A
female
age
26-29,
*achelAdams9900
writes:Well I’m not too sure how to start but here goes nothing....I’ve been with my partner for coming on a year now, we’re both the same ages (24). We are exactly the same person in some ways, it’s great we’re like best friends but some days we do have our moments when we can get on each other’s nerves ( quite normal I guess). He has got a 2 and a half year old who he sees once a week and she stays over once every 2 weeks which I’ve known full well about fromThe start, she can be a right handful though and it’s hard for me because I never have been around kids my whole life I don’t have a big family, I’ find it hard to interact with her but I do try my best for him but some times it isn’t good enough for him but at the end of the day she isn’t mine, so this puts a strain on our relationship , so he said to me the other evening he’d like us to go away for a few days with his child too and I just said it how it is and said that I think it’ll be too much for me , so he obviously wasn’t too happy about that but I had to remind him that in September I will be going back to college studying a nursing course for a year 3 days of the week PLUS working my normal job on the side so I wouldn’t particularly be having a lot of time for going off places unless it was half term and I booked holiday off from work , now this is the second problem .. I moved into his house about 6 months ago, my childhood home is about 30-40 mins away, the college I’ll be going to is right next to my actual home Monday’s tuesdays Wednesdays so it would be ewis r for me to stay over the Monday and Tuesday at my mums so I won’t spend much money on fuel and I can focus on keeping my life with him quite separate to college and course work which I thought would Benefit our time together when we’re next with each other, but he doesn’t seem like to think so. He doesn’t like the idea of me staying at my mums house as it seems like I’m moving back with my life not forward but he also said he’s happy for me that I want a career, so I’m not entirely sure what to do? I want to do thus nursing course and progress to uni, his child situation gets to me sometimes especially when I go back to study is it gonna be too much to handle , he can be quite Negative at times but he has done a lot for me, I do love him a lot and I can’t let him hold me back and he’s starting to doubt things now, what can I do? He told me I need to have a think of what I want and he said he needs to do the same, I just don’t want to hurt him
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male
reader, Justryingtohelp +, writes (15 July 2020):
Why not just do what you believe is best and take it from there? Sounds pretty silly to be wasting time and money driving all that way when you have a convenient option. Tell him you are going to try staying at your mum's 2 nights a week to see how it works out. Make sure you speak every night so you don't just disappear completely but don't knuckle under just because he doesn't agree.
As for the child, you can only do your best. She's at an age where communication can be challenging even for parents but the more you bond this early on the easier it should be for you later.
A
male
reader, kenny +, writes (14 July 2020):
 You have chosen a career path, and this is a good thing. I think this is something that you should pursue and see through, as I feel if you diden't its something that you will regret later on in life.
It makes sense to be staying at your parents as the college is close to it, you will be able to get your head down and study, and save a lot of money on petrol costs.
I think there is some tension in your relationship at the moment and maybe having this time apart will be good for you. This is something he is going to have to come to terms with.
If this is a relationship that you envisage a future, you are going to have to accept the fact that he has a young child which is always going to be part of his life whether you like it or not.
My Son is 17 now, but when he was younger dating was extremely difficult and some of the people I dated were very unaccepting of the fact that I had a child and that he is a part of my life, even though I only had him weekends and maybe once in the week, and some relationships were very strained and difficult.
What you mention at the end of your question I agree with. You really need to take some space and find out what you really want. You should certainly go ahead with the nursing qualification, that leads to university.
Also you have got to decide if this relationship is for you. Is him having a young child enough for you to not want to be in this relationship?.
I know that your only 24 now, but as you get past 25 onwards up to 30 you will be hard pushed to find someone who has not had some sort of past, whether he has been married, or has a child, or children. you could very well find someone else who also has kids.
Take the time out and think about what you want.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (14 July 2020):
 I think you have been very honest about it all, and used some common sense.
Staying with your mom 2 days a week will save you money. Money that you don't have a lot of as it is. Also, YOU should be in charge of YOUR finances, and thus YOU know how it would FIT your budget better to do it this way. Nothing wrong with that. I don't think you staying there 2 days a week (or 7) would equate to moving "backwards". Some people have to reconsider a LOT of things when making feasible plans and going over their budgets. If you mom is OK with you staying there 2 night a week and YOU are OK with it, it works for YOUR plan. I know plenty of people who moving in with their parents during uni/college for pure financial and logistic reasons. I don't see the issue with that AS long as the parents are fine with it. And the adult "kids" help out financially or chore-wise to "pay for their keep".
What HE doesn't like is that you put your needs, your budget, your goals and YOUR plan before him. You didn't "ask" permission or included him in these ideas. So he decided that you doing this means you are not moving forward. BUT you are. You are working on a degree towards a life time career. You are just not moving forward WITH him.
Secondly, his kiddo. His kid is 100% his responsibility when you are together. While you can HELP out and get to know the child, interact and perhaps get to care for the kid, SHE isn't yours or your responsibility. And I BET you, if you felt he should parent differently in some situation he would TELL you that YOU are not her mother, just his GF and have no say in that.
BUT... you ARE dating a single dad. Not a single guy. So if he suggests a vacation/holiday and want to include his kid it's not unrealistic of him to do so. To want to INCLUDE his child in his life, which a holiday could be part of. Doesn't mean YOU have to agree to that. If you are already "iffy" on the whole "kid-thing" I can see why going on a holiday (which for you is a VERY precious commodity in cost and time) is not something you really want to do. HE however, have an OBLIGATION to his kid, not just you.
Maybe at this point in time, YOUR focus needs to be on your education and achieving your goals.
I think he is wanting things from you that you are not mature enough to give, and perhaps you just aren't there yet. I would say at 24 it is TOTALLY OK to not be ready to be a "step mom". It's totally OK to not want to spend every other weekend with a little kid that isn't yours. But that also means... you shouldn't be dating a single dad. Perhaps?
I think he has too high expectations of you to adjust to HIS life and no desire of wanting to adjust to YOUR life.
And you have a plan for your future that doesn't necessarily involve him. You have a goal, you have a plan which IS great. Just not for him.
He can be a LOVELY guy but not the right one for you at this moment.
I would also suggest that IF you meet someone who has a kid and you aren't really ready for that, DON'T date them. Kids don't need a revolving door of adults who aren't there to stay.
I get that you don't want to hurt him, but that is inevitable. He will get over it, and so will you. If you really aren't a great fit OVERALL, then it's BETTER to end it and move on instead of IGNORING the things that don't work. Because he will ALWAYS be a dad, HE will ALWAYS want to include his child (like a good dad should) and he will also ALWAYS put his kid and himself before you. Just like YOU wanting to put YOURSELF first. Your goals, hopes and dreams.
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