A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Dear CupidI'm the op of this post "He lied to me..he was cheating on his wife with me. Do I tell her?", which I posted a month back. I found out that I'm pregnant few days back and I'm positive he is the father since I didn't have sex with anyone before or after him.I know his phone number and where he works and also his face book name but not his house address. I am positive he won't pick up the call if I try to call him and will not even acknowledge me if I try to find him at his work. I want to keep the baby since I almost at the end of my child bearing years and this might be last chance to have kids. Questions1. How do I get him to acknowledge that he is the father2. Will I be able to make him take paternity test, what if he refuses3. Since I cannot really contact him, how do I approach about paternity test4. When is the latest we can take the test, i.e. How long after the baby is born5. How do I inform him about the pregnancy if he doesn't pick up the calls?I need financial support from him to raise the baby, hence wanted to make sure he pays the child support. I'm trying to cover my basis, please help me.
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female
reader, Honeygirl  +, writes (29 February 2016):
 I am shocked to see some of the nasty comments here - come Aunts, this poster is reaching out to us for some advice not condemnation.
Dear Poster
from your question I can see that you are in a very difficult position. As some of the Aunts have advised, go the legal route. You will need a paternity test done when baby is born.
Regardless of whether he wants anything to do with the child or not, he is responsible for child support.
With regards to his wife finding out, unfortunately this is his problem - he chose to cheat, I think that when this all comes out [via your attorney] his marriage is pretty much going to be over. His wife/children are the collateral damage from his cheating lifestyle.
Do not contact him, please rather go the legal channels. You will have a much better chance of sorting things out that way.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2016): If you have decided to go ahead and have the baby that is your right and cannot be taken from you because you have the primary decision in this.It is not a question of how the baby was conceived.Most baby's are conceived in the usual way as the result of a sexual union, but some are conceived as a result of medical intervention.The problem you are facing is one of how to make the father get involved when it seems fairly clear that he is not interested.You dont need the father to be involved to grow the baby in your womb as that is the result of natures intention, looking after your health, going for check ups and eating well and avoiding alcohol.The birth can be a bit more complicated but usually the baby arrives on or near its due date and then the practical aspect of caring for the little one begins.It is extremely unlikely that your married partner will be willing to stand by you for this process but you may get him to pay alimony if you track him down with the help of an agency.Then it is highly likely that your child will be his little secret indiscretion until the child reaches adult hood and wants to find the father for himself/herself.You will probably receive the state minimum maintenance payment for those eighteen years and you will need to be level headed and caring for the entire duration of that time.It is unlikely that your runaway male is going to turn towards compassionate caring now but if you have set your heart on having a baby you will be prepared to go it alone and his lack of emotional input will be of little consequence to you or the child.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2016): From previous anon male.No hatred intended in my response, though I did deliberately couch your situation in unflinching terms as an outside party concerned about the immediate and long-term future of a child being born into circumstances that will be at best unsettled.No moral judgement against you intended either. My point was that HE was the scumbag who fathered a child while cheating on his wife and as a result such is NOT likely to be an active, involved part of your child's life.If my assumption that you are incapable of supporting a child completely on your own is unfounded then I apologize. My point is that if you aren't in that position then you can't depend on him to pay child support on time or at all.If you are financially independent and elect to raise the child then it is your responsibility to pursue all available avenues in order to compel him to fulfill his obligation to support his spawn to the fullest extent of ability to pay. I've been in the unfortunate position of observing the effects of unplanned pregnancies on children who in my mind would have had a much better chance in life had the mothers involved looked beyond their immediate wants and really thought long and hard about what would be best for the babies instead; I unfairly projected my frustration and sadness regarding those kids onto you and for that I sincerely apologize.
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male
reader, Denizen  +, writes (26 February 2016):
 There was no hatred in my response. There is an element of despair. Let's not prevaricate, you didn't take any precautions. You believed he did that.
You didn't abort for any number of reasons, medical, social, or religious.
I didn't read your previous post because I don't have access to it. So regarding his lies I was completely in the dark about what had gone before, as were the other aunts.
However as I said further into my reply to you, a lawyer is the most resolute way to proceed as has been agreed in other replies to you.
When is the baby due? I wish you both a happy future and I hope you find someone who will give you both the love and support you need.
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A
female
reader, Ivyblue  +, writes (26 February 2016):
 What a shit full situation you find yourself in. Money aside, do you want to have this man play part in your child life? Not wanting to will be his shame not yours. You cant make someone do the right thing or force them to be a good parent. Not ideal, but you can be a successful single parent. If you are successful in contacting him it really is up to him to be disclosing his adulteress behaviour to his wife. He chose to lie, to you and to her-you are not responsible for breaking up any family. He is. You have a family now of your own to be concerned about, might just be the two of you but a family is a family. My advice would be to follow your head rather than your heart. Save that for your baby. What ever attempt you make to contact him, make sure it is through legal avenues because that way you will have proof later on down the track, should your child want to find him for him or her self, that you did all that you could to try and do right for them. Again, that would be something for Casanova to be explaining if and when he time comes. I think what will be important is that when the time comes, and it will, that your child questions who their father is, you are honest about things. depending on the age appropriateness will determine just how much to tell and to what degree. Money is, of course, an important factor in raising a child. But it is not the be all and end all. Ask any rich kid that has had the support of a loving parent replaced by the support of Louis Vuitton shoes. Which one they would prefer if they were to be honest? At the end of the day, you are going to have a baby, with or without him. I don't think that you are being selfish at all, I think the situation just sucks. He does however have the right to know, so yes, I would try do that but what he chooses to do from there is his cross to bare,hopefully the right thing. Wishing you well.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (26 February 2016):
 Go to an attorney ASAP. You're now in the realm of legal action as you will need guidance for all the steps you are asking about.
Sorry your birth control failed and that he was a big liar. As you know he's willing to lie and cheat then you'll need all the legal help you can get.
Go to an attorney ASAP.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2016): my goodness what is with all this hatred!? from what I gather, you had no idea he was married, you ditched come right after you found out, and you were conscientious enough dto not want to hurt the wife. additionally you did not have sex with anybody before or after him and you used condoms. so far, you were the one who was lied to and you did the right thing considering the resources and information you had. my opinion? Your motives were clear and good.somehow, you became pregnant anyway and you basically want paternity test done to make him legally responsible for child support which I feel he should pay. if he was not ready to pay child support, he was not ready to have sex it doesn't matter what precautions he took. the stupid thing is that if you decided to have an abortion people would have judged you for that and for not getting his permission. if you decided to put the child up for adoption without his permission, which you may actually need in some states, you would have been told that you were being selfish.I don't know what your financial situation is, for all we know you make six figures but you're asking for his child support based on principle which is understandable. of course, if you want to prove to all of the money goes for the child, you can always keep receipts when you use your child support card. I personally see nothing wrong with using child support for car payment and furniture because the child will be benefiting from that. getting your hair done are your nails done or buyingyourself to dinner? Not so much. I have a friend who is so meticulous about making sure all the money goes towards the children that she keeps ATM receipts when she takes out cash and has babysitters actually sign a receipt stating that she spent the cash on babysitting. she then only spends her own money for a dinner date or something like it. for all we know you will be just as meticulous.is it fair for you to decide for him that he gets to pay child support for the next 18 years and will probably have to tell his wife? is it fair for you to decide for him that you are not going to abort the baby or put the baby up for adoption? I honestly don't know. in a perfect world, you would have already had the talk about what would happen if you became pregnant before you had sex. you cannot change that that did not happen. literally my only advice is to contact an attorney. God bless
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI am the OP, I don't understand why I am being blamed and judged for a situation clearly not my fault. He lied to me, led me on and I am pregnant now with his baby which was not clearly planned. And here im being judged for deciding to keep the baby and get his help in raising the baby, why should I even get his consent in giving birth to my kid. And yes he has every right not to support the baby but I don't want to leave any options open.I am not playing the victim card here, but clearly is this how the world see if a married man cheat on a women who had no idea that he was married in the first place.I don't want any support from him for me, I want his support in raising the baby, financial support for the baby not for me. Thanks for all your responses.
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A
male
reader, Dreamland  +, writes (25 February 2016):
If he ignores you and completely repudiates the idea that he is the father, you will be in for a very long battle.
You will have to procure an attorney. Do you have any evidence, like voice mail, texts, or anything else that can corroborate your case? You can't just go to family court and demand that any tom dick or harry take a dna test; it doesn't work that way because you need proof that there was a sexual relationship.
He can argue that he never slept with you because he heard that you sleep around a lot. This can get messy
Good luck! I really hope that this will work out for you.
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A
male
reader, Serpico +, writes (25 February 2016):
Just to be clear - you want him to help support YOU....or help support THE CHILD?
You did say YOU ...
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2016): I have to speak up here and say what a hideous judgemental onslaught from the aunts yo this woman's dilemma! It is clear that this isn't a great situation, but this,woman IS pregnant, the baby IS in her stomach and she doesn't want to terminate the pregnancy...it clearly wasn't planned, and he was as responsible as her in the making of the situation. To read comments like she didn't take care of the basics, and she shouldn't be having the child with his consent...really? I am applaud at you! Good luck original poster - you've a tough road ahead...he's as responsible as you are for the making of this situation and his choices are to be involved or not, and your job is to inform him.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2016): "I want to keep the baby since I almost at the end of my child bearing years and this might be last chance to have kids."
I'm sure that in eighteen years your kid will be grateful knowing you made the selfless sacrifice to "keep" him/her so he/she could have the privilege of growing up as the impoverished child of single mother and the accidental result of his absentee sperm donor's extra-marital affair when you could have easily adopted him/her out to an otherwise childless married couple who would have provided from birth the loving, stable, secure two-parent home that every child deserves and which he/she never knew.
Sorry, I have to agree with Honeypie. That poor child. Why don't you try to make the best of a horrendous situation by putting your unborn kid's long-term best interests and well being ahead of your own selfish and unrealistic whims?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2016): You must let him know. It is your duty under the circumstances to let him know because that baby is his as much as is yours.
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male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (25 February 2016):
 A qualified "family" lawyer will be able to give you sound advice. What we - lay people - can tell you, on here, might be not only poor advice.... but may be counter-productive... Get an attorney.
Good luck....
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (25 February 2016):
 How unfair of you to decide to keep a baby without his consent. That poor child.
Sorry, that is how I feel.
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But back to your questions:
1. How do I get him to acknowledge that he is the father.
Acknowledge to whom and where? In general? or to the wife? The only way he "HAS" to acknowledge it, is by paying child support. He can REFUSE to have anything to do with you AND the child. As he is NOT the father, he is the unwilling sperm donor. You also CAN NOT make him put his name on the birth certificate unless he is present at birth, as far as I know.
2. Will I be able to make him take paternity test, what if he refuses?
In the US a man CAN'T refuse to take a paternity test. (a woman can however refuse a guy from testing kids she claims are his, all depending on the state you live in).
But again, it's not YOU that "make" him take the test - it's the CSS.
3. Since I cannot really contact him, how do I approach about paternity test.
Contact a lawyer. It's that simple. And Child Support Service (I don't think you can get the ball rolling with CSS till after the child is born though, but call them and ask) Child Support Service will contact him, they will set up a date and time where HE has to show for testing and they WILL make him pay for the paternity test as well.
4. When is the latest we can take the test, i.e. How long after the baby is born
Do yourself a favor and google *paternity testing and child support* and look for you STATE it will give you numbers and info.
5. How do I inform him about the pregnancy if he doesn't pick up the calls?
You don't. You go through a lawyer.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo answer Denizen's question, I'm the op, if u have read my previous post you might have known that he told me he was single when he dated me and I found out he was married and broke up with him that instant and I didnt inform his wife since I don't want to break their family and I'm not a home wrecker or never wanted to be the other women. And we used condoms, I'm not that gullible. I didn't plan to have kids with him so this was not trying to get back to him or anything of that sort. Pls don't judge before understanding the whole situation. Thanks all for your responses.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (25 February 2016):
 To answer your question directly and without discussion of the events leading to this, You file for state assistance. In your country the laws are in your favor. The State will hunt him down and get the money to you.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (25 February 2016):
 "I need financial support from him to raise the baby"
that's your first problem. IF you can't afford to raise a baby on your own then you should not be having a baby.
You can get a paternity test at any time after the baby is born until both the father and baby die.
You could send a registered letter to him at work since you know where he works to advise him you are pregnant and you plan to take him to court for child support.
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A
male
reader, Denizen +, writes (25 February 2016):
If you have taken the decision on your own to have a baby then you must be responsible. This frankly is a mess. Why didn't you use contraception? Why didn't you insist he used contraception? If the answer is because you wanted a child it is your responsibility.
Contacting his wife could break up their family. I don't know what the original circumstances were - whether you knew he was married or if you believed he was single. Either way you had no right getting pregnant, wanting to keep the child and expecting him to pay because you are too careless to look after the basics. You aren't a teenager.
As he does have a right to know about this I suggest you write to him at his work. If you want to be firmer then get your solicitor to write to him. That way he will know you mean business and don't want to be ignored. From his answer you will know how to proceed.
What a way to bring a child into the world.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2016): LAWYER. As simple as that.
Obviously he is not to be trusted. So, stop making it personal. Find some sort of legal help ASAP (maybe there is something pro bono in your area?). They will explain what you have to do in which order. Maybe you have to have some proof of contacting him and him ignoring your calls. Maybe you need to have some proof that you told him (or at least tried to) that you are pregnant with his baby before you actually take legal steps regarding the paternity test.
Again, make it impersonal and find help.
Now, I am not judging you, rather worried that you had sex without protection with a guy you barely know. Have you tested yourself for all the STDs?
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2016): I would write or email or text him or ask a friend to do it for me!!
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