A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:How do I conquer my jealousy? Or stop the inner boiling up?It's not that I'm possessive, it's just that my bf is extremely social. He has many friends who are women, and when he talks to them by telephone, he rarely even mentions me, and I sort of hover in the background trying to throw in a friendly "Hello." One even asked him to go on a trip out of the US (with a group) without even acknowledging my existence.(He didn't go.) He wants to have bachelor status, or thinks he does. He's completely under my skin and in my heart, and says he loves me.We had a great time last weekend, and maybe we could be more in a commited relationship, but I don't want my jealousy to scare him away. Help!Some are professional friendships and some are personal that he had before he ever met me. It speaks well of him that he still cares about old friends, but I still feel a dagger in my heart. What should I do?
View related questions:
jealous, my ex Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2007): This is the Original writer
I forgot to say, or thought I'd said iin previous: THANK YOU so much ALL
responders! I really appreciated all of your in depth answers & it is
already helping.
THANKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2007): This is the original writer of the Question.
I am a little introverted and intellectual, while he is non-stop "out there" &
active in the world. I guess I feel I can't keep up with his ferocious pace, and am afraid
someone will whisk him away. I like to sequester & analyze, and feel torn &
abandoned when he is constantly with other people. On the other hand,
I think I'm his refuge & what he likes about me is how I am. It is a kind of
opposites attract relationship.
But I do have wounds from betrayals & an abusive past relationship.
These other women are superior to me each in his own way - one, super
intelligent, one obedient & easy, one sophisticated, some younger or
extremely attractive. I think he just likes women. I think to myself, how could
I be THE ONE. But maybe I am?
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2007): I totally understand. I'm a naturally jealous person and my partner has a lot of female friends that he talks to regularly. It's a difficult thing to control and I would steer clear of any attepmt to simply 'stop being jealous' because that is simply not realistic. My experience has taught me that jealousy occurs because we feel a lack within ourselves. I get jealous because I think that maybe my boyfriend finds other women more attractive than me. But ultimately that's nothing to do with him - it's to do with the fact that I have deep-rooted issues about my body and my own level of attractiveness. My advice is that you should consider exactly what it is about these other women that you envy - is it their looks, intelligence, or the social connection they have with your man? Once you've pin-pointed that, work on yourself to try and fulfill the inadequacy you feel - both in yourself and in your relationship with him. All the best x
...............................
A
female
reader, AskEve  +, writes (12 June 2007):
 Feelings such as jealousy are based on fear and do not come from love at all, we say we feel like this BECAUSE we love the person but this isn't the case at all. Jealousy comes from wanting to possess and wanting to own or have. One cannot own another being or even the mind of another being. One being cannot live for another. Remember that FEAR stands for False Evidence Appearing Real. Fear immobilizes and makes it virtually impossible for people to think effectively because it bypasses the pre frontal cortex and goes directly to your right brain emotional center and is thus not even analyzed first!
Feelings such as guilt and worry are in the same category. See what benefits you could possibly derive from sitting in your favourite chair and contemplating as well as experiencing these feelings intensely for a few hours? None of course because they do not deliver any benefit other than getting you into an even greater state of fear. So you see, that jealousy, guilt, fear and worry all belong in the trash bin because they do not deliver any benefit whatsoever. Love on the other hand will get you to understand and be less fearful. This in turn will make it possible for you to experience joy and bliss.
Remember always: You have a mind, your feelings come from your mind therefore you can control your feelings. In other words, YOU are in charge and nobody else. YOU determine the future. And you become what you THINK. Be careful because the universe will deliver that which you THINK!
Eve
...............................
A
female
reader, Aunty Sarah +, writes (12 June 2007):
 To be honest with you, I think you should trust your instincts. If you feel jealous then there is a reason for this. I think my man is gorgeous. He often goes out and gets chatted up. the last business trip he went on he came home and showed me a napkin, on which a hostess had written her number. Do I feel threatened? NO, I trust him 100% therefore there is no reason for me to feel jealous. You have to question your love for this man. Is it truly real? Time and experience in a relationship earns trust, how long have you been together. If you truly have a solid relationship, jealousy will not be relevant!I hope you find your answers. x
...............................
A
female
reader, Melanne +, writes (12 June 2007):
 Jealousy is not a good thing but there is usually a reason behind it. Perhaps you have had bad relationships and have been cheated on or betrayed by friends which explains your behaviour. The difficulty is learning to trust again. To trust someone is a risk that you need to take and unfortunately getting hurt is that risk. However if you don't take that risk you will never know or move forward.
The good thing is you realise your boyfriend is a sociable person. He says he loves you maybe he means it? It certainly sounds like you want to make a go of it otherwise you wouldn't be writing this. The fact your writing this is a good thing. You realise you have a problem and want to deal with it.
You have to deal with the issues behind your jealousy and what is making you behave like this. I would suggest professional counselling and you can maybe tell your boyfriend that there are issues you are dealing with and sometimes you may behave in certain ways that you are trying to control.
The fact you have realised the problems is a good sign and you can get through this.
...............................
|
