A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:How do I deal with an extremely moody boyfriend? I've been with him for 4 years (he is 25, I'm 27) and he has always been moody but it's getting harder and harder to deal with these days.For example we have just returned from a trip abroad to see his parents, and I've just spent a 5 hour return journey in almost total silence since he was upset that the vacation was over and that we had to get up in the middle of the night to get the flight. I tried to make conversation at first but he was either snapping one word answers at me or ignoring me completely so I eventually gave up.This type of thing happens regularly and I feel like I'm going out with a child. I mean I understand he was tired and that he might be sad to leave his parents, but I don't think it's an excuse for him to be rude and snap at me. I used to ignore him and let him work through his mood but it's getting harder because they just come out of nowhere.This has put a dampener on the full trip and I'm sick of things like this happening. Has anyone else dealt with someone like this before? What should I say to him when I try to talk to him about this later (once he's cheered up)? Thank you in advance. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (24 September 2013):
 ... Are you sure you WANT to deal with an extremely moody boyfriend ? I mean, he is lovely " at times ". Big deal. EVERYBODY is lovely at times, the problem with your bf is that, the times when he is not lovely , he can't even manage having minimally, marginally civil social interactions. The idea would be , for a partner, to be lovely at times- and at least bearable, at least relatively civil ALL the times.
Are you sure you want to live your life tiptoing around his moods ? Do you want to be his gf, or the mom of a fussy, colicky newborn, whose furious reactions can't be prevented / reasoned with / controlled / assuaged, but have just to be tolerated by a patient loving long suffering mommy ?
The way I see it, either his moods just come from arrogance , bad attitude and self centeredness ( and have been entitled by a family that noticed them but chose to put up with his crap ). Or, it's not really his fault, this extreme moodiness is VERY often a symptom of mental health disturbances , like bipolar disorder, or borderline personality disorder , or " masked " depression ( comes out in bouts of disproportionated aggressivity ). But's that's what they have invented counseling and shrinks and , if necessary, meds for.
One can't just say " Oh I am so exceedingly moody, that's the way I am ". It's like saying " Hey I 've got leprosy, that's the way I am ". You've got leprosy ?, that' sad but: go get yourself CURED pronto !
Either way , that his moods stem from a pathological condition ( very probable ) or not- he COULD do something about it and he should want to. Because if he is a mature intelligent adult, he will have realized, during his lovability bouts, that the way he acts when he is moody is not socialyy acceptable, and most of all affects badly the people around him whom he supposedly cares for- starting from you.
If he can't wrap his head around that , and says it's everybosy's else problem but his... then he is not an adult but the above mentioned colicky baby. He does not need a girlfriend, but a patient, self effacing nanny . Are you ready to fill that role for an undetermined length of time ?
A
male
reader, CMMP  +, writes (24 September 2013):
He needs a therapist, not a lecture from his girlfriend. If you're not willing to be patient with him while he gets help dealing with his moodiness, then I suggest breaking up.
My wife has an attitude problem, and sometimes, despite her best efforts, she is just not a pleasant person, for no real reason. Had I known it ahead of time I probably wouldn't have married her. I love her though, so I'm glad I was ignorant in some ways.
She's currently seeing a therapist...
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (23 September 2013):
 Thank you for the follow up, and the added information.
I think I would recommend you read the recommended books but I would also start to ask him to look at his reactions and responses. If he's this "moody" and thinks it's all your problem, well, do you want to go through life being the needy one?
If you and many family members and friends have tried to let him know he's inappropriate in his responses and he responds with "you're over-reacting" then you should know by now he's not all that interested in addressing change or his attitude.
A man who is only lovely "sometimes" which I take to mean when he feels like being a compassionate human being, maybe isn't the best choice as a long term love partner.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 September 2013): Hi OP here, thanks for your replies so far. In answer to your questions Tisha, first of all yes he knows that he's moody. Both myself and his friends and family have addressed this with him many times but he tends to think we are overreacting. Secondly, of course a request for some quiet time would be fine by me, in fact that would solve a lot of our issues because I'd know what the problem was, but that's not what happens with him. I wasn't trying to have in depth conversations with him or anything, it was things like me asking him if he wanted a drink when I went to the shop or if he could watch my bag when I went to the bathroom. I either get snapped at or completely ignored. If I ask him whats wrong he barks 'nothing' at me and is in an even worse mood after that so most of the time I don't bother trying to speak to him at all when he's in a mood. My very presence seems to annoy him when he's like that and to be quite frank it's very stressful and upsetting. I'm not expecting him to be romantic or jumping for joy but being civil would be nice.This is just an example too, it can be anything that sets him off. He was mad for days after getting a parking ticket and again when his TV broke. Things I think a grown up should be more resilient about to be honest.I feel bad saying this because he is lovely sometimes, but it's getting to the stage where I dread going on trips with him because it's guaranteed that in an extended period of time something will set him off and I'll end up walking on eggshells. To answer another question this happens very regularly, if not every week then definitely once every 2 weeks. When he snaps out of it he comes back to me being affectionate and he doesnt understand why I don't feel like it even though I've explained. He thinks his behaviour is normal and it's my problem.I know he might not change but I at least want to try to explain how I feel and see if it will make a difference. I will check out those books and tests as they sound quite interesting so thanks very much for that.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (23 September 2013):
Is he aware you think he is moody? Is he aware he is moody? Have you discussed this in the past?
I would put on headphones and ignore him until he was willing to be civil and polite.
If he's just cranky because it's 3 am and there hasn't been coffee and he has to say goodbye to his family and he just feels crappy about it, give him some space to get over that. You have been with him for 4 years, you should have an idea about his moods by now.
If this is something that happens every week, then you need to figure out a way to talk to him about how this affects you and the relationship.
There are personality tests that companies use to help their workers work in teams. Myers Briggs is one, there are many others. You might google that and both of you take the test and see how your personality traits may play out in the relationship.
There are books about communications styles, one I liked was "You just don't understand, men and women in conversation." There are many others, like the "men are from Mars, women are from Venus" author.
You may feel the need to fill silence with chatter or complaints. He may like silence and just going with the flow.
I personally would have like the silence after a long visit with his parents and an early morning flight and would have been a bit annoyed by a travel companion who felt the need to chat when all I wanted to do was sleep. If I'd had this conversation with him before and he kept on chatting I might have become short and cut off the conversation as well.
"Babe, I'm exhausted and emotional, can we just be quiet for a bit?" Could you handle that request?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 September 2013): I was dating I like that. It is highly unlikely he will change. It.s a major part of his personality. Sorry to dissapoint you,but he is selfish and thoughtless. I would start making my exit If I was you. He.ll be the same in ten years time. Have you got that time to waste? Tell him how it makes you feel. I doubt it will make that much difference,but at least you would have done your best. I think you need to think about your options seriously. It.s hard work,and stressful,not to mention hurtful to you. I wish you the best. X
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A
female
reader, Intrigued3000  +, writes (23 September 2013):
 I have a friend who admits that he is extremely moody, and the person who bears the brunt of his mood swings is his wife. She is the person that means the most to him, and I guess he feels comfortable enough to just be his moody self. She has learned to give him his space when he gets that way, and she has learned not to take it personally. They did have a discussion about it though. He explained to her that he gets into these moods sometimes and it's not about her or directed at her, it's just him.
I guess you have to weigh the pros and cons of the relationship. No one is perfect, but if this character trait of his is causing you a huge amount of stress, to the point where you are no longer happy in the relationship, then you need to rethink your options. You have to realize by now that he is a moody person, and this is something you may have to always put up with.
Before you throw in the towel, why not have a heart to heart conversation with him when he is in a better mood. Let him know how he makes you feel when he gets into these moods.
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