A
female
age
36-40,
*eowMix86
writes:Hi there, this will be long but I'm in need of help and would appreciate the time and any advice you can offer.I'm 27 living in Los Angeles Cali, working at a video game company.I have suffered from retroactive jealousy since my very first boyfriend. It's an ongoing battle and it has become worse with my newest relationship.My current boyfriend, let's call him Clark, works at the video game company I work at. I had a crush on him for years but never approached him. Meanwhile he dated another girl in the office, let's call her Ang, for about two months he broke up with her and it didn't work out. In retrospect he said that she came on to him and it was convenient. But that she lied about who she was and therefore he didn't want to be with her.At the time I was also dating someone else. My ex was abusive and the worst relationship I've ever had. I broke it off when I found out that he had hit on lots of other women in the office. I've had many abusive relationships not physically but verbally and unhealthy. Clark and I got to know each other and eventually began dating. Aside from Ang, his other ex of 4 years works there as well. We'll call her Nic, He isn't a player of any type and he's the kindest person I've ever met. Nic got into out company because of him and then cheated on him with her current partner. This happened two years ago. I was just trying to give you some background on my current situation. I have been told by many that I am attractive, funny witty and smart and everyone loves my outgoing personality. I have many friends both male and female. In a sense I have confidence and love myself. I used to be quite shy but have obviously blossomed. At the same time every time I see Ang or Nic, (we are in the same office so that I see them on a daily basis) I can't help but compare myself. I think they are prettier skinnier than me. And sometimes when Clark and I make love I wonder if they were better than me or if he enjoyed them more than he enjoys me. These sick thoughts pervade my mind. And make it so that I get angry with him attack him and do not want him to touch will make love to me.I constantly ask for reassurance. Ask him if I'm the prettiest girlfriend he's ever had. Ask him if he loves me more than he did them. He always tells me and I believe honestly that I am the most amazing girl he's ever met and that Making love with me is the best and he's more attracted to me than anyone prior. In his words they simply cannot compete.Does not like comparing people and I feel giving me this reassurance makes him uncomfortable. But the images of them together are always on my mind.I believe he wouldn't lie because that's not the type of person that he is. But every time I see them the jealousy returns. Anytime one of our mutual friends mentions them the jealousy returns. And a large fight ensues. We have been together about seven months and he's very patient and kind whenever I get jealous. But I know it is very waring on him and on our relationship.I love him more than I thought I could love anyone. I have been through much in my life and overcome much of my confidence issues and insecurity. I have been in many horrible relationships. I feel like I can overcome this because I genuinely want to. Not because of Clark and I but for myself. I am seeking out any advice or tips you can give me. Thanks so much for your time. He and I got a huge fight last night, in which I mentioned breaking up. This prompted me to seek help in therapy and to reach out to anyone with advice.
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female
reader, MeowMix86 +, writes (11 November 2013):
MeowMix86 is verified as being by the original poster of the question Hi there and thanks for the answers! I sincerely appreciate it!First things:Clark got his first gf, Nic (4 years, the one who cheated on him) hired at our current company. They met before working where we do... so he didn't meet her in the workplace. That was over 2 years ago, but I still see her every day.The second one, Ang, only lasted 2 months and he knew it was a regrettable mistake. She got with someone new (shes sorta been around the office) a week after he dumped and is still with that same guy.I don't want to get a new job, because I feel that is running away from my problem. Chances are, this retro active jealousy will be back with a vengence in my next relationship.I want more than ever to work things out with Clark and to tackle this life long insecurity. I love him so and he loves me... I think I will take the advice of "Like I See It" and the first anonymous poster said and work on my self esteem.I am trying to look at it this way... in the movie 500 Days of Summer, he didn't meet the girl he was mean't to be with until the end of the movie, in the comic, Scott Pilgrim dated quite a few girls before he met Ramona Flowers, and even Romeo first had Roseline before he met Juliet. We all have pasts, I'm just trying to see myself as the right girl for him despite his "present" past.
A
female
reader, pinktopaz +, writes (11 November 2013):
Ever heard the phrase, "Don't shit where eat"? There's a reason for that. Workplace relationships cause a lot of unnecessary drama and insecurities.
Most people have an ex or had some sort of relationship with another person, whether it was casual or serious. The thing is, they're usually out of sight, out of mind. When you date people that date other people at work or the office, it makes relationships literally 100 times more difficult in my opinion.
So, either you're just going to have to work through your insecurities. Or you, him, or both should find new jobs...and with this job market, that'll be tough. Good luck!
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A
female
reader, KC12 +, writes (10 November 2013):
 I personally think the work environment is toxic to your relationship, and maybe you both need to find new jobs. Even a secure confident woman like yourself can feel insecure in the workplace with constant reminders of his past. Occupationally, both of you need to move on from that place and into a healthier work environment.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 November 2013): Two things will really help you- go to therapy and work through this. Also both you and gladly find other jobs- you'll feel more secure and have fewer reminders of his past.
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female
reader, like I see it +, writes (10 November 2013):
 Wow. That's an awkward situation and I feel for you. I'm not really sure why your boyfriend only goes fishing in the workplace pond to meet women, but I guess that's his prerogative.You're right though - the jealousy is something you need to get a handle on, or it's going to seriously undermine your relationship. Dating multiple coworkers may have been a really stupid move on your boyfriend's part, but it's also one he can't change and it's something you will have to accept if you stay with him. Look at it this way... these girls may be under his nose on a daily basis, but he is WITH YOU. Clearly he thinks you are better than either of them in the ways that matter most to him. Just because you think they are prettier doesn't mean he agrees with you.The other thing I definitely would stop doing in your shoes is asking for any kind of details about his past with them. The past is over. It happened, neither of you can change it, and having a more vivid list of things for you to agonize over helps neither of you. Having been in horrible relationships yourself I'm sure you understand that it's possible to never want to get back together with someone after a relationship ends badly. If I read your post correctly, one of these girls cheated on your BF and the other lied to him. So take how you feel about the horrible relationships you had in the past and realize that your boyfriend likely feels the same way about these girls, even if he has to see them on a daily basis.Hope this helps. Good luck and best wishes :)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 November 2013): You need to work on your self esteem.Identify those things that make you feel good and confident about yourself. Focus on them and work hard at immersing yourself in what you enjoy and are good at. This should build your confidence and self-esteem.Secondly, accept that no-one is perfect. Not Nic, not Ang, not your boyfriend, not you. So next time you look at Nic or Ang and think ohhh but they are prettier than me... also know that they have other shit going on in their lives that they don't share with the rest of the world. We each of us have our own cross to bear, no matter how perfect our life looks perfect from the outside. Stop comparing yourself to them or wishing you were more like them. You are different fullstop. You are not better or worse than anyone else. Just different. It's like comparing apples and oranges - they are just different. Also, when you find yourself getting jealous, remember that he is not with them any more. He has had plenty of opportunity to get back with them if he wanted to but he didn't.Thirdly, realise that being needy and insecure will push your boyfriend away. It is not sexy. So it's good that you are starting to address this. It could spell the end of your relationship in the long-term if you don't grow out of it. Can you imagine having to prop up someone's self confidence for the rest of their life? Exactly, he's not your parent. Don't make him feel like he is.If you are serious about him, I would also recommend looking for a job somewhere else so that you are not constantly in awkward situations where there are constant reminders of him and his exs. Obviously you need to find another job first before leaving this one.On a side note being skinnier is not necessarily prettier. I know it's a trend at the moment but seriously, learn to love yourself. At the end of the day, the quality of your sex life is not determined by how much fat you have. No one lies on their deathbead thinking 'I never succeeded in my diet.' Or 'If only I had got a nose job to look more like Nic then I would have lived a better life'. Instead people reminisce about the good times they shared with their families and the wasted worries that now seem so insignificant.Don't let trends and peer pressure give you stupid expectations and ruin your self-esteem and relationships. Dare to love yourself as you are.
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