A
female
age
36-40,
*utumnleaves07
writes:Hello everyone, any advice as always muchly appreciated.My boyfriend of 4 years broke up with me 3 1/2 months ago (http://www.dearcupid.org/question/what-do-i-do-now-im-lost.html)It was all very out of the blue and I've been struggling to cope ever since. He started seeing a new girl 2 weeks later, and is apparently totally in love with her. The two things I could really use some advice on are these...Firstly, we have a lot of mutual friends in common. We went to uni together and were in the same group of friends. Because of the nature of the break up (out of the blue, via email, started seeing someone straight away), a couple of these friends have said they won't be speaking to him again, although I sent all mutual friends an email saying that I'd like everyone to keep in touch with us both. The problem is, some of our friends are still talking to him (I know, because I checked his emails a few times, a while ago, though have stopped that now), but I find that when I'm talking them I just want to scream at them because of what he put me through. But then I also want to ask questions, like what he's up to, how things are going with this new girl...we all spent so much time together and not knowing what is going on in his life is tearing me apart, although I wonder if knowing the details will make it harder?The second things is...and I feel so awful for admitting this...a few of my friends are in long term relationships, some are engaged and soon to be married. Most of the time I am REALLY happy for them, but sometimes I find myself being really jealous and wondering why they all get to be happy and I don't...Also when I go on nights out, I rarely get any male attention, but my blonde friends have to fight off the men... I know that is horrible, because of course you should want your friends to be happy, and I do, and yet a part of me keeps thinking these horrible things, and wondering what's wrong with me? I'm starting to feel really, really lonely, even though I have lots of great friends around me. I miss my ex a lot, miss what we had and the plans we had together. I'm scared that I'm never going to meet anyone else, or that if I do I won't be able to trust them. Everyone keeps saying, you're only 23, you'll meet someone, you can't judge all men the same, but I am just so cared of turning into a horribly bitter, jealous and twisted person. Any advice would be appreciated so much. Thank you.
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broke up, engaged, jealous, miss my ex, my ex Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Dr Vendetta +, writes (2 February 2008):
 sweety, i'm 26 and have been single for over 5 years.move on deleted all messages, emails. pictures saved convosations.. and push him out of your life.
A
male
reader, rcn  +, writes (2 February 2008):
 I've been where you are. Break up, and wonder what other relationships had that I didn't and the reason they were still together but mine wasn't. Then I figured it out. They knew what they were doing, and I didn't. The problem is, men and women don't hand someone an instruction book on how to be with them. It sure would make life much easier.
Did you think that maybe the reason you broke up was because of him, and not because of you. You're young. Quite a few young guys have difficulties making a commitment. This makes it difficult because the girl is ready when the guy hasn't quite reached that point yet.
What I would do is stay single for a while. Work on yourself. Build yourself esteem and who you are as a person. Figure out what you want in a guy and don't compromise what you're looking for.
Analyse yourself. I did this. I almost didn't like myself by the time I was done. I had so many red flags and thoughts of who I was that needed changed. I was depressed, but not because of outside events, because of who I was. I was really just floating along with no direction to take my life. I had to find out who I was and begin building myself, not to please anyone else, but to feel good about who I am. You need to do the same. Find yourself, and who you are. Once you're in balance yourself, your choices will be based on that balance as well.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 February 2008): Having the same person in your life for four years when you are only 23, means that you have not yet been your own person, have not experienced life as an independent young woman....I think this break whether it be permanent or not is long overdue for you. You have become dependent on this guy because you have been with only him for such a long time, and it is this loss of dependency and attachment that is making you spin a little out of control. Don't mistake the intensity of your feelings for love or for anything but longing for what could have been but is no more....the reality is, this relationship is a past chapter of your life and you would better off trying to pick up your life a creating a new one for yourself...get out and make some new friends that are not your mutual friends and add then to your life.
Don't try to find out what you ex has been up to, don't check his emails, ask him to change his password if you have to do so if you cannot control yourself.
Do not compare yourself to others and do not put such stock in the fact that he started dating someone after only 2 weeks, chances are she was there before you all broke up, it is the coward's way out of a relationship...let them get on with it....he is on the rebound from you and there relationship will be over in about 4 months, watch.
It is hard to let go of something or someone that was such a big part of your life, but that is life....all relationships are not meant to last, and take what you have learned in this one, think about what you want in a man and don't settle for anything less...and while you are waiting on love, get busy doing the things that make you happy, so you will BE happy and you will attract love back into your life in the future....obsessing over your ex, and being mad at your friends who are in a couple or are blonde has nothing to do with you and your worth as a person, but everything to do with your resentment over not getting what you thought you wanted. Resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to do die.
You have to forgive him for yourself, let him go, and realize that this is not the end of the world, and frees you to do other things with your life....so get going.
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