A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi.I am in love with another woman and I am married. But I no longer love my wife of 12 years. It has become a marriage of convenience. We have two young children who mean the world to me.If my wife and I separate, I would not see my children as much and would be a part time father which I don't want as I am very involved in their lives. But my love for the other woman is so strong and I am feeling I cannot live without her. For the record, we are friends and did not have an affair.How do I choose between my children and the woman I love? I don't want to abandon either of them. I am completely torn.
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female
reader, rocc  +, writes (6 May 2011):
Talk to you wife about what she thinks about the marriage. Its not fair to live in a marriage just for kids. If she is still in love with you, it would be tough. If not just separate and go for your new friend.
A
female
reader, chocoholicforever  +, writes (2 May 2011):
You are presenting to yourself a false dilemma.
Instead of framing the problem as having to choose between your children or the woman you love, why not instead make the decision that you will divorce your wife - because you've concluded beyond doubt that the marriage sucks - and focus your energy on HOW to move forward building a better life with your children in that new circumstance.
You've acknowledged that you and your wife don't love each other. Therefore, the marriage is dead. Growing up in a dead marriage can really mess children up, it's not emotionally healthy for them. Children get imprinted with ideas that last into adulthood about what "normal" family relationships and adult relationships look like, through watching the adults in their lives interact with one another. By continuing a loveless, highly conflicted or emotionally detached marriage, you could really be doing your children a grave disservice because you would be modeling dysfunctional behavior/relationship patterns for them that will get imprinted on them and impair their future ability to form and maintain healthy relationships. They will come to see dysfunctional behavior as normal, so they replicate that when they get older and lead tumultuous lives. (I have friends in dysfunctional unhealthy marriages, in part because they came from dysfunctional homes and thus have these weird or unhealthy beliefs about marriage and love)...so don't stay married out of selfish reasons which are actually detrimental to your kids.
so if you have already concluded that your marriage is beyond repair, then I think the best thing to do is to end the lie, get divorced and spend your energies on building a better life that your kids will be a part of. many people are divorced, some remarried, and remain healthily involved in their children's lives. You can, too.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (2 May 2011):
 You shouldnt have to chose. At the end of the day I dont think two people should be together just because of children because those two people will be unhappy and children can sense these kind of feelings floating around. Yes it would be very hard to adjust being a part time dad. But if you and your wife agreed to half and half custody well then you would still get to see them quite a lot and at least they would have a happy dad.
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A
female
reader, rockandrose +, writes (1 May 2011):
I think it will be more unfair for your children to live with parents who are unhappy than parents that are separated but happy, if that makes sense? My dad was in the same position you were back when I was 10 (I'm 20 now) and I can clearly remember my parents fighting all the time, and me thinking it was all my fault. As hard as it was when he left to see them both so happy now compared to what they were like before is amazing. Even if this other woman wasn't in the picture, there's no point staying in an unhappy marriage. You will grow to resent your wife and cause so many problems. Anyway, being a 'part-time' dad isn't all that bad. So many people do it. The time you do spend with your kids will be so much more precious and you'll make more effort than you do with them now on a daily basis - you'll spend more quality time together. But perhaps give it some time before you get really involved with this other woman so it's fairer on your wife? And ease your kids into it slowly. It's going to be a massive change for them but better in the long run.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 May 2011): Your children are your flesh and blood and you are asking who you choose? Can't believe you even need to ask that question. Yes you will become a part time father if you and your wife did seperate but no matter what your children should be your number 1 priority, there shouldn't be any contest to be honest!!
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A
female
reader, Eilish +, writes (1 May 2011):
 It seems like you're stuck in a very difficult position.
For starters, your children should ALWAYS come first. However, that doesn't mean you have to stay in a relationship at the expense of your happiness. But you do have to understand and take into account that if you do leave your wife for this other woman then there is a risk of your wife maybe cutting contact with your children just to hurt you like you hurt her. I know it's sick, but some people do that for revenge.
I don't think you should jump straight into another relationship. If you do not want to be in your current relationship and you are positive this is what you want, then I think you should leave and be on your own for a while. Jumping into a new relationship will only mess things up. Throughout this process, be sure to let your children know you love them very much. I know it's heartbreaking,but you are still their father and nobody, not even you leaving, can take that away from you. Good luck.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 May 2011): I don't want to be in your situation, but this decision is easier than it seems.
Your children DEPEND on you, the woman you love, does not. Be there for them, while you can, and if she loves you as much as she says she does, she will be there when they are grown.
Your kids are your blood, and your legacy. Make sure they have the emotional maturity to deal with reality when they are on their own.
For the record, I'm divorced and have my kids quite often. More than most men. It wasn't my choice to be in this situation, and now, I find it impossible to date, and that IS by choice, because my kids come first.
Kids first, you second.
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