vanilla and chocolate mix.
The only race specific advice I'd give you is to be yourself.
By that I mean be really open so that when your work colleagues look at you, they don't see 'a black person' - they see your specific personality and qualities. Equally, when you look at your work colleagues, don't see 'white men' - see them as individuals with different personalities.
Simply put, show them that black is not the beginning and the end of your personhood ( people may subconsciously have stereotypes of you if you don't show them any different)
You should also take into account that they not just white. You'll be in a far better position to flirt if you see beyond colour and look at what about each individual makes you smile.
On a sidenote, honey, you need to embrace yourself and love yourself just the way you are.
'i don't have the courage to approach any of them and i am not sure if a white man can like me. i guess i don't have the confidence. I mean i look nothing like a white girl'
- you don't necessarily have to do the approaching, you just have to be approachable. Have a laugh with them and suggest or join in neutral social activities with the guys at work. In the UK we go to pubs a lot :-p
- you're no more guaranteed that a black man will like you more than a white man or a blue man or a green man. You are not guaranteed that every man will like you whatever colour /background he may be. That is just fact. And it's not a problem either, different strokes for different folk. It's a waste of time worrying about that. Focus your energy on interacting with the people that would find your attractive - ie people you naturally have a laugh with.
- You worry that you don't look like a white girl which is really sad that you feel this way.
***You don't have to look like ANYONE else to be attractive. You are beautiful just the way you are and if someone does not see that then they don't deserve you! Somebody else who appreciates you will come and sweep you off your feet :-)***
Good luck and best wishes!
A
male
reader, nick20  +, writes (10 May 2013):
Of course you should pursue your interests! Contrary to what you think, many people at work - white or otherwise - must find you cute, attractive, smart and more, that's for sure. Just behave with these guys like any with other people, don't change your behavior because they're green/white/red/else. I understand it might be trickier in the South... but you're an engineer, and may be working with foreigners as well, which usually broadens the perspective of everyone in the office. Good luck :)
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A
female
reader, deirdre  +, writes (10 May 2013):
Im a white woman but I will try to help.I think you should strike up conversations with the men, about everyday things and many white men like women with a butt so dont let this put you off. good luck :)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 May 2013): well I'm a woman, and I'm black.I'm 21 and I've never dated a white man, I've dated an asian. And I could have dated 2 white men, but I turned them down for various reasons. I don't like comparing physical attributes, but since it seems to matter to you, I'm 5'6" and about 120lbs.I used to be convinced I'd end up with a white guy, cuz most of my crushes were white (I'm also in engineering tho still in college). But turned out I fell for a black guy lol. Truth is, the more emphasis you put on race, the more it'll become a factor. Race is one of those things that doesn't really matter until you make it matter. If you stress about it constantly, then... it'll hinder you constantly. If you push it to a far back burner and just be yourself, you'll notice that most guys, while they will notice it just like they notice other physical things about you, they wont care so much really. Of course in a long term mixed relationship, race will eventually become a topic of discussion because it IS relevant to some degree. But in that first flirting/dating stage, don't even bring it up, don't stress about it, don't mention it. Treat it like any other physical feature you might have. Some guys will dig chicks ur physique, some wont, but it'll have very little to do with their being white or not.
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