A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I recently found out my boyfriend watches porn, and I hate it! I have some real issues with myself, I have terribly low self confidence and low self esteem. We have a very active sex life, so why does he have to watch other women? What is wrong with me? It has made me feel so much worse, like i'm not satisfying him or i'm not good enough. I feel sick at the thought of him getting aroused over someone else. I'm not saying he shouldn't be attracted to anyone else, he's human of course he's going to find other people attractive, but it's the masturbating over someone else that has hurt me. I don't understand why he feels the need to masturbate when he has sex with me. Surely real sex is better than porn? So why am I not good enough? It hurts that I know I will NEVER look like the girls in porn, I don't really want to but he seems to like them. Can anyone offer me advice as to how to deal with this? It's really got me down.
View related questions:
confidence, porn, self esteem, sex life Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 July 2013): I recently just found out that my boyfriend is watching porn. I stayed at his house for a week. And during the day when he was at work. I was on his laptop. Playing online games and just visiting random websites and so I went to the history. I was looking for a specific website I checked out and I saw all these porn websites and the stuff he was looking at. And I discovered he watches it like every night. Like he comes and visits me at my place and then he goes home and watches the porn. I mean our sex life is the best. We always try out new stuff. Both of us are very satisfied with our sex life but why does he go back home and watches porn and other chicks and stuff? It hurts. Coz I give him my all and then he just goes back home and watches that shit???? I don't understand it. So I kinda know how you feel. I just don't get it. I give him all the pleasure he needs so why should he look at porn. I saw he's looking at stuff like. Girl solo masturbation and stuff like that. Why should he look at another girl. I just hate porn and the fact that my boyfriend has to watch it every night it really hurts
A
female
reader, blackwoman28  +, writes (20 April 2013):
I feel the exact same way. I am constantly finding porn in my boyfriend's phone and when I bring it to his attention he replies that all men do it. I just had his daughter 6 mths ago and am constantly getting told that I need to workout. He goes on to say I'm insecure but how am I not suppose to be when he is constantly looking at woman that I don't look like. I explain to him how I feel about it and he still does it. Why does he NEED to watch it??
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2012): I did the choosing thing he said I kind of chose you both really lol they don't think they are doing anything wrong. They can't get it into their tiny brains how hurtful it is. "What's it got to do with you what I do when you're not here anyway." I've had that line before, any time he uses his penis is to do with me, I don't care what anyone has to say about it.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2012): I have been having the same issue with my boyfriend. He told me he would stop and then I found it again and again. The other day I had just gotten out of the shower and he came in the bedroom and we had sex. I thought it was sweet because he usually isn't just random about it like that. After we were done, he went out to smoke and I found that he was looking at porn on the computer. I was disgusted that he had to get aroused by some other girl then come have sex with me. We got into a huge fight about it that night, but things finally settled down. The next few days though I couldn't stop thinking about him looking at other women. To me it feels like he is cheating on me. After thinking long and hard about it, I finally told him he had to decide between me and the porn. I realized I cannot be In a relationship where I am constantly worrying about that kind of stuff. I would torment myself thinking and worrying about him doing that behind my back. I felt disrespected because he knew how I felt about it and kept doing it. It felt as though my feelings didn't matter. I told him that i should be the only women he looks at naked and he should be the only guy i look at naked. When I confronted him about it and told him he had to choose (I hate giving ultimatums, but I wanted him to know I was serious) I was calm and didn't cry like I usually did. We sat in silence for a long time then he went for a walk. When he came back he told me he would choose me and he would make a conscious effort to stop looking at that stuff. In the end it was worth it, but hopefully he sticks to his word. Good luck
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 May 2012): He's probably looking at anal sex because he respects you too much to get you to do it.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 May 2012): Thanks for your comments, but first of all I am NOT going to break up with him over this!We've been together 3 years, I'm 20 he's 21. I came across it on his phone when I was searching 'asda' (the supermarket lol) and it came up with anal sex and ass f*cked. It was ages since I found it, he said it was a friend but we got into it yesterday and he admitted it was him, which I knew anyway. When he saw how upset I was, he was really sorry and comforting, trying to reasure me that I'm beautiful and whatever. I asked why he does it when he has me and he just said "I don't know"I'm quite experimental in the bedroom so I don't understand it, not one bit. Thank you for your help though, it's nice to know some people understand
...............................
A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (28 May 2012):
 I have a ton of links on this topic on my profile page, I think they may be helpful to you.
...............................
A
female
reader, Xx-Scorpio-xX +, writes (28 May 2012):
 Most likely he's just watching it for the act itself and not the actors/actresses. I'm female and I watch porn, and when I watch it (I also have a boyfriend and he occasionally watches it when i'm away)i don't look at 'them', just the breasts and genitals. I don't care what they look like, i just get turned on by watching the sexual acts themselves. Also, maybe he has a fetish for some acts that you won't do/or feels embarrased telling you. I know I watch a couple of categories that my boyfriend won't/can't do for me.
You should definately talk to him though and say it makes you feel uneasy. Maybe you could make a sex tape together and he could watch that/masturbate over?
Good luck ^_^
...............................
A
female
reader, agneeman  +, writes (28 May 2012):
 porn addiction. We live in a society that calls it healthy and normal. The reason it makes you feel bad is this. People will argue "its not cheating, how much can he actually DO?" but the problem is he is already DOING all he can. and why????You feel replaced. Porn fosters totally unrealistic ideas in their minds about what sex should be like... Martian (guy centred) sex.I don't see a future for your relationship unless he realises the gravity of this... But I have a feeling he won't.He will be one of those statistics that can't get it up with a real woman because they've so programmed their minds to porn....Stop having sex with him. This will make the break up easier.
...............................
A
female
reader, Foot-In-My-Mouth  +, writes (28 May 2012):
 This has nothing to do with you. It has to do with his addcition and the fact that by indulging this habit (perhaps addiction) he's threatening your relationship and also causing himself a lot of psychological damage in the future. The ill effects of porn use on human sexuality is well documented. It's like dating an alcoholic. Either he quits putting the bottle above you or you walk.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 May 2012): The only way to truly deal with this is by discussing it with him. People have many different views on porn in a relationship and will offer different advice because of this. I recommend that you tell him what you've told us on here, if he's a kind and understanding guy he will appreciate that rather than watch porn he should perhaps be showing you how much he values you - which in turn may help you rebuild your own self esteem.
It's not too much to ask of any guy to stop watching porn, although I know people will feel different, but if he loves you and you cannot accept porn in your relationship then he should be more than willing to stop it. No porn and an actual real life girlfriend is surely better than the other way round?!
Good luck x
...............................
A
female
reader, Candycane1234 +, writes (28 May 2012):
 How did you discover this? How old is your boyfriend? How long have you been together?You sound EXACTLY like me. I know where you're coming from why the hell are they still interested in looking at something they have been doing who knows what it's all about, but I will tell you this.... I can understand them lookinh at porn to remind themselves of their partner anything else is totally unacceptable it doesn't make any sense to me. I also don't care if he finds other people attractive but masturbating over them is just too far, I mean how odd is it? They do sexual stuff with us all week then knock one off to some random. How can that be healthy in a relationship. If it's just for visuals why not ask the girlfriend for pictures or make some videos? (that is my biggest question)Does he only use it for a masturbation? Have you thought of giving him pictures to use?Talk to him about this get every detail out of him, or just ask what the hell it is all about then say delete it or else!!! He might try the I was thinking of you line. It seems men want both real sex then masturbation to porn, I don't get it really.
...............................
|
