A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:please help me I've been going through alot and really need some good advice as i cant stop hurting and cry.My fiance is very understanding and there for me but i know he is hurting too. I can't be there for him. I feel like i do try but i feel like i cant stop thinking about losing my first baby and having a dandc in June and then getting pregnant again in July. Now i am 3 months and found out today i am losing my baby... another one. I'm not in the best shape emotionally but first time planned second pregnancy wasn't planned, i was on the shot. How do i get through this? My fiance cant be there with me through this again as he is away on business in another country but i just found today and am going in thrusday to have it done.How do i make things right between us? I feel us falling apart over this. He isnt the reason we lost the baby but feels he is but he isnt.I have a blood issue that makes me almost like a free bleeder and when i stress i bleed and i've been stressed to the max no way around it. I love him and i want a child with him but how do i be strong with him and not expect him to do it alone?please help me ?what do i do? I'm hurting so bad but i dont want to push a good man away. By the way i am 27 and my fiance is 33 i am using a friends daughters account. thank you
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 October 2007): You are rightly hurting. I advise talking through it again and again and again. With a psycologist or counseller if you can. Tragic things like this and the emotions attached must be faced head on otherwise they will devour you from the inside out. Thats what turns things in a relationship sour.
Id like to say if you need you partner with you to go through this then he should be on the next plane back - there is no excuse. Im sure that work would give him compassionate leave and its not asking too much.
Without him your feelings are going to be harder to deal with and he is as much a part of this as you are.
Can you specify the problem with your baby? Has it been the same problem with both?
I cant sympothise with you enough but I can understand. How you get through it knowone knows, we just have to learn to move on and look to the future. You need to determine whether the problem with the babies have been the combination of your DNA or just pure bad luck. If it is that you are not compatible to make a healthy child then there are many options for you to get help.
Firstly though you need to deal with the problem at hand. You need to tell your partner that you can not do go through this again without him. Never mind him going through it on his own, he is not being there for you right now! You need to both talk about how you felt when you lost the first child and how you are feeling now, many people just block out the way they feel as a way of dealing with their emotions. This tends to be harder for women than men and it is always down to fear of opening the flood gates. Please seek proffessional help. You cant deal with this on your own.
Stay strong.
A
female
reader, deejuliet +, writes (17 October 2007):
 I am so sorry. You have my absolute deepest sympathies. I had a miscarriage once and I cried for days and felt so lost and inadequate. I had wanted that baby so bad! Losing one baby is bad enough, but to lose a second one, and so soon, is terrible! I am sorry, but your letter is a bit unclear. With both pregancies you did not actually have a miscarriage. Is that right? You found out there was a problem with the pregnancy and then had to have a DNC? I dont suppose the details really matter. The point is that you lost 2 babies that you really wanted. My best advise right now is to get into some kind of support. A group would probably be good. Be able to talk to and comisserate with others who have gone through it so you know you are not alone. That can help tremendously! Talk to your doctor and find out what, if anything, can be done to help a future pregnacy come to term. If you can be proactive, feel like you are DOING something rather that everything just being done to you, that can help so much, too. Find out about your condition, and what can be done to help or change your future. Take action! Do research! If you can get your focus off of this tragedy than you will have a better mindset to move on. However, I dont mean to belittle this tragedy. Do give yourself a chance to mourn your loss. Maybe if you do something proactive there? Plant a tree in memory of your little one that never was. Donate to a childrens charity or volunteer for the march of dimes, which works so hard to prevent birth defects and promote healthy pregnancies. Find a healthy, proactive way to direct your thoughts and enery and I think you will be ok. Again, I am so very, very sorry for your loss.
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A
female
reader, angelblueeyes  +, writes (17 October 2007):
 Hi, Fistly i will say how sorry i am of your loss.
It will take time as a couple to grieve after a pregnancy loss. How long a woman and her partner mourn for will vary from couple to couple. Only you will know how long you need to grieve for.
Miscarriages can make men nervous to talk to you. Not only are they upset about the loss, but they are grieving for you too. you may find that your partner is reluctant to talk about your loss, cause he is worried that he might upset you. Be honest with your partner if you are not ready to talk about your loss say so, but dont forget to let him know when you are. Your relationship may also become strained & dealing with your loss can cause you to turn inwards and away from each. This is when you each need each other the most, for support and a shoulder to cry on. Talking about how you are feeling after miscarriage is difficult, but it is necessary to heel.
An excellent self help method is to write in a diary because it is private & you can be honest with how you are feeling, this has been proven to help speed up the recovery process.
I hope i have helped you.
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A
female
reader, terrifenby +, writes (17 October 2007):
 i not not begin to imagine how you are feeling right now! no one can stop you hurting but you two need each other so talk to him! see a counciler it may seem daft but trust me they do help! the best advice i can give you is to talk about it with the people you love it will help, as your fiance wont feel like you pushing him away!
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