A
female
age
22-25,
anonymous
writes:Honestly, I have no idea whether it is a good idea to be posting my issue here and ask for some advice. But here goes...I am aware that Covid has been hard on literally everyone and it has challenged people in so many ways. My heart bleeds for everyone that has suffered and is going through the hardships. My country is combating Covid really and cases have been below 10 a day or none at all for a couple of weeks now. Essentially, we were placed under lockdown since March and in June, the government decided to incrementally open up businesses/sectors etc. And obviously, there are rules and regulations to follow. So since, we're in this recovery phase, we're allowed to dine in and go out but must adhere to precautionary measures set out from the government. In some ways, we can say that it is 'fairly' safe to go out provided we continue to wear masks etc. The lockdown has been incredibly hard on me mainly because I've become this punching bag for my mum. She has been nitpicking on absolutely everything and everyone. I usually ignore it because I don't want to argue or add fuel to a fire. However, I have a really hard time coping with it because, it has been like a daily thing. To illustrate would be; she would zero in on a single thing and complain like crazy about it and I would say okay okay let me do it and I can try to fix the situation. Alright done. Then the next day, she would complain another thing AND the thing from the day before and the cycle keeps going on. I literally just ignore it and do what I can to help the situation. She has been complaining about my maid, my dad, myself and my brother (before he moved out). My brother moved out due to her attitude. It's pretty intolerable, the things she say and how she keeps comparing her lives to other people. After my brother moved out, my dad said she regretted the way she treated him (like nagging him, complaining about everything/taking her anger out on him etc.). The issue is that she complains on a daily basis and says that nobody helps her when I help her in everything she's doing (e.g. cooking, i would help out by washing vegetables). I get a little frustrated that she says that. I don't know how you guys feel about this but it's like if someone complains about something once, it's okay with me, there's no issue. You're only human, you're allow to complain about things. But on an everyday basis, I literally feel like I'm going crazy. Sometimes, I would offer some suggestions to help ease the situation but she's reluctant to change and I said if you're not willing to take the first step, nobody else can help you. I just feel like she doesn't realise the way she is behaving is just pushing everyone away. I'm just wondering like if she knows how horrible it felt for my brother to move out because of her actions, why does she keep going on the way she does?My dad has expressed to her that he is upset with the way she's been finding fault with everything and said that everyone has been trying their best to like not offend her at all. If I said something to her, she would scold me and lash out at me and I would in turn become very upset too. I've tried my best at home to do as much as I can (as much as she would let me do). She has an issue with relinquishing control and that's fine but I really hate that she keeps complaining about the little things. My maid tries to help too but she complains about my maid being unhygienic when she's evidently not. I'm just shaking my head throughout the situation. I did mention to her that maybe she should benefit from going out of the house for awhile but she refused because of the virus when things are okay. There is no harm or no rule against going for a walk in the neighbourhood. She has only left the house about three times since lockdown which was in March until now. It's probably why she's nitpicking, bickering and complaining about everything.Additionally, even though it's okay to go out for a few hours, she refuses to allow any one of us to go anywhere. I really need to get away from her for awhile. I do go for grocery shopping but I just need a mental break from the whole house. I feel miserable because I do my best for my whole family, I DONT need the appreciation, but I can't take the constant complaining and comparisons. She has compared me to my cousins who cooked a special dish and I just thought to myself how she doesn't allow me to cook because she afraid of any mess in the kitchen and she expects me to be some gourmet chef when she doesn't even allow me or my dad to cook instant noodles??? That the first issue that I've been facing and I feel like there is substantial effects on me for some reason. It gets to me and I kinda end up in a very low point and not want to be around anyone and just need space. I really do try my best to help as much as I can and I do as much as I am able to do so. I look after my baby nephew the whole day (my brother moved out and left his son (AKA my nephew) with my parents and I) so that my parents don't have to. My dad doesn't do anything to help out mainly cuz my mum wants things done her way, so we just leave her to it. My maid cleans the house and she looks after my nephew for an hour whilst I either help my mum prep food stuff for dinner or I take a short break before doing food stuff. You have to believe me when I say that I am doing my best to hold up in everything. I honestly can feel my mental health deteriorating cuz i am constantly facing her and she doesn't know when to stop complaining about absolutely everything. I've been confiding in a friend and she was saying that its hard being in that situation and she cant imagine being in my position. Second issue is that, she refuses to let me out of the house. I've only gone out for essentials like groceries. In March, we had a lockdown, so obviously I wasn't allowed out which is fine. However, in June, the lockdown was shifted to a recovery phase where things are incrementally becoming more normal and we're adapting to a 'new norm' of face masks etc. Cases have been substantially low (less than 10) and the government has announced that the covid cases is under control in the country. People have gone back to work and people are going out to dine as well and everything is relatively back to normal routine. I havent gone out since March apart from getting groceries and I would like to go out for one afternoon day to celebrate my bf's birthday at the end of the month. Im going to take all the necessary precautions and the place that I have in mind adheres to the rules of social distancing etc. I just don't know how to ask my parents about this without having it turn into an argument. Literally every little thing turns into an argument with my family now, even when I remain calm and talk to them, they would flip on me and start scolding me and threatening me. When my bro (32 year old man) decided to move out due to my mother's constant nagging and her expectation of him to stay home for the rest of the year and not work. She assumed that he couldn't take care of himself and he would catch the virus because he doesn't take care of himself. She was proven soooo wrong on that assumption. She's still pushing him to come home too and when my bro borught up his decision, she scolded him too and say all types of toxic things that I don't even want to repeat. So my question is:1. How do I deal with such an environment? I don't want my coping mechanism to be ignoring it and just putting myself down and it would just generate this accumulated anger. There's no way I can even brign it up to her, she would kill me and say im not a good daughter etc. 2. How do I even ask them to let me out for one afternoon? (btw, I used to work part-time and wasnt allowed to go back to work due to covid and my parents refuse to let me go back to it. I have to live with them due to my nephew and I cant bear to leave my nephew with my mum cuz she sees him as a burden and scolds and sometimes slap his leg when he refuse to hold still. I am starting a Masters degree soon as well and moving out is not option because I wanna stay with my nephew). I am aware that even though cases are low, the virus still exists but the chances of catching it is fairly low. As such, I will be extra cautious where I'm going and such. I honestly just need some advise with dealing with family. During my online exams, I was balancing studying whilst my parents keep asking me to do things around the house and I never once refused. I managed to graduate with a second-upper class honours which was amazing given my circumstances at home. I had the worst experience of my life being home like this and I had so many breakdowns and I feel so drained.
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female
reader, mystiquek  +, writes (15 July 2020):
 These are trying times for sure OP and some of us are not dealing with it all very well. I think this is what is going on with your mother. Perhaps she has always been a little controlling and wants to do things her own way but this crisis may have pushed her even more so she is trying to control what she can...her home and those in it.
I agree with Honeypie, I think your best bet is to speak to your father. It sounds like you have tried hard to be helpful and understanding, but everyone of course has their limits.
Can you and your dad sit down with your mom in a non confrontational setting and ask her what you can do to help? I have a feeling she is very stressed, scared and perhaps doesn't realize that its coming out in ways that are upsetting to others.
I, like Honeypie, was sad to read where your brother just left his child with the family. I don't know the situation and should not judge but that doesn't seem like a very nice thing to do to your parents (and you). I am sure that is adding stress to your mother's worries because as the head female of the home she probably feels its up to her mainly to care for the child, adding on to her other duties. I'll be honest..I wouldn't be too thrilled if my child suddenly just left their small child with me 24/7!
Again, agreeing with Honeypie's lovely advice. Try to get away when you can reading a book, going outside (do you have a garden?), escaping to your room. Confrontations should be avoided if at all possible, but I know its hard to live with a difficult person and constantly bite your tongue! Escape when you can if you know you have done everything you can to help.
Perhaps your mom is not trying to complain but wants to just talk and vent and doesn't know how to do it so everything comes out as a complaint. It does sound like she isn't handling things so well. Trust me, I know because I have never been so stressed out in my life as I am right now with this pandemic. I have to constantly remind myself that I am doing everything I can for my family to be safe, and that to not read the news too much because it only frightens me and doesn't help things at all!
I am sure your mother is worried about you going out and getting sick and thats why she doesn't want you to go anywhere. I TOTALLY get it. Its sad that she won't even go for walks? Perhaps you and your dad can persuade her just to take short walks (I take one every day) wear a mask, stay away from others, just get some fresh air. It would be good for her! It is not healthy to be cooped up inside for weeks on end. Sunshine would be good for her (and you too). Could the two of you take little walks? I just walk about 20-30 minutes a day and it helps my frame of mind.
I know you are trying sweetheart, and its hard. All of us deal with things differently and some of us just don't deal with in these kind of settings. Try to be as tolerant as you can. I'm sure your mom doesn't mean to be the way she is acting. Get away when things get too much even if its just to your room.
These are tough times but things will get better. Hang in there!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 July 2020): I posted this question..
Hi Honeypie! Thank you for the advice! I have been stepping up for my nephew since he was 4 months old. My brother and his wife are pretty incapable in looking after him as it resulted with my nephew getting an injury (broken arm). Since then, I’ve been looking after him along with my parents and my bro and wife slowly just relinquish their responsibilities of him for what reason, I wouldn’t know. It’s been like this for over a year now, I’m used to looking after my nephew and I treat him as if he were my own!
I have suggested for my mum to go for a walk or even just step out on the garden and take in some fresh air but she has refused. She has been getting those thread messages from WhatsApp that is always unverified or fake and somehow she believes those but doesn’t believe me when I show her proof. As a result, she believes those messages and refuses to even go out. Sigh.
I am planning to talk to my parents soon about just letting me know what she wants done. Even if she just lets me know in the morning of what she wants cooked etc. And ask about an afternoon out. Honestly though, I know it’ll result in an argument where my mum would say ‘birthdays happen every year’ or like say that I am ‘endangering the family’ etc. She actually expects me to sit at home all day everyday. I can’t work, I can’t go out and I definitely can’t travel, I won’t wanna travel at this point.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 July 2020): OP, it sounds like you are in a very difficult situation, and I truly feel bad, for you! If I were in your place, I would contact your brother, and I would talk to him about you, and his son moving in with him! His son, is truly his responsibility, not yours, but since your Brother must work, he will need you, to care for your nephew, and if there is enough room for your maid, so much the better, so that you would have the freedom to go and come, as you please! Idk your mothers age, but it sounds to me, that she has a serious mental health issue going on, something greater than confinement stress! Think about submariners in the navy, they deploy in close confinement, for 3 and 4 months at a time, and they get along and closely work together, with the responsibility to manage nuclear missles which represent an existential threat to tens of millions of people! Please pray for your mom OP, because she is dealing with some form of mental illness. I too, will ask GOD to make her well! Blessings OP!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (14 July 2020):
 I'd say talk to your dad.
He seems to understand that she is not being herself and that YOU need a break. I think I would bring it up to him that you NEED a little time away from the house and your mom and that you would like to go "insert place" on "insert date/time" and that you will adhere to ALL the rules and regulations to stay safe. Hopefully, he will understand you and be OK with it.
The thing is YOU live under their roof so in a sense their "rules" are "law".
I would also encourage your Dad to suggest to your mom the two of them take some small walks in the neighborhood, that maybe a little fresh air (not around other people) might help her relax a little.
Some people fear what they can't control. You mom can't control the virus or other people but she CAN (or try to) control her family. She is doing that to keep you all safe. In her own way.
Ask your mom for a list of things YOU can (that she will allow you to do) help with. That way you can perhaps cut ahead of her complaints. She won't have to complain to get help, if that makes sense. If you already know that on Monday she would like ABC done), Tuesday DEF etc.
If she compare you to a cousin who is a great cook, praise that cousin. Don't take it as criticism. Just join in with the praising.
TRY be positive. If she complains just listen, maybe what she really want is to vent or talk.
Your mom is not adjusting to the "outside reality" very well. Some people don't. I don't mean that it's OK for her to act the way that she does but she might not really have much control here.
Also, journal. Write it down (what upsets you) and take a minute to think on it, was her complaint "justified"? if not, write it down and LET IT GO. If it was, consider what you can do to help.
I know you try your best and I think that is good. But for your own sanity, I would work out a chore list, get the chores done and then excuse yourself, remove yourself to your room or some place where she is not and spend time with your nephew.
While I understand your brother and why he left, I think he is a bit of a coward to leave his CHILD with her. that is kind of selfish to DROP a toddler on a women who CLEARLY can't function in a healthy manner. Not good for the child OR her. So you have to step in and step up for your nephew. And so does your dad.
And while I get that RIGHT now your life sucks, you have your health, you have your family. This Covid19 will come to an end, maybe not as fast as we would like. But a simple advice I always go by is ALWAYS look for the silver lining. You will find something positive. And if there isn't any right now BE that positive. Even to your mom. Praise her for her food, for whatever she does. If she whines and complains, nod and get on with whatever chore or go spend time in another room.
Have a little pity on her.
And *hugs* to you in this crazy time.
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