A
male
age
36-40,
*ech135
writes:I've been in a relationship for almost a year now and I'm trying to get some help dealing with the only real thing that bothers me about her. At one point early on in our relationship we happened to be sitting around with a group of our friends and somehow got on the topic of how many people they'd all slept with. We didn't really talk about ourselves during the conversation but it happened to come up a little later on in the night when we were by ourselves and we had a short conversation about how many people we'd been with. I knew she'd been with people before me since when we met she was actually kind of casually dating/sleeping with a guy I knew and I found out that I'm only the 6th guy she's slept with since she started having sex when she was 16 (she just turned 21) which isn't really that many in my opinion although its still more than I have since she's really only the second girl I've slept with due to the fact that I can be very insecure at times especially when I really like someone so I never really started dating until college when I learned a lot about myself and managed to overcome a lot of my insecurities about myself. The problem is that I know I'm the only real long term relationship she's ever had which at times can make me feel like when she had sex with the other people she casually did something that is special between us and that at the time I met her when she was kind of dating the other guy she had the habit of telling our group of friends how big his penis was which, as I'm sure all guys know, can sometimes make me feel insecure about my own size even though I'm not small and possibly a little above average. Our relationship kind of sprouted suddenly from our friendship one weekend which had originally started out as her me and the other guy at her apartment watching a movie. He went to bed because he was tired but she and I spent alot of time talking that night. The next day she went to work early in the morning and I went home and met her back at a coffee shop we hung out at a lot after she got off work only to find out that the other guy had decided he didn't really want a relationship and basically just stopped talking to her. We spent that whole night together talking at first at the coffee shop and then after the place closed, in her car listening to the radio until we decided to head to her place only to discover her car battery had died and so I drove her home. At first we were just hanging out and talking although while talking to her over the past couple days I had become increasingly attracted to her and her to me as i found out that night when we ended up sleeping together. Since that day we've literally spent all but 2 nights of the last year together and I have only grown to love her more and more, but whenever I think about the night our relationship started the happy memories are tainted by memories of the other guy and her talking about him before we really had showed any interest in each other. I don't really have any sort of animosity towards her for her past relationships or anything like that but every now and then I just can't get the thoughts out of my head about her being with other guys and having been having sex for so much longer than me not to mention the way she talked about the other guy. She's been very encouraging when I feel like this and tells me that I'm the only person she's ever been in love with (same for me with her) and that our sex life is the best she's ever had (which I believe she is telling the truth about or is very good at convincing me) but I still can't suppress the thoughts even though I know that a lot of her sexual activity when she was younger stemmed somewhat from her dad not being around very much in her childhood and her own insecurities about herself. I also tend to be very protective and at time mildly jealous which I'm aware of and try not to let affect me, although I'm sure it shows at time, but doesn't help when I think about her past. I don't think about it all the time but it pops into my head often enough that it's bothering me and I don't want my insecurities about her past relationships to cause any problems in the future so I was wondering if anyone had any advice on how to get it out of my head or when it does pop into my head any advice for getting it out of my head quickly since once I think about it I can't stop for a day or two.
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male
reader, Aech135 +, writes (19 February 2009):
Aech135 is verified as being by the original poster of the question i forgot i even had this question on here, lol.
to answer your questions though
A: There is a vast difference between just sex and intimacy and a girl having sex before marriage is not necessarily intimacy. Honestly i doubt i would marry someone that i hadn't had sex with because it's important that you're sexually compatible in a relationship or it will cause it's own kind of problems. As for what the woman has left to give to her husband there's a pretty obvious answer...herself. Sex is not who she is having sex doesn't mean she has given herself to them just that she has slept with them.
A: The difference at least in my mind between marriage and just a boyfriend is both a commitment to each other and each others happiness and well being and real love between two people which is the harder of the two to find. There's also a vast difference between sex and making love, at least for me. Making love to your significant other is much more than just a pleasurable physical activity while sex on the other hand is just fun and feels good. you can have both in a relationship but for me i have to really care about the person for it to go beyond just the sex mentality of it.
A: I'd be a hypocrite if i found the woman i love unworthy of marrying me because she had had sex with other men when i've had sex with other women.
This question was originally posted not because i had an issue with who she was or how she had lived but more to help me get over being hung up on thinking about it when thought of her and another guy popped into my head. I think also that if i hadn't actually personally known the last guy she was with it probably never would have been an issue to begin with but i have a face to put with an action i don't want to think about that makes it that much more difficult to not think about. The difference though is that i know she had safe sex in the past, i know she enjoys sex with me and loves me, and i know that she would never cheat on me so what she did with other guys isn't an issue other than just my not wanting to think about it and the thoughts of her doing something which between us is something special with other guys even though what she did with other guys was just a pleasurable activity which i've done in the past with other people to. making the distinction more pronounced in my mind honestly has made a huge difference in how i think about things she's done in the past and honestly it really doesn't affect me that much anymore.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2009): Those feelings are not going to go away.
Not that you are even thinking of marriage but I pose a few questions.
Q: If awomen gives herself in the most intimate way before she is married what does she have left to give her husband when and if someone marrys her ?
Q: What makes her relationship with her husband any different then the relationship with any of the past boyfriends ?
Q: Do you really want to be with a women that has had any number of other men inside of her ?
If you can answer these questions you'll have your answer.
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A
male
reader, Aech135 +, writes (7 January 2009):
Aech135 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionhaha, I don't know if I'm a great mind but I'm good at empathizing and I'm usually very good at reading people so that helps a lot when I am trying to help friends since I have a few that are just retarded sometimes.
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A
male
reader, Aech135 +, writes (7 January 2009):
Aech135 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the advice that actually makes alot of sense I kind of normally just tend to be sitting around with her talking about stuff when it pops into my head so yeah getting up and finding something to distract probably will help a lot. It always makes me laugh that when I ask questions about my relationship with people I usually get advice I would have given friends if they asked but can never think of when it applies to me =P
Also kinda makes me laugh that you have the same name as her just spelled a one letter different =)
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A
male
reader, Aech135 +, writes (7 January 2009):
Aech135 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionsorry that this is so long by the way I tend to ramble when I type out things.
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