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anonymous
writes:My ex wife has lumps in her breasts, yet refuses to seek treatment. She is quite small chested and is worried that her breasts will not fit onto the mammogram machine.She is 26 and has 3 children. She also has never had a cervical smear, despite countless letters to have one.She says she is always too busy with the kids or with the house.I no longer live with her, but am still madly in love with her and am extemely worried about her health.How can I convince her to get checked over?
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionShe went to the doctors about her problems. They are sending her a hospital appointment.
Thanks for all your comments and support. :)
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2006): Just don't give her too much space! By what you've said..this could be a very serious, dangerous health issue. Do what you have to but get her in for those tests....pronto!!
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female
reader, Terrie-Anne +, writes (31 October 2006):
Give her some space she's probaly scared, Give her at least a week to decide what's best for her, yes her health is important but she may think you're pushing her into checking if she is sick.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2006): You tell her that the technicians that help her with the mammography are all trained personnel, who have seen every imaginable shape and size of breasts that come through their clinic. I think showing one's breasts is a small price to pay..so one knows they don't have breast cancer and they aren't going to die! Plus your wife has had 3 children..surely she knows that modesty is the last thing she needs to worry about here. As a woman who has had 3 high risk births myself, I had 4 male doctors and a multitude of nurses attending to me at every birth. "All and Everything" was exposed and I didn't care! Medical personnel do notlook at the human body and judge it or deem it, on a scale of 1-10. To them, it's purely medical. It's a human body and believe me, these people have seen every type, size and shape. Having a mammography and pap smear exams is not about a 'beauty contest'...tell her to be strong and drop the insecurities, and the worries about what others will think! FAcing this fear head on could save her life. Good for you for being a wonderfully supportive friend and husband to her. Keep at it!
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI have been with her after work today and told her I will go with her. She says she wont take her top off in front of anyone. She says they have gone smaller with each child and also says the lumps seem bigger when she is on her period. She says her periods are to blame for the lumps. I said I don't care, and am going to te doctors with her. She has said that she will go to the doctors, because she has been getting really bad stomach pains. I am sure she will 'forget' to mention the lumps.
We had a good talk and I told her about what you all had said. I think she will go to the doctors or hospital. Getting her top off is another problem.
She said, "Imagine if your penis got smaller after every kid, would you get it out for a doctor?"
I said, "Well I had a pile and had to be checked anally for prostate swelling" I think mine was more shameful.
Thanks again everybody.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2006): But hun, she isn't caring for her own welfare here, or she would've been at that doctor's as soon as she discovered a lump. When a women has lumps that are growing, that means something is terribly wrong. The thing about breast cancer is it spreads if it isn't stopped...it's insidious! Depression causes people to not care about themselves. That issue is critical has to be resolved, too. Her emotional health plays a huge role in her physical health.
She may not appear scared but you can bet your bottom dollar, she's got to be thinking about it...a lot! Many times fear keeps women from aggressive health care. Sometimes women stay away from medical care because they fear what they might find. Convince her to take charge of your own health by keeping that mammogram appointment and getting her pap smears.
Tell her to go! Insist on it. She's floundering and when one's beloved is doing this..the other person grabs the 'bull by the horns' and carries the load. Be strong!Keep us updated on how you do. Take care.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks again
I will make the appointment tonight or in the morning for her and take her myself.
The children dont know, they are only 7, almost 4 and 2.
I will tell her cousin, she is very close to her. She would go with her if she wont come with me.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionShe does suffer from depression, Irish
But as for not caring about her own welfare, thats not the case at all.
Myself and her went through a really bad break up, so that hasn't helped her depression.
She first noticed the lumps around 18 months ago and they have incresed in size. We have been broken up for 6 months, but are now quite close friends.
I got with her when she was 17, we had 3 kids, the eldest being 7, yet she has NEVER had a smear. She had many appointments made, but fails to go.
We were watching the TV program, THIS MORNING and it showed how a mammogram is carried out. It showed were the breasts are put onto a table, but she was saying that it would not be possible to do that because of her breast size.
She wants a boob job for confidence.
I never realised that she may not be going due to fear, she has never showed any signs of being scared about it. I am seeing her tonight when I finish work, so I will have a good talk about it with her.
Thanks for all your advice.
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female
reader, stina  +, writes (30 October 2006):
 Hey Anon,
My next suggestion is to have her schedule the appointment and tell her to let you know when it is. Then I would hire a baby sitter (or let her mother, etc) take care of the kids. I would drive her to the doctor yourself, as Irish also suggested. Then she wouldn't "accidentally" forget or have a chance to go shopping.
If you still cannot get her to go, then I'm afraid that nothing is going to work. By any chance, do the children know? I'm not telling you to tell them what's going on (not sure of their ages and/or if they're able to deal with something that sounds so traumatic), but if they already know then they may be able to talk her into going.
Maybe some of her close friends would be able to talk with her, as her mother doesn't seem to care too much. And I wouldn't care if she gets mad at you or not. She can get over being mad at you, but if her condition is life threatening and she doesn't get help, then she can't very well "get over" that.
I hope that you're able to get her to go. But if you aren't, then at least you know you did all that you could.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi Stina
I have done that many times, but then she will come home with shopping from town.
She has had many appointments, but then 'accidentally' forgets.
This is the only thing I cannot understand, she is the perfect mother and was the perfect wife. She always put our kids first. I have told her that she is not thinking about the kids now, because she is not going to te doctors. There have been many occasions where she has had to take one of the kids to the doctors (family doctor, so hers also) yet she fails to mention her own problem.
Her mum knows, but is very passive and does not tell her to do anything. She is not a very strong minded woman, she doesn't even make phone calls herself. It is more of a role reversal when it comes to mother - daughter, if that makes sense.
Everytime she sees me, she tells me the lumps are still there or have gotten bigger, although she wont let me feel, because I am her ex. She was never the type to even let me see her topless because she is relatively flat, so was very self conscious.
I do sometimes have a go at her because she wont go, but then she sees this as me starting an argument with her.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2006): Dear, this is so sad because your wife is either in denial because if she's got lumps on her breasts. And it likely she is so darned scared to find out the truth. Reassure her, that not all lumps in the breasts means cancer. Another thing is she could be depressed and doesn't care about her health. She needs to learn to practise some self-care, here. Looking after her health is the most giving thing she can do for her children. Her children are depending on her to get those check ups and stay on top of this. Appeal to her sense of responsibility and her nuturing, maternal instincts. She must give her kid's a mom. Believe me, the devastation of her potentially dying, from cancer, could cause them indescribable pain. Those cervical smears are critical and can be a lifesaver. Cervical cancer is serious stuff and every woman who is sexually active should have a pap smear done at least one time per year.
You tell her, that you will personally make the appointments and you will go with her to the doctor's. Be supportive. Also have her checked for depression while you are at it. Be strong on this one.. use some tough love and call in the support of family and friends. If she's got lumps on her breasts. she likely is so darned scared to find out the truth. Reassure her, that not all lumps in the breasts means cancer. Good luck and don't give up.
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male
reader, jack23 +, writes (30 October 2006):
 You need to find out everything that is stoping her from going and try to deal with as much as you can. If the children are a problem then take of them. Offer to go with her and get someone else to look after the children.
But best thing you can do is to just talk with her and word things as best as you can to make her feel more comfortable about it. From the sounds of it you'd be the person that knows her best, you must be the right man for the job.
Good luck :)
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female
reader, stina +, writes (30 October 2006):
Hello Anon,
My suggestion is to tell her you will take care of her place and the kids one day. If she doesn't like that, then tell her you will hire a babysitter for her for a few hours while she is gone. Then she will have time to go to the doctor.
I would also suggest telling her mother or another family memeber if you cannot get her to go. Someone needs to talk her into going to the doctor.
Having her go to the doctor to get checked out is not only for her own wellbeing, but because of the three children, too. I'm sure that they'd rather have her for years to come instead of for an afternoon b/c she didn't want to go to the doctor.
Don't give up! Do whatever you have to do because this is serious. Take care.
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female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (30 October 2006):
 If she won't go to the doctor there is nothing you can do about it. She does owe it to her children to get herself checked out but you can't force her to do it. I would quit nagging her about it, it might make her dig her heels in even further. Good luck.
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