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female
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anonymous
writes: I fell in love when I was 19 and have been with the same guy ever since (now I am 25). 2 years ago he went overseas to pursue higher education and we've been dating long distance in the meantime (I stayed on to study locally).We always planned to get married after we graduated, but in the last 2 years we've grown apart - not because of the distance - but because of the constant pressure from him. He wants me to go and visit him for 3 months of the year, but this is impossible because I have university. He can afford to visit, so in his breaks he comes over to see me. The last time he came I felt so distant that I could not give him any affection and this lead to him cheating on me. He said he did not sleep with her and it was just a drunken 20 minute kiss. I've forgiven him for this (it was half a year ago) and in that time I got really close to another friend. I think I am in love with the new friend, but I deeply love my boyfriend. We've been together for 6 years and have a long history. He was with me as I grew up and I can not bear to think I could hurt him.So, finally my question:Do I stay with the safe guy with a secure job and have a deep love?OR Do I risk it all for a younger guy, with no certain job prospects that I love with a constant desire I have not felt with my bf? Is this a long-dull-period?
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male
reader, Lostandalone  +, writes (30 October 2006):
 I agree with Stina. You need some down time for yourself. You have love interests that overlap. You're making excuses. If you leave your current for the new and he finds out he will try to win you back only to have you break his heart further and this will lead to resentment. If you get with the new guy you will miss your ex and he will in turn work harder for you affection to no avail because your heart will be with another. You have a lot of soul searching to do. Just because something is different doesn't make it better and the grass is not always greener. I think time to yourself will make you realize what it is that you really want but be careful because too much time will cause you to lose both. A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush. Good Luck.
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female
reader, stina +, writes (30 October 2006):
 Hello Anonymous,
Well, the way I see it, you might you like this new guy because you don't have any of the typical ups and downs that a long term relationship would have. Do you think that you really love him, or is it that you love the idea of being with him since there is nothing negative about him. What I mean is, do you really think this guy is better suited to you than your boyfriend?
You say you deeply love your boyfriend. But you also say that you love this other guy. Let me ask you - why does a job status have anything to do with why you love either of these men. I think you just might be a bit confused. Have you thought about the positive and negative things about these men? I mean like how they make you feel, how they treat you, how they value you, etc.
If I were you, since you've already been with your boyfriend so long, I would try to figure out what's wrong in the relationship. What could each of you do to work on it and make it what it once was? Is there something lacking from your communication with one another? Are there issues with trust? Are you BOTH feeling like there is a dead end in the relationship? What can be done to fix that?
On the other hand, it seems like you might be trying to make excuses to get out of this relationship. If you are truly unhappy and want things to end, then I don't think you should be trying to choose between either of these guys. Instead, I suggest you break it off with your boyfriend and have a down time for yourself. If another relationship springs up, then that's great. But you don't want to throw yourself onto an emotional roller coaster. For example - if you broke up with your boyfriend and immediatly went out with this other guy, you would probably be going through a period of heartache for a while since you say you still deeply love your current guy. Do you really think it would be a good idea to be with someone else while experiencing this? First of all, it would make you bottle up your feelings. Then, if you did tell either one of these guys what was going on - it would probably cause some major problems. The old guy would probably try to get you back. The new guy would be extremely hurt and it would cause trust issues.
So - I would try to figure out what went wrong and why in your current relationship - try to work things out. If you're really ready to move on, I would break up but not date until you are truly over your ex - otherwise it won't be good for anyone.
I know that this is a tough spot to be in, Anon. Just try and take things slowly - you'll do what works best for you in the end. Take care.
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