A
male
age
36-40,
*knoaway2throaway
writes:I'm seeking advice on how to deal with my girlfriend's past, and if there are any couples out there who successfully took a "break," reconnected, and went on to enjoy a healthy and loving relationship.My girlfriend and I were together for 3.5 years, between the ages of 19 and 23. We were very in love, committed, lived together, traveled together, etc. We broke up in 2010, and got back together in 2011. In total, we were apart for about a year and a half.During that time, my girlfriend had seven sexual partners, while I had only three. This kills me. You name it, I do it -- the "need to know," incessant questioning about her past, slut-shaming, etc. etc. She says that she only actually wanted to sleep with two out of those seven, and much of the sex she had -- by her account, unsatisfying/unpleasant one night stands and the like -- came as a result of severe depression, and lack of self-worth. I'm not proud of my behavior.She has done everything she can to rectify our situation. She says that if she could "sign a contract" that says she could only have sex with me for the rest of her life, she would in a second. She says that I am, without question, the best lover she's ever had. Still, I can't let it go.My questions: Should I leave her? It's been several months since I learned about her "past" and I can't let it go. If not, do you have any suggestions on how to deal with this? Has anyone experienced anything similar?I can't help but feel our "story" is much less romantic as a result of our "break," and other sexual partners. Have any of you experienced something similar? Any success stories..?
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male
reader, Yos  +, writes (14 November 2012):
 It's great you made the decision. There's a quote from Goethe I believe in: "Once you make a decision, the universe conspires to make it happen".
At times you may feel trapped. Remember that you are always free to leave if you want, but it's very positive to know you want to try to make it work. If you read back through my post history you'll find lots of discussions on this, and tips.
A
male
reader, iknoaway2throaway +, writes (13 November 2012):
iknoaway2throaway is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI'd like to thank everyone for their comments and advice. I continue to be touched by the kindness of strangers.@Yos: I think you're right that I need to decide whether or not I want to get past this (thank-you for mentioning the obvious -- I needed to hear it!). I often go back and forth in my mind as to whether or not it's "worth it" to get over this. It is worth it. My girlfriend is completely unlike any other woman I've ever met. She's smart, funny, attractive, great in bed, etc. etc. And she loves me like nothing else I've ever experienced. I learned a lot about myself during our time apart, and feel infinitely more confident and well-adjusted than when we were together before. I need to start acting like it.I know there are a lot of other guys who struggle with similar demons, so I'll do my best to update you all on my progress. Also grateful to anyone else who wants to provide comments. Thanks again, friends.
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A
male
reader, Yos +, writes (12 November 2012):
Should you leave her?
Only you can answer that. I don't believe you can move on until you decide whether you want to try to make this work.
If you really value your relationship with her, and feel that you two have a future together (as long as you can get past this) then stay with her. You'll have a hard road ahead to deal with this. But either things will fail and you'll be the same as if you broke up, or you'll succeed and have a good relationship as well as have learned a lot and grown in the process.
If you think too much damage has been done, or that you have really grown apart, then you may want to end it. You are within your right to end it: a relationship is about two people wanting to be together. If you don't want to be with her: don't be. If you do end it, do it with kindness. Take back the nasty stuff you have said: you don't want her to end up back in that place of severe depression and low self worth that caused the problems in the first place.
If you choose to stay, then make a firm commitment to deal with your retroactive jealousy. Once you have done that, then there are many other steps, but that is the first.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2012): if you didnt want her to see or sleep with other people then why break up, get over it or break up for good, although this shouldnt be held against her as she didnt do anything wrong but its not fair to stay with her if you cant drop it
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2012): Being depressed and low self esteem does not justify doing things you don't respect. You don't find out what someone's character is by looking at the easiest times in their life.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 November 2012): You broke up, you BOTH had other sexual partners, reguardless of how many you each had. You need to be able to seperate from this, wipe the slate and start again and getting back together is what you should be doing.
My BF and I were high school sweethearts, (we were each others firsts) and we broke up when we were 18.
16 years later we got back together, but after a year we broke up (due to my own personal issues reguarding my family) But after a year we got back together.
This time we were apart for a year, and in this time he slept with a few women, and when we got back together and we decided that we wanted to build a life together, I knew this because he was open and up front with me and told me he had been with other women.
Now if I wanted to I could let this be a huge issue for us, I could let it ruin what we have, but when it comes down to it I love this man and he is the man I want to spend the rest of my life with, we have a strong relationship, very strong, we have dissagreements but they are usually over tiny things. We have been together for 4 years almost now. We have not and will not let his past, get in the way because WE BROKE UP! He was free to do what he wanted.
So was your girlfirend, as were you. If you love this woman you would not be making such an issuse over this, as you are starting a new relationship, even though you have been together before.
Don't make a big issue out of it because at the end of the day, she has committed to you, the suggestion of signing a contract by her is her telling you she is in this and she does not want anyone else only YOU!
She wants you, but if you keep hanging on to this thing about her having more sexual partners than you, you will lose this woman. What you need to keep in your mind at all times is that you were NOT together when you BOTH had other sexual partners! This should not be an issue when you are trying to build a life, if you can not let this go you will not last, it will not work.
And it sounds to me like you do love her, if this is the case please for the sake of your sanity and relationship, put all the energy you use worring over this into the relationship, every time you go down that path stop and do something special for her or together, this will help bring you both closer.
Good Luck I hope it all works out for you both.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 November 2012): I met a guy and was swept off my feet. I started staying with him and everything was great. After 4 months I got pregnant. Being from a very religious family he insisted I get an abortion and wait til we were married to have children. I don't believe in abortion period. We fought he said things and I hit him in front of his family, called him names and left. I spent the next 8 months with another guy who treated me bad and was very manipulative. He tried to force me into giving my child up for adoption so I left him to. I live 3000 miles from my nearest family member. I felt isolated and alone but god gave me strength. I drove myself to the hospital alone while I was in labor. I had a child and noone even came to visit. I called the baby's father and asked if he wanted to see his daughter or not and we got back together. He found out I was with two men while carrying his child inside me. He even did a dna test to prove she was his.
She'll be eight next month and we've been together every since she was 11 days old. I know its hard on him what happened but we were both responsible. I know I never stopped loving him. I was just so angry and hurt. He is the one who refused to wear a condom and I conceived on my birthday. I will always feel my daughter was a blessing.
I don't think what your gf did while you were apart matters and you shouldn't ask details. Clearly you are the one she wants and those other things were done out of hurt and pain. She told you that your the one she wants and you should feel more confident sbout that now because she chose to come back to you. Something she would never do if you weren't the one who made her happy.
Im sure that in the beginning my husband punished me for what happened. He made me tell him what happened. Made me cut contact with anyone from any men from my past and made me promise to never be with anyone else. I did it too and we were married soon after. Not one time do I regret coming back to him. I love him to death and he's a wonderful husband and father.
I think the key to your problem might be why did you break up the first time?
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (10 November 2012):
 There is more complication when retroactive jealousy is combined with previous issues that led to the break up. When people are in a committed relationship one partner has no choice but to deal with the jealousy but you are thinking of other options already. Talking about a contract is unromantic. If you determine your relationship on how good the sex is you will get nowhere. I don't think I can break up with someone and reconnect after a year and still feel optimistic about the relationship. If you agree to a break, you relinquish the possessivenes you feel towards the person. Since you can't, it defeats the purpose of the break and you are better off without her. If either of you had found someone else you would not even be talking to each other. You and her are a prime example of why people should not go on "breaks."
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