A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi, first of all, no I should not have let myself get into this position, I know. But here I am. I'm in my second year of university, living with a group of friends from halls, one of which I dated for a couple of months during first year. I fell hard, and he ended it. We didn't change living arrangements because of mutual friends, and the fact that neither of us really has anywhere else to go, plus varying financial reasons. I should add it's not just me and him, there's 6 of us total. Since we broke up at the end of last January we've ended up sleeping together on and off for varying periods ever since. I know it's nothing more than sex for him but I've let it happen because I just enjoy being around him. We've drawn a line, again, recently, and I'm fairly certain he's ready to move on completely. I find myself second-guessing his interactions with every friend I don't know, and whilst I'm doubtless paranoid, I think he is trying to move forward. Which is fine. But when we live together, how do I cope with seeing him with someone else when I'm so far from over him? And no, there's no way I can change the living arrangement. Thanks for your help,Feeling stupid and scared x
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broke up, move on, period, university Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 November 2012): It'll get easier OP. Think of it this way that girl is kind of saving your ass a bit by removing that last shred of hope and giving you some form of closure. She's also doing you a favour in the sleeping with him department, you now also have a moral reason not to let that happen so it will make it easier to resist any advances. Plus she'll take up more of his time so you'll see him less often.
Just keep busy. You may live in the same place but you have an active social life and plenty of things to do with your evenings including projects and studying. Only a few weeks left til xmas too, you won't feel the time go by until you're at home with your family and friends for a few weeks where you can recharge and take stock.
Unrequited love is a painful bitch but it does fade. Don't beat yourself up for lapses either, you can't just flick a switch and turn this off, you can be fully sure everything is fine only for feelings to creep in again.
Just make sure no matter what his status you never sleep with him again.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 November 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi guys. Firstly, thanks for all your help. We're only two days away from when I posted this, and this is going to take far longer, but progress is being made. The date was last night, I haven't met her because I couldn't quite bring myself to go downstairs, and I was working anyway, but I'm feeling baby steps. I went over to a friend's for a bit last night, got predictably upset, but then it felt like a switch had been turned on. I'm annoyed. Not at him seeing someone else, but at him having pretty much used me for 9 months when he knew full well how I felt. I don't know that this will last, but I'm feeling hopeful. He's had enough tears from me, and I'm really not sure he deserves them any more. Thanks for helping me get to this place, if I can just keep this distance, then everything is going to be just fine :) x
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reader, Ganna  +, writes (11 November 2012):
 You and him deserve other people.
It will take time, to get used to seeing other girls around him but in reality you are young. Live a little, cry a little whatever it takes, this will not be your last boyfriend and maybe you will fall hard for another guy.
This sort of happened to me with my best friend dating my other best friend that i was in love with and seeing them together killed me. And I remember always making up excuses to never come to hang out when they were together, or try to not look at them, basically avoiding. Those things never really help because you are just running, your not actually dealing with the problem. Id say just be happy for him. No matter how strange that sounds. Be happy that he will find somebody that he loves and you will soon find someone you may fall for.
Just Forgive.
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female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (11 November 2012):
 OP we have all done things that we are ashamed of but if you learn from your mistake then its not a mistake anymore, its a lesson learned the hard way.
Of course you need to stop sleeping with him, that goes without saying, and if you don't then you're just putting yourself in more and more trouble. You cant stop him from seeing other people and from liking someone else and if you are available for him whenever he wants, you will be exactly what Cerberus said, just a moist vagina. Is that what you want?
The easiest option as of now would be to change your apartment and cut off from him completely but if you cant do that then you have to practice tremendous self control and stay away from him. Forget what you had, forget whatever you've done and start anew all over again. It's very difficult to do but if you can, it will be one of your biggest achievements.
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reader, Honeypie  +, writes (11 November 2012):
 I agree with Cerberus, STOP sleeping with him. Since you can't move out nor can he you will HAVE to accept that what you two had wasn't serious from his side. I know that might hurt a bit, but it seems to be the facts.
I know you intellectually understand that you two are just F-buddies - but emotionally you don't. You still hope he will realize what a good person you are and that he should start to like-like you again. He won't. He might continue to use you for sexually favors, but for your OWN good and peace of mind STOP having sex with him. IT IS OK to tell him no. Tell him :"I can't sleep with you and not feel something for you. So I think it's best we just stop having sex."
How do you cope with him dating? Well, that will take some time. But the sooner you give yourself some "distance" (as in stop being intimate with him) it will go easier.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 November 2012): Cerberus is about the most helpful person I've seen on here and he's exactly right. You have to live there yes but you don't have to share his bed. Close you legs and your mouth and get away from this guy. Don't let yourself be alone with him. He knows how you feel and he's USING you. Yes you let him because you had some hope. You don't there is no chance. Get over him. Stay away and you'll find out your better off.
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reader, janniepeg +, writes (10 November 2012):
 You don't have to get serious right away. Just meet new people and feel desirable amongst the many fish in the sea.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 November 2012): I have to disagree with Janniepeg OP another guy is not going to fix this. You're not emotionally available to anyone else at the moment you'll only hurt the new guy if he is in any way serious about this and well being one dudes fuck buddy to being another's is not going to resolve this either. Plus OP given your general powerlessness at the moment having another guy is going to purely be about making the guy you love jealous. What if your ex decides to become territorial and start creating drama over this? You may actually then get your hopes up again.
It will only get messy OP and no guy deserves to be used as your rebound "go over my last guy" wanker. I wouldn't go near a girl who does that, I mean she lives with her ex, who she still loves. I'd get the shag from her and then throw her away if my feelings got anyway serious about her, do what she's unable to do.
No OP this is already a complicated mess, why add more complication to it? You want to remove this as a stressor not add another variable to the equation.
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reader, janniepeg +, writes (10 November 2012):
You can start dating someone else. You've broken up almost a year now. The reason why it's hard for you to move on because you still had sex with him. If anything is going to distract you from him, it will be another guy.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 November 2012): Stop sleeping with him OP. I understand the living arrangements thing but what did you expect to happen if you keep feeding that desire you have for him?
I don't care about what you say about lines OP, you won't stick to them. You will just keep giving in, keep feeding your desires and if he comes looking for sex you will cave and give it to him. At the moment you're too weak to protect yourself and you're going to fuck with your studies if you don't stop this.
So your options are this OP:
1. You stop beating yourself up, we all have our weaknesses and it's okay as long as you now stop and never cave again. You stay away from him as much as possible and limit contact. You don't get cosy, friendly and if there's just the two of you there go to your room alone with your laptop. No more physical affection, no sex, no alone time whatsoever. It's not hard OP, you just do it and in a few weeks you'll be at home with your family. You can't be his friend, there's no need for intimate chats and this guy literally has nothing at all to offer you worth the pain you're forcing yourself to endure.
2. You keep being his moist vagina while he keeps looking for other women he wants to be with. You keep sinking lower into despair, lose more self-respect and fuck up your studies because you can't focus on anything only how hurt you're feeling by the entire situation. You ruin all your relationships in the house because you get jealous of any female who so much as looks at him and you start to fight with girls and your own mind because you can't handle not having a guy who you keep letting stick himself inside you. You eventually crack up to the point of not only having exam/project stress but also possibly to the point where you have a mental breakdown. I've seen it happen.
If you choose 2 OP knowing what it's going to cost you versus the non-existent reward you get, you only have yourself to blame.
Now you can talk to him and tell him all this as a mark of respect towards him and hope he'll respect that but I have to say easy pussy on demand is going to be hard to say no to when there's alcohol involved and even just regular night while we're alone on the couch watching TV.
Success in college, protect your relationships, get over this, regain your dignity and self-respect, or be some guys easy lay. Your choice OP; choose strength.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 November 2012): Please don't feel Stupid or scared. The big mistake you made was to fall into the trap of sleeping with him as having "a piece of the pie" was better than no pie at all. You are better than that and deserve it all!
In the back of your mind you were probably just hoping for a happy ending. it's good that arrangement is over, you might have to live with him but four other people as well. You need to start getting out and about and busy as much as possible and why not let him torture himself about what your up too? It's over and it' hurts. Your young and your free, no ties no responsibilty but to yourself to look after your own well being and enjoy everything university life has to offer. Please don't waste precious time making the wrong choices, take care & good luck x
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