A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend of a year and half and I are breaking up. The hardest part about it is that I'm pregnant and pretty much due any day. Its not a life I want to bring my baby into, and I wish it didn't have to be like this. We still love each other, but the problems we've been having are endless. Please some advice on how to cope and how to raise our baby with us being separated. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, salvadda  +, writes (5 January 2010):
 Dear Friend,
Of all the hardest part of break ups this has to be the hardest. Frist let me say that I feel for you very much.
I hope my words which are only sent to you with good wishes, good intentions, and hope.
You stated u love eachother, which means there is hope and is easier to deal with, than a harsh hateful breakup. You didn't state the reason for the breakup or ur age, but I will give u my thoughts, with much respect to urself, and your situation.
If both of u still love eachother as u say, there is always light.
It may be ur both too young, financial burdens, or other and plz excuse me because I'm only guessing. But the key word I'm focussing on is and I will quote you.......
"We still love each other, but the problems we've been having are endless."
This is a part of hope that is very inportant.
I will suggest a few things and keep your feelings in mind. I hope it might help you/both. It may ease ur mind, give u hope, or even some avenues to strive for.
At this time in ur life is the hardest to be alone and most stressful. Your child does feel ur saddness and stress, along with other emotions. I relize how heavy on ur heart this is, and also for ur B/F.
I am suggestion that u and ur B/F seek counselling. At this time it might be hard due to the fact that u r going to give birth. Plz keep this in mind. It is time for ur cild now, and unfortunately this is where u must be now with ur heart and mind. Try to think of good/happy things for the sake of the baby *for now* and after the birth rejoice in ur child as a good thing.
After ur child is born and I pray he/she will be healthy. Your child will bring both of u joy. This will be the time for ur hearts to change.
I don't know where u live, and really the inportance is that I don't know what is available for u. I am in Canada so I can only give advice of what I know we have here.
If both of u have family members that may help that is a plus. Here in Ontario Can. we have many support groups. Most if not all are supplied free. I am speaking of counselling, for both of u. There is also free baby care services that goes along with this. There is also free financial help.
You can talk with your doctor regarding ur situation. I am sure he/she is aware of all of avenues u will need, and can guide u in getting the right help. I will also state to ease ur mind that your doctor has the legal obligation to keep this private. Only and only with written permission from urself can he disclose ur situation.
After u obtain information from ur doctor u can then discuss it with ur B/F when u feel he or urself r ready. If ur B/F may not agree to do this with u, I am suggestion that u urself will seek the help alone, u need for ur baby's sake.
It is never a good thing to go thro this alone, so seeking help professional help is the best suggestion I can give you.
I will aslo add in closing that there is no shame in seeking help and that professionals will treat u with care, understanding, and help porvide things for and ur baby if necessary. Everyone needs help with life even myself and no shame comes with it.
I am sorry I can not give u any more info. but without knowing the whole story this is the best I can do.
I will pray/hope that things work out for and ur new family because after ur child is born that's what u will become a *family* and ur responsibility needs to also reflect ur child's needs.
I wish I could give u more advice but upon what u stated in ur letter this is all I can give, and I give it to u with good intentions, in hopes of giving some thought of what u can do, and maybe some hope.
I will pray for u, and if u like or need to relate plz feel free to email me in here or write back in here.
Take care and my best to you, your B/f and mostly to your precious child. Plz see the joy in ur child, of which I am sure u will do. Your child will touch both ur hearts, and maybe even give u the hope u both of will need.
Take Care
*hugs*
Salvadda
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2010): Can you do this...? Can you not talk about any problems at all until after a set date? Maybe two months after you've had the baby? NO matter what happens, how much he annoys you don't bring it up.
I am saying that because it worked for me. When we hit a rocky patch in a relationship it was also because he was not willing to listen. ANd I was not willing to shut up. Then I promised that I woudl not get angry for two months - at anything. Mind you, he was not doing anything illegal or violent. It was just relationship problems.
When I pledged this, it was not to him. It was to me and it really worked. My expectations from him went down. I could see there was nothing earth shattering about what I wanted. Sometimes I was angry with something else or hornomal and I woudl take it on him. He would normally not have reacted but because he was hassled as well, it ended up being a fight. It helped me withdraw from the situation and evaluate our relationship more fairly.
Just try this. Promise yourself that you will not be angry or pick a fight. Then follow it.
Hope this helps.
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A
female
reader, supermum  +, writes (5 January 2010):
 If there is no way you can sort this out, then you will need to get some support for you in place quickly. CAn your family come round and help out? His family? When is he going to see the baby, how much will he pay to support it etc. I know when going through a break up the last thing you want to do is think, but, as a mother now you need to be strong, and realise there is a time for crying, and a time for sorting (as my grandma said just after grandad died).
If you still love eachother, then at least there wont be custodial battles, which can be very traumatic.
All you can do is sit down as adults, and say ok, heres the situation, what are we going to do about this this and that?
Write down a list of things that need to be covered, and how you plan to do them...
Dont leave until you have talked about everything on that list.
Also, have a chat with his parents...how much do THEY want to be involved? etc etc
good luck babe
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