A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hi. I'm in a LDR of a year now. My guy is by nature a big framed man, who has struggled with his weight on and off from what he says. He talked about diets etc and gets fired up, buy never actually sticks to them, and recently having managed to lose some weight, hes put it back on again and then some.I am starting to find I am less attracted sexually to him because of this, and when I ask him how the diet is going he always has reasons why he hasn't been on it. I don't want to hurt his feelings but it is affecting me and I actually feel a bit embarrassed when I'm with him with people I know that he's meeting for the first time. I realise how awful that sounds, buy I just don't feel he is taking pride in himself that he did when we were first together.I wonder if anyone has any suggestions as to how I bring this up? Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2016): He's an LDR? How fortunate! Makes it all the easier to move on!
A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (24 February 2016):
 Chigirl brought up really good points and I will wholeheartedly second them. We all have prefences about what we look for in a mate. Anyone who says that they don't have certain qualities that they like and look for is fooling themself. We also have certain qualities that are deal breakers or turn offs. Its human nature and there is absolutely nothing wrong with what you like/don't like. You cannot force yourself to feel what you don't feel. If there is no chemisty, it just isn't there and you can't force it. It just won't work. The man may be the sweetest guy in the world, the funniest..but if you don't feel a spark, it doesn't really matter right? That's a FRIEND..not a boyfriend, not a sexual partner.Last point..you can't change someone. You can make suggestions of course but the bottom line is that you either need to love someone AS THEY ARE, or forget it. People change because they WANT to, not because SOMEONE wants them to. Your boyfriend obviously isn't as bothered by your appearance as you are or he'd do something about it.Like Chigirl..I have a certain type of man I'm attracted to (married to). There are gorgeous men all over the world and I appreciate them but I happen to be very attracted and drawn to Asian men (particularly Japanese men). I don't understand it and I've dated some gorgeous men in my life but there was always something missing..until I met my husband. He probably wouldn't turn on alot of women, but to me he's perfect. He clicks all the boxes.And your man should for you too sweetie...if not, you're going to be unhappy long term, and so will the man. So let this guy go..so you both can be happy. Good luck!
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (24 February 2016):
 As you have said he has struggled with this since you have met him, so what first attracted you to him? If he really wanted to lose weight then he would, but he is struggling to. I think you need to accept that. There is no gentle way of telling someone you are not attracted to them anymore, and it is not shallow, you like what you like, no harm in admitting that. So either you break up with him, or else you tell him you are worried about his health. Try and help him in any way that you can. He shouldn't think he is on a diet, as it should be life style choices. He can eat loads of fruit veg and meat so that he is full and can have treats in moderation it really is all about determination.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (24 February 2016):
 Sorry to say this, but you don't bring it up. You end the relationship. You're not sexually attracted to him, and you CAN NOT have a relationship with someone you don't find physically attractive. Because that's a friendship, and relationships need that attraction to be healthy relationships.
You're looking at him for companionship and friendship. When LDR you trick yourself into thinking you can handle not being attracted to him, because it's LDR and you don't see him that often/he's not that close by. But you're just fooling yourself and you are not going to be happy long term. He's not going to be happy either.
There's one thing you need to remind yourself about relationships: you can not change the other person! You MUST accept them the way they are, or walk away!!! Even if you think talking about it might help, even if YOU think he should be able to lose weight, he clearly isn't, or he'd have done it already! He's not blind, he knows how big he is. If he wanted/could change it he would have. But he can't/wont. So this is what you need to either accept or not accept.
It's not about being cruel, or shallow, or a bad person. You like what you like and you cant force your brain and body to be attracted to something/someone you don't find naturally attractive.
I mean, I like hairy men, body hair and beards etc, I love it. Not all women do! And that's okay, to each their own, and there's no need to try and force yourself into liking hair if you don't. Let someone else love that hairy man. Same goes for fat men. It's not every womans dream. So let this man go, and let him find a woman who doesn't mind and still finds him attractive even though he is fat. No shame on you for not being into it, that is your preference and you're well within your rights to have a preference.
And if anyone tries to tell you that you are shallow, then they are full of shit. We're humans, not angels. We are naturally programmed to have a preference and to either like some looks or not like some looks, and you can blame that on God or on evolution or whatever, but we are ALL shallow in this respect. No one would date or be with someone they were not attracted to.
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