A
male
age
36-40,
*ounded
writes:Dear Cupid.... I have been with the same woman for 4 years and we are still living with her mother If anyone out there knows how tough that can be I sympathize. I can never get her to admit when she has done something that hurt me because her mother is there to back her up. At first I didn't mind because I was working 3 jobs to try and get a place of our own. That is when she started cheating on me. She told me it was because I was never around so I quit 2 of the jobs but she was still seeing the other guy. The thing I don't understand ( and this is for the woman out there because I hear your all more emotional, But she would go out with him in the evening and come home and try to curl up with me even still having sex with me. Getting upset even if I was not home from work when I said I would be. I believe we have gotten past that but now am to scared to find more work. How do I convince her that she needs to grow up and start working with me for the better of every one. Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Ember13  +, writes (5 May 2008):
My first question is are you actually age 18-21? And you've been together with this girl for 4 years? I can understand living with a parent at that age still. But otherwise, look at this objectively. I'm actually going to ignore everything except for one thing: If you had a friend who said his g/f was sleeping with other guys and telling him about it and he was accepting of it, what would you think?Are you ok with her cheating on you? Are you ok with how she treats you? Is this what you want in a relationship? I know it's hard b/c you've been with this girl for 4 years now, obviously you have some sort of connection and care about each other deeply but she's not treating you well. If it was just that she's not appreciating all that you're trying to do for her, that I think is fixable, but sleeping with other guys and coming back to bed with you and you don't do anything about it? You're giving her the message that this is acceptable behaviour. If you and her are as young as the age says, I think it's time to move on. Maybe she needs to get some experience or something, I don't know. But you shouldn't settle for being treated in this way.Also, you can't convince someone to work on a relationship. People work on relationships b/c both parties want it to succeed. I don't think you can convince someone to do anything, they do it b/c they want to do it. If she doesn't want to work on the relationship and it looks like she doesn't, then I think that's a clear sign if the cheating wasn't.
A
male
reader, oldfool  +, writes (5 May 2008):
 Sorry, this woman doesn't deserve you. You are working hard trying to build a life for the both of you, and she goes out and sleeps with another man! Come on! She is walking all over you and you are too nice to realise how perfidious this behaviour is. I'm pretty sure you couldn't live with yourself if you did something like that. How can she?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 May 2008): why are you still there? You were working several jobs to make enough to get your own place- was she not in on this objective, maybe if she was working as hard as you to acheive the same goal, she would not have the time to spend doing things she should not.
Need to balance financial goals and relation goals, both partners- ie working so hard no time for relation but the relation is ultimately the most important. Sometimes need to stop and reevaluate!
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (5 May 2008):
 Oops! This is not against you. I think you're a great guy who just needs a little shaking to react.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew +, writes (5 May 2008):
Yep, I can understand you, wounded. My father has a saying that is very true for some mothers: "life gives you only one mother, but sometimes it seems it gave you many. And then they become mother-in-laws".
In this case, however, you don't have that many problems with the mother as you do with the daughter. Indeed, I believe that the mother would not be a problem at all if her daughter behaved differently. I would believe that the daughter would have the sense to leave her mother out of the problems you have as a couple. Instead, she brings her mother in as backup. Someone could think that perhaps you're a bad guy (I don't think so, by the way) but this behavior of using mom as backup would still be very wrong. The same thing happens, no less, when momma boys get motherly support.
Her cheating was not your fault. If there were problems in the relationship (and, by now, there are many), the way to go had to be talking about them with you, not going somewhere else. And, if your neglecting her had been the reason, then she would have stopped after you quit TWO of THREE jobs.
I'm positive this girl fails to appreciate your worth. You know, I live in Macholand, where Real Men Keep their Wives, but in here some women can't get their husbands to have one job. "God made work", goes a song, "as punishment". Now you had THREE jobs and she cheated.
As to her sleeping with the other guy first and then cuddling with you, that seems to say a lot about her conscience. Or lack of.
I'm sorry, but you shouldn't be afraid of finding a job. If you can't go out to work because she will cheat on you, leave her, man. Now this is awful.
I'm also sorry, but I don't think you will convince her that she needs to grow up and work with you. As to growing up, she's already done that. As to working with you, clearlyh she has a problem seeing you two as one couple, one entity, one reality you're building together. She goes her own way and that's it. And then you're to blame, and Mother comes to help her.
You deserve way better.
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