A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I’m in a really tough situation. I’ve split up with my ex of 5 years but think I still love him. When we were together he suffered a really traumatic death in his family which has affected him badly. His whole personality and behaviour has changed, he clearly has depression but refuses to seek help. He has been vile to me, calling me names, threatening me, making up lies about my friends to cause me to fall out with them. We were together 5 years the death happened 2 years ago and we split up last year. I’ve now met someone else who I’m starting to like and who likes me and I’ve got the chance to be happy with him. But I feel so guilty moving on when my ex is not right. He’s told me he’s happy for me to move on. It doesn’t feel right to me but he’s also hurt me so much with his behaviour that i know i couldn’t get back with him anyway unless he went and got the help he desperately needs. We also have a child together so need to be in contact regularly regarding childcare. I really don’t know what to do. I’m 33 and he’s 37.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 July 2020): From start to finish, your post says you're going to drag your baggage and drama into another man's life.
It won't be long before he has had enough hearing about your ex; and dealing with the emotional-exchanges between you, and the child's biological-father.
The deal-breaker is when someone says they think they still love their ex. When you sense or know that to be the case, you should dump them!
I'm sorry about how you feel; but you have too much baggage to start and maintain a healthy and durable relationship. You've got to get the first-guy out of your system first; and there's the proverbial "baby-daddy drama" that is only going to complicate things.
You've asked, but you will accept our advice; because it won't penetrate your emotions. You still love the devil you had to leave; then you've got his kid as a link that will trap you in the past.
My advice is to breakup with the new-guy; get your feelings situated over your ex, then pursue romance. When you will only see your ex as just the man you co-parent your child with, and you've moved-on. You aren't ready for another relationship; you'll be too distracted. You can hold-on; until he becomes frustrated and fed-up with living through a soap opera, and he leaves you! That will be how he'll save himself.
There is but one way to get through to a woman wrapped-up and enslaved by her emotions. You have to be direct, and you have to cut to the chase. It won't sink-in right-away; but she will slowly absorb it, and come to her senses.
I'm sorry to be harsh, but tough-love helps too! My friends talked sense into me. There was a time when I needed it. God helped me to overcome my pain and conflicted-emotions; and I was able to move forward with my life.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 July 2020): OP, Kenny is exactly right! If you harbor feelings of affection for your ex, you should not become entangled in a new relationship! You sound as though you would drop the new fellow, in a heartbeat, if you Ex would just get counseling. That is not a footing, from which to launch into a brand new relationship! The emotional weight which you carry, would be grossly unfair, to the new love interest! You need to establish your absolute freedom, from any and all desire, to be reunited to your Ex, before stepping into a serious new relationship! Best Wishes!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (14 July 2020):
 I'd minimize the contact as much as possible.
So nothing outside of kid talk, arrangement involving the child. Nothing personal any more.
Even if he DID get help he STILL lashed out at you, he STILL hurt you. Him getting help doesn't change the past, doesn't change how he behaved towards you. Him getting help is NO guarantee that he wouldn't revert back to that abusive person, ESPECIALLY around you.
You can't fix him by putting your OWN life on hold.
You can LOVE someone and not be a good fit. You and your ex are no longer a good fit. He didn't handle his grief, he took it out on you instead. THAT you can not fix. That is for him to come to terms with and seek help.
Now to your current relationship, IF your current BF told you, "I still love my ex and feel terrible for dating you and moving on with you" HOW would you feel?
Is it fair on your new man to carry this guilt and torch around for your ex?
Yes, I get it, your ex had a great loss and it hurt him on many levels but it doesn't JUSTIFY how he treated you, and it's a poor excuse to string another man along.
I'd say it like this EITHER you are ALL in with the new guy or you are not, if you are not, then end it so he can find someone who IS willing to commit 100%
We don't stop loving someone dear to us because it's more convenient to not love them. You CAN have room for more than one person at a time in your heart, you just have to make sure that you don't confuse guilt, CARE and pity for romantic love. You HAVE to regard him as your ex and also STOP unloading personal details on him or use him as a sound board or confessional. THAT is what a PARTNER is for, he is no longer your partner.
Lastly, ACCEPT that he is fine with you moving on. He knows it's the "natural" progression. It might also help him to move forward.
Don't go forward looking back over you shoulder, because you will miss ALL the good stuff RIGHT in front of you.
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A
male
reader, kenny +, writes (14 July 2020):
 I think that if you still harbour feelings for your ex, in a way that you think that you still love him, then I don't think that you should be dating this new guy at this stage.
You say that you would not get back with him unless he went to get the help he desperately needs. So if he went to get this help next week, would you just leave this new guy you are dating?.
You are always going to be having contact with him regarding childcare. But you are going to have think about it long and hard whether what you went through before, would you be willing to go through that again. Think I would move on if it was me, and look forward and not back. You say you have got the chance of happiness with this new guy, so take that opportunity.
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