A
female
age
41-50,
*oneyEyedLatina
writes:I envy my friends that are married. Well except for the ones that are in bad marriages. I dreamnt of getting married ever since I was a little girl. I have been engaged a couple times in the past but the relationships didn't last because those guys were not the one. One was a cheater and the other one was just caught up in the moment for a short while. Plus it seemed like they wanted to marry my body instead of marrying me for my "sweet warm hearted" personality. What I would give to find a guy that loved me for me including my style, personality,habits, hobbies and just me in general. I don't really care about looks as long as he honest, faithful, protective and makes me feel like the most beautiful woman in the world! I don't think there is a guy like that for me. I've met many guys and each one usually consist of one of those things but not the rest of them. Getting a boyfriend is easy for me but I always seem to attract the wrong ones. Also, the guys I date have no idea of how much I want to get married. I'm not like those girls that talk about it all the time and drag their men to weddings. I keep it to myself. I'm not looking for a perfect guy and I don't ask much in a man. I just want a man to love me forever. I'm a christian and believe there is someone for everyone but sometimes I think God forgot about me :( I can't talk to my friends about it because they envy me for being single and I don't want them to know how depressed I am. I think about this all the the time and I watch shows like "say yes to the dress" and other kinds of wedding shows. I also like to read bridal magazines. How do I get over this? I want to enjoy my life without dwelling on the things that I want to happen instead of enjoying what I do have.
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female
reader, HoneyEyedLatina +, writes (3 May 2011):
HoneyEyedLatina is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thank you. It wasn't too harsh and I'm glad you are honest. You are right about one thing tho. I'm great girlfriend material.
A
male
reader, Odds +, writes (3 May 2011):
 Alright, we're getting somewhere. We see what you have to offer, but it needs to be examined under the light of what men value, and what is "wife-valuable" versus what's "girlfriend-valuable." Also need to consider how effectively you advertise these traits.
For example, most of Paragraph Two consists of "girlfriend-valuable" traits. Being able to watch UFC, not gossiping, drinking, freak/lady switching, and having a good body are all traits that he will benefit from whether you're married or just dating casually. On the plus side, they're all pretty obvious traits, so you can use them to find a guy to date (which explains why that part is easy for you).
More "wife-valuable" traits that you list include your religion and ability/willingness to have more kids (most guys get married at least in part because they want a few kids of their own). A body that bounces back after pregnancy is good, too. These are a bit tougher to advertise effectively, and it's not really a lot to being with.
Your career and law school aspirations have basically no effect, good or bad, on either set of traits, for the vast majority of guys. They may have some effect on your own ability to be attracted to a guy - once you're a lawyer, the pool of men who you could "look up to" would be smaller than it is now. Most women want a man they can look up to, but not all, so you'll have to decide if that'll happen to you, and how that will affect your plans.
Having two kids out of wedlock to a guy who then treated you badly is a pretty big mark against the wife-valuable traits. Men may like your kids, but that doesn't mean they want to raise them. Having a history of being the first one to break off your relationships also counts heavily against the wife-valuable traits. Men have to believe that you would never, ever divorce them, or they won't make that commitment in the first place - simply because divorce would mean you get the kids (including any new ones) and half their stuff.
It's true that some guys are buttholes, but describing any guy who turns you down as "intimidated" would tend to turn guys off. That's not what happens, anyway. Men make an assessment of a woman and determine whether she would be good wife, girlfriend, or one-night-stand material, then act accordingly (which may mean simply leaving, if we think a girl is one-night material but we don't do one-nighters). Whether the assessment is accurate doesn't matter; in this case, perception is reality. If a guy backs off suddenly, it's because he thinks you have a different idea of what the relationship is than he does.
On balance, you sound like absolutely wonderful girlfriend material, but not great wife material. This pretty much matches up with your story - easy time getting boyfriends, hard time getting potential husbands. The good news is you can work to increase your wife-value by keeping focused on that side of yourself.
The kids are going to be a major handicap - I believe you when you say they're wonderful, but again, it doesn't mean a man wants to raise them. Your best bet here is to change your standards (not necessarily lower them, just change them). Focus on provider-type qualities in the men you date. Seek out men who are stable and willing to provide; be willing to compromise on how exciting they are. Don't compromise on attraction or love - that would be cheating yourself and the man out of a good relationship/marriage. This just means you might need to find an accountant or engingeer-type guy and coax him out of his shell, rather than finding a fun man and trying to turn him into a provider.
Other traits are easier to change. Make it clear from the beginning that you are slow to enter a relationship, and slow to leave it. Make it clear you think it's important to work through problems, even really tough ones. Demonstrate patience, nurturing behavior, and respect for yourself and others. Let a man know that he will have to earn your affection, but that once he earns it, it's there to stay. Let him know that he won't come second to your kids. Once you've been with a man a while, *subtly* make it clear that getting married won't mean the end of all the girlfriend-valuable traits.
Those are wife-valuable traits you can develop and demonstrate. Keep the girlfriend-valuable ones, but start working on the wife-valuable ones. Pay close attention to the type of man you're pursuing, as well.
Hope all that helps, and wasn't too harsh.
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A
female
reader, HoneyEyedLatina +, writes (3 May 2011):
HoneyEyedLatina is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYou asked about my fertile years. Well I'm mexican so I'm very fertile and will probably remain that way until menopause. I do have two kids already. I was engaged to the father and he treated me bad so now I'm alone. I'm a great mother and every guy that I have dated in the past was absolutely in love with my kids. My kids are great and they don't give anyone a hard time. I do have a lot to offer. I have a good career and I plan on going to law school. I'm not addicted to shopping or gossip. I can cook too. I'm a lady in the street but a freak in the bed. I have a great body and you can't even tell that I had kids. I do 300 kegels a day so I'm extremely good downstairs. I like drinking with my man sometimes and watching UFC fights. I'm like one of the guys. Don't get me wrong I am girly and I dress girly. I just have a different personality than those princess type females. I weigh 115 and am 5'4 and never had a problem with my weight. I am a good listener and I don't have alot of debt. I'm willing to compromise and support my man without smothering him. I'm just awesome. lol jk. Guys are either intimidated by me, insecure or just plain buttholes. I did have a few good men in the past but it didn't work out. I was never dumped tho. I'm the one that ends it when it gets really bad. I don't break up with them right away with something bad happens. I try to work it out first. I guess if it's meant to be, God will put him in my path.
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A
male
reader, Odds +, writes (2 May 2011):
@ Anon:
Hmmm. Perhaps your area just has a different social situation. Things like different age groups or gender ratios can affect the situation. I did specify young men - under 27, most (not all) guys have a tough time with women. A lot still do after that age, but it gets better. Or perhaps you just don't know a lot of guys. Couldn't say without knowing your situation, but you could peruse the archives of this site and see quite a lot of guys confirming it.
Getting a guy drunk and lying about your past could actually work for getting guys to marry you, too. Try asking a guy who has principles against lying or getting chicks drunk about his sex life, instead of the guys you seem to know, while you're at it.
Of course, that throwaway comparison was not the point of the OP's question, or the majority of my answer. I'm sure it would benefit the OP if you had something to add, or could point out a flaw in the meat of my post. I'd certainly enjoy it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2011): "Securing marital commitment from a guy is in many ways similiar to the struggles most young men have to go through getting laid"To the person who posted this before me...WHAT??? What struggle to get laid? You mean I either have to get the guy drunk to marry me, or I have to tell him lies and lie about my sexual past and THEN he'll marry me? Because that's been my experience on the "struggles" of getting laid. Guys I know have no struggles to get laid, and that has NOTHING to do with marriage.
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A
male
reader, Odds +, writes (2 May 2011):
I'm going to try to point out the issues with a few selected statements, then point you in the right direction."Plus it seemed like they wanted to marry my body instead of marrying me for my 'sweet warm hearted' personality."You need both your body and your personality. The body is necessary for physical attraction, which is the seed from which emotional attachment will form. Personality is what is needed to nourish that growth, to go from "hot girlfriend" to "wife material." I'm not quite clear on your meaning from the wording, but I'll just say don't discount a guy who likes your body, or the value of your looks in the marriage "market.""...and makes me feel like the most beautiful woman in the world!"A large portion of that feeling comes from your own attraction to the guy. That is, if you're with a guy you find to be extremely attractive (which will mostly come from his confidence and social savvy), you will feel attractive just being with him. It's a fine sentiment, but it's important to know where it comes from when husband-hunting."I don't think there is a guy like that for me. I've met many guys and each one usually consist of one of those things but not the rest of them."When considering what you want from a man, consider also what you are offering in the marriage (it helps to have a good idea of what a particular man wants and values from you). Find out what the guys you like value in a potential wife. Do your offers match your demands? If so, great. If not, either offer more or compromise on your demands."I always seem to attract the wrong ones."Do you attract the wrongs ones, or are you attracted to the wrong ones? I don't know your history, but most women have turned down a fair number of guys in the last year or two. Consider them - could they have been the "right" ones, if given a chance beyond their poor first impression? From now on, accept every offer of a date you receive, even if the guy makes a bad impression. You don't have to go on a second date, but give every guy an honest shot. Some men just grow on you."I keep it to myself."Good, to an extent. Make it clear you only date long-term, remain vague in everything. Refuse any form of short-term relationship."I just want a man to love me forever."This is in contradiction with the list of traits you wanted earlier. Even if that's just the result of simplifying the desired traits into the word "love," never use this phrase with any guy you date. It would make him think you're looking for a prop to fill the role of husband, rather than looking for a great man. I know that's not what you're doing, so don't make that impression."...sometimes I think God forgot about me :("He has a plan, but He helps those who help themselves. He saw fit to give you self-control and initiative. Use them to seek what you desire.Given those bits of advice, there are two things to bear in mind.One: marriage is an extremely unfavorable proposition for men. No matter how sweet, wonderful, feminine and beautiful you are, marriage offers many risks to men for absolutely zero benefit. I wrote an article on that a while back, linked below. Just pay attention to the cost-benefit part of it. Keep in mind, I wrote it from the perspective of a man who believes monogamous marriage is a fundamental building block of civilization, and that the modern legal structure is killing the institution dead.http://www.dearcupid.org/question/marriage---why-should-any-man-bother.htmlThe short version is that, realistically, you'll have to offer more in a marriage than a man will, because marriage benefits you more than it benefits him.Two: As with anything else in life, you cannot get what you want simply by wanting it. Everything has a price. Expand on my earlier point of comparing what you want to what you offer. You must be brutally honest in this comparison. Saying you just want a man who will love you is disingenuous - what if that man is, himself, an unloveable troll? You have standards, be honest about them.Then, consider what you have to offer. Be brutally honest here, as well. Physical attractiveness is only the beginning - how forgiving are you? How feminine and nurturing? Can you cook? Do you have a long history with assholes? Are you a good listener? Will you take a man's last name? How many fertile years do you have left? Can you be content living on a budget? Do you have a lot of debt? Remember, the more you have to offer relative to your competition, the more you can realistically expect from a man. If you can't offer much, men will not bother to offer much, either.Three: Now, consider what you offer as a girlfriend versus what you offer as a wife. Is there a difference? Will you become sweeter and more supportive? Will your sex drive increase and your weight stay down? Will you be willing to allow him more time and space for his personal hobbies? Will having children be a completely mutual decision, or will you either openly or secretly make all those decisions on your own? In other words, figure out how being married will benefit a man over just dating you, then prepare to advertise it once you're serious with a guy. You have to really mean it, too.It's a harsh assessment, in a lot of ways. Securing marital commitment from a guy is in many ways similiar to the struggles most young men have to go through getting laid, and it can be a real shock. Take the time to do an honest assessment, and plan out exactly how you're going to advertise your qualities to worthwhile men. Best of luck.
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